Do thoughts of your ex still haunt your dreams? Do your friends hiss synchronously when they hear their name? Or are you fond of them? Cordial or even friendly?
Relationships can and often go sideways, and next thing, you’re estranged from someone you thought you’d be with forever or at least for longer. They may also end amicably where both parties somehow remain pals — and even if they don’t, sometimes the good memories outweigh the bad ones.
We can’t say which outcome is better— to remain friends with your ex or to live a life of animosity or one where they aren’t even on your radar and essentially don’t exist; that’s for everyone to decide for themselves when they’re at that bridge.
These women share stories of their favourite and least favourite exes, whether they’re still in contact and what earns them the rank of best or worst.
Betty, 23
I don’t necessarily have a favourite ex, but the ex that gave me money the most takes the spot. We were never really together cause I was in school, but I liked it that way, and now we’re cordial.
My worst ex, even God, my mother, my current partner, my friend group and everyone knows this fellow. Physically, mentally, emotionally, in fact, he was all the kinds of abusive you can think of. He would drag me on the floor, manipulate me, gaslight my life, and all these happened for two years and you’d wonder why I didn’t leave the relationship — well, I did 1027983939 times actually, but he kept begging, making promises, saying he’ll change, and if these tactics didn’t work he’d THREATEN ME. He’d say he’d take his life, tell my mother about us (she didn’t like the idea of me dating him), and take back all the things he got for me.
When I finally was done and ended things, he came to my house to look for me several times. I had travelled at that time, so I was safe, but he threatened my life countless times and went to my mum. He told her everything. He threatened my current partner and told my friends everything I ever confided in him about, but all his plans failed. I still kept my things, my mother loves me to death, my friends all hate him, his parents, brother and sister all don’t like him.
I and all my other exes are cordial, except this monster. I wish I never agreed to date him.
Princess, 23
I don’t think I have a favourite ex per se. I liked/loved them individually and wholly on their own. There’s no comparison. I don’t think there’s anyone I miss more than the other. They all had their impact. They’ve all left their marks. However, there is one I would say I was more in love with, not for any particular reason, I guess I just connected with him more.
He was my friend. He was my very best friend. For the longest time, I had ignored my feelings for him. I had a slight track record for breaking hearts, and I liked him too much. As weird as it sounds, I was scared I would hurt him. I really didn’t want to, but eventually, we sort of crept up on each other.
He moved to Canada for university, and I didn’t want long distance. I felt we were too young, and that we would just hurt each other eventually. However, it didn’t really feel like we broke up until 4 years after that. We were in each other’s lives too much. And there was still a lot of love. After I felt I had finally moved on, we started finding our way back to being just friends, but at some point, we stopped talking for a hot minute. He hurt me. But again, we sorted it out.
We’re not the best of friends for obvious reasons, but also because the older I get and the more I explore my sexuality, I realise just how deep sexism runs, and I can’t stand it at all. Even the slightest bit. I’m no longer interested in educating a man. Not for any reason. I’m too mad; maybe this anger will fade someday.
It’s not intentional, but I see traits in him I don’t like. It’s not surprising though, at the end of the day, he is still a “man”. Despite that, there’s still a lot of love. I’m no longer in love with him, but there will always be love, so I check in once or twice, and he does too. I’d say the relationship is as it should be.
My worst ex low-key pressured me sexually. Not rape but…
Now there’s no relationship between us. If I could do anything differently, I’d savour their presence and essence more, but I would also have chosen myself a lot earlier in the relationship. I deserved that.
Ayo, 19
My favourite ex was always there to reassure me in times when I felt low and unheard. After battling a lot of issues alone, I came to realise with him that having someone by your side does help a lot. It felt like I had someone to lean on and someone to live for. My suicidal thoughts were greatly reduced, and my will to live was stronger. He loved me a lot.
The highlight of our relationship honestly were the days we would sneak around and stay in his car to spend some quality time. Those days would linger in my head for so long. It ended because we got too busy for each other, or maybe he fell out of love with me, I don’t know. Now, we don’t talk anymore. I wish I tried to get him to communicate more. I may also communicate less, maybe my excesses rubbed off.
Barbara, 22
I don’t believe in fave exes; I believe in worst exes.
I dated Damola for three years. First, we can say it was a case of grooming, as he was 5 years older than me, and I was barely a teenager. Well, I was 16. In the course of this relationship, he made me distant from my friends, lied, cheated multiple times and even tried to slap me once.
Anyways, I became a proper Yoruba woman and cheated back, blocked him and never looked back.
I’m not in contact with him now. God forbid, why? If I could go back in time and do something different, I’d never have dated him.
Vivian, 21
He was the sweetest and warmest person I’ve ever been with. He was very committed to the relationship and made sure that every day with him, I felt loved. He also loved making plans with me concerning the future and had all these date ideas. We just were very in love.
The commitment was my highlight because I’ve never experienced it before, and it unfortunately ended because we were both AS genotypes, and we both want to get married and have children. Our relationship is pleasant, and we still hang out.
My worst ex was a horrible person, he ignored me for three months, and this was during the lockdown when we already couldn’t see each other like I thought he had died! I started self-harming again. He also forgot my birthday and was pissy that he had to spend money on me. We no longer talk now. I wish I would have broken up with him the first time he ignored me; I would save myself all that other extra stuff.
Anita, 23
I don’t really have a favourite or least favourite ex; when I love or have loved someone, I tend to look at them through rose-coloured lenses.
I had one ex that did so many awful things to me and gaslit me so badly that I started to doubt my memory and perception of events. He showed sensitive pictures of me to his friends and asked “jokingly” if he could sell my nudes. He’d take my phone into a locked room to read my messages; he said if I got pregnant, he’d run away, that he was “too young”. Mind you, we were about the same age. He also tried to coerce me into having sex with him after I’d explicitly said I didn’t want to.
Any small thing, break up, and I’d take him right back afterwards. The problem was that he also did many good things for me, I was very in love, and when it was good, it really was. That made me excuse a lot of bad behaviour and blame myself for things that weren’t comparable to what I’d been through. But yet, I still feel reluctant to fully unpack some things from that relationship because I still idealise the good parts. Sometimes I feel guilty about thinking and talking about the questionable things he did because in the moment, I didn’t think much of it, and he was also very good to me.
I’m different now though, I know relationships are not by force, and once it’s not working in any capacity then it needs to end. Like, I’m young, and I can’t allow anyone to do damage to my sense of self because of puppy love. Sometimes this may translate as commitment issues or a fear of attachment, but whatever.
Chime, 24
I don’t have a favourite ex. I think it’s because I’m always trying so hard, so when a relationship ends, it’s not because I wasn’t trying. It means that by the time it’s over, I’ve developed resentment for them.
I met my worst ex through a mutual friend, we dated for a few months. I was 20, and he was 26 or so. I had only recently started having sex the same year, and so far I hated it. Looking back, the people I’d been having sex with were actually truly terrible at it. The relationship ended because our sex drive simply did not match. I was always so bruised after too.
Fast forward a year or so. I still had his number but we weren’t in communication with each other. He posted on his WhatsApp status, a burial poster, and I saw the name and realised that it was his dad. We weren’t on bad terms as far as I was concerned, it was simply that the relationship didn’t work. I reached out to him to sympathise, and remembering that he didn’t have family in the city (we stayed in the same one, but most of his family members stayed in another, one of the northern states), I asked if he’d like company. It would be depressing just being on your own through that.
He appreciated my offer and asked that I come over. I went. I had discussed the fact that sex wasn’t on the table at all and I was coming as a platonic friend. I reiterated this several times. He said it was absolutely fine. A bit naive maybe, that I believed that.
Long story short, he tried to have sex with me. I was there till late and unfortunately, my hostel was locked at the time. Things had been fine, so I wasn’t expecting it at all. He said, “Why would you think you’d come here and we won’t have sex?” I don’t know? Maybe because I said I didn’t want it? Because I said it several times?
I kicked, I hit, I bit, I scratched; perhaps that excited him more. I was crying and started hyperventilating at some point, and he said, “I don’t know why you’re crying all these crocodile tears.”
When he saw that in my panic I actually wasn’t able to breathe again, he got off me. I remember wondering why I was so panicked. After all, I had had sex with him before, bad as it was. Everything in me rebelled.
Now, I know not to offer comfort like that to a man again. The sympathy will end in the DMs.
