Despite facing extreme condemnation throughout history, sexualities that fall under the bi+ umbrella are the most common sexual orientations in the LGBTQ+ community and many believe globally, as well. The bisexuality umbrella “includes people that experience attraction to more than one gender (non-monosexual).” Identities under this umbrella include omnisexual, polysexual, ambisexual, pansexual heteroflexible, homoflexible, bisexuality itself and more. In simple terms, bisexuality can be described as an attraction to two or more sexualities/ genders.
Historical Perspectives on Bisexuality
Dr Alfred Kinsey’s studies on white men published in 1948 and the same on white women published in 1953, established the idea of sexuality being fluid. According to his renowned Kinsey scale, where he identified as a perfectly balanced 3— sexuality ranges from 0, representing exclusively heterosexual, to 6; exclusively homosexual. He claimed that anyone falling within the 1 to 5 range was bisexual.
The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid (KSOG), developed by Fritz Klein in 1978, was designed to be more comprehensive than the Kinsey scale by considering various aspects of sexual orientation over time. While the specific demographic breakdowns of participants in Klein’s original research are not widely detailed in available literature, it is known that the research sought to be inclusive and considered diverse aspects of sexual orientation and behaviour. However, like much research from that period, it may have been limited by the diversity of its participant pool.
Since then, several researchers and theorists have developed other models and conducted more inclusive research on sexual orientation. Some examples are, Michael Storms’ Erotic Response and Orientation Grid, Randall Sell’s Sell Assessment of Sexual Orientation (SASO), Paula Rodriguez Rust’s Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality (MSS), and Lisa Diamond’s Sexual Fluidity Research.
Additionally, many contemporary researchers and theorists have emphasized how crucial it is to consider race, ethnicity, gender, and other social factors when studying sexual orientation which has brought about Queer Theory and a ton of Intersectional Approaches.
“In the scientific language of sexual orientation, bisexuality encompasses both heterosexual (different sex) and homosexual (same-sex) attraction or behaviour. In everyday language, depending on the speaker’s culture, background, and politics, that translates into diverse definitions” — A bisexual person may be attracted to any/all sexes in different ways, they may be attracted to one sex more than others, or they may be attracted to one sex at some times and not others.
There are as many ways to be bisexual as there are bi people, just like any other sexuality.
Sexualities that Fall Under the Bi+ Umbrella
Queer awakenings can be world-altering and for many people, what follows them is the search for a label that fits. Some people know immediately if they’re gay, lesbian, bi and so on; others figure things out as they go. A good majority of the bi community falls under the second category. It is okay to not know. Life is literally about figuring things out as you go. It’s okay to try on labels- test if they fit. Many queer people before you have done the same. Sometimes, they find labels that fit… in the moment, but in time they’ve had to take it off because it no longer worked for them. Others have tried various on for size and have found that they all fit. Most use queer, if only for the sense of connection with the rest of the LGBTQ+ community.
When your sexual orientation falls somewhere between homosexual and heterosexual, choosing a label can feel like a herculean task. No matter what anyone says, let me stress that there is no rush. Take your time and enjoy the journey. Delighting in this experience is something that will never hurt to look back on. Though some people believe that labels only separate us, Liz Powell (PsyD), an LGBTQ+-friendly sex educator and coach argues that ” Labeling makes us real people with all our complexities, rather than just a faceless category of ‘other. Labels like these are particularly important in a society that privileges straight people.”
Below are some sexualities that fall under the bi+ umbrella and their general definitions:
Bisexual
Attraction to more than one gender, often encompassing romantic or sexual interest in both the same and different genders. Bisexual individuals may have varying preferences and degrees of attraction to different genders.
Pansexual
Attraction to people regardless of their gender identity or sex, emphasizing focus on individual personality and connection rather than gender. Pansexual individuals often describe their attractions as inclusive of all gender identities.
“I identified as bisexual, but later learned more about pansexuality and found the term a better fit. Being a queer black woman in America…someone who has been in relationships with both men and women — I consider myself to be a free-ass motherfucker.”
Janelle Monáe to Rolling Stone.
Polysexual and Multisexual
Attraction to multiple, but not necessarily all, genders. Polysexual individuals have romantic or sexual interests that can span various gender identities but may have specific preferences or exclusions.
Omnisexual
Similar to pansexuality, it involves attraction to all genders, but with recognition and acknowledgement of gender differences. Omnisexual individuals appreciate gender distinctions while still experiencing attraction across the gender spectrum.
Queer
A broad and inclusive term that encompasses non-normative sexual orientations and gender identities, including those under the bi+ umbrella. It often represents a rejection of rigid labels and an embrace of fluidity and diversity in attraction.
Bi-curious
“Bicurious is the term used for someone who typically has sexual relations with one gender, but is curious about having sex with a different gender. Often, the term is used for people who identify as heterosexual and are curious about exploring a same-sex relationship or sexual experience.” WebMD
Bisexual Awakenings
Coming to terms with my (bi)sexuality has been a rollercoaster, to say the least. Christianity, patriarchy, the Nigerian legal, cultural and traditional systems and the resulting internalised homophobia all played a part in my denial. The first time I thought I was maybe “gay”, I was 15 and I watched this music video that explored queer couples in different life stages— kids running around while holding hands, teens hiding to steal kisses, young adults figuring out who they are, what they like, queer people experiencing queer joy— and for some reason, while watching that my heart wouldn’t stop racing. I was genuinely scared because I had the sudden thought that maybe I was gay. I thought it was crazy because until then I had only been aware of my attraction to boys. I was certain I only liked boys. Additionally, I had watched queer people on screen for years, it didn’t make sense that I was suddenly having such an extreme reaction. The next day at school, I asked my girls during lunch if they thought I was gay and they laughed. Apparently, I had had too many intense crushes on boys over the years. It was a ‘ridiculous thought’.
The years after that were filled with me actively denying my attraction to women, men saying I was too hot to be completely straight(??) and in the same breath, somehow marginalizing the idea of women loving women, everyone saying I “looked bi” and both of those last things enraging and confusing me to no end while also stirring my curiosity. Fast forward to me at 19 in uni; a group of us are playing suck and blow— the game where you pass a paper from your lips to the person next to you. If it falls, you have to kiss— and my friend Sey, who for months had been making me feel all these electrifying things, had to pass the paper to me and I remember thinking very aggressively, Please fall, please fall. It did but everyone was so occupied, they didn’t see. I was scared to point it out because I didn’t want everyone to know I wanted to kiss her.
Eventually, I found out it was the same for her. We rectified the situation repeatedly if you know what I mean. After that experience, there were others, including bi-curious phases where I claimed, “I didn’t like women, I liked men and just her.” After meeting other queer people and getting more comfortable exploring my sexuality, I realised I had always liked women. I’m not sure if this happened to anyone else but the months that followed my self-acceptance came with a lot of things I had buried, including getting to second base with girls. Over the years, I had repeatedly told myself I was straight that I somehow locked out or maybe dismissed my less-than-straight memories. It feels good to say I’ve gotten to a place where I can honestly say, ‘I too like woman.’
Dealing with homophobia, online or in real life, can be heavy and exhausting. Most queer people know what it feels like to think there’s something wrong with you because everywhere you turn someone says there is. Like a second skin, we carry this burden. Simultaneously, we all know the unique joy of finding people who are just like and accept you for who you are. That queer joy is unmatched.
Imagine after finding a community you thought you belonged to, its members start discriminating against you based on their own biases about your sexual orientation. Biphobia and bi-erasure are real epidemics (yes) in the queer community and at this point, it’s downright irritating. By definition, biphobia encompasses a range of negative attitudes, feelings or actions toward bisexuality and bisexual people as a social group or individuals. Bi-erasure is the tendency to ignore, dismiss, or invalidate the existence and experiences of bisexual individuals, often by assuming everyone is either heterosexual or homosexual.
This erasure can manifest in both straight and queer communities through stereotypes, invisibility in media representation, and misconceptions about bisexuality being just a phase or confusion. It is common to see people discuss gay, lesbian, and trans stories, awakenings, woes, joys, and even existence. Bisexuality is too often lost in these conversations. Bi-erasure and biphobia contribute to the marginalization and lack of recognition of bisexual identities. Too often, bisexual people feel forced to pick a side, question if they’re okay/normal, ignore parts of themselves to disastrous consequences and a lot more.
Specifically to other members of the LGBTQ+ community; you know intimately how it feels to live a lie, so why do you ask us to? You know how it feels to be erased, so why are you the first to grab that eraser? What does the B in LGBTQ stand for? And lastly, who the hell do people think they are, telling others who they can and can’t love or f-ck? As long as it’s not you, why on earth are you so pressed??
When coming to terms with your sexuality, know that it is common to experience ‘phases’ but I think it’s more accurate to consider them as stages of exploration. You’re literally trying things out to see if they work for you. As long as you’re open and honest, that will never be a bad thing. The one constant thing about sexuality is its fluidity. So know that no matter how much biphobia runs rampant in the world, your community exists despite them. Give the universe a minute, you’ll find your space, tribe or people.
If you’re thinking about coming out, know that you don’t have to and shouldn’t feel pressured into it. I’ll add that you should consider waiting until you can trust the person/people you want to tell. Additionally, you have to be in a place where you can accept that even though you trust them and their love for you, you cannot control the outcome, because you can never truly know how they’ll react or how that might affect you.
Honestly, living and being queer feels like sitting at the edge of a cliff, any moment you could fall right off, but I don’t think I could have it any other way. It would be a disservice—being anyone other than myself.
Nine women/enbies trusted me with their bisexual awakenings, identities, how they’ve handled homophobic reactions, and their advice to anyone who’s considering coming out. Below, I share their relatable stories with you:
Zara, Pansexual
I was in year 2 or 3 of Uni when I made a friend named Edna. This was the first time I found myself wanting to kiss someone of the same gender (and I barely want to kiss someone of the opposite gender). There was just something about her that I was attracted to. Then, I thought I was just bi.
Somewhere down the line, I met someone else who was the Scorpio to my Taurus. Her style was masculine, she made music, and her gender fluidity both confused and excited me. I realized then that I didn’t care what gender she was, felt, or claimed, I wanted to be with her regardless. I would have married this woman.
With Edna or my Scorpio, I realize that I am attracted to the person, not the body part. I’m on the asexual spectrum, so while I do enjoy sex, it’s not the most defining quality for me in a relationship. Plus, we can always make it work. Thank Goddess for innovation.
At first, I used to be very against homosexuality. This was when I was in secondary school. But someone said, “If you’re against something so much, maybe it’s because you’re trying to deny that part of yourself.” Some people may call this projecting. I realized that I wasn’t really against homosexuality, I was just raised in a culture that detests things they can’t understand.
Now, when people criticize queerness, I laugh because deep down, I think that they are trying to deny themselves. I’m so glad that I don’t allow society’s opinion to suppress my self-expression. You cannot deny your emotions. You cannot control who you fall in love with. In some ways, society has helped me be a little more in touch with my feelings. Being queer is so freeing.
I feel lucky when I say I have never experienced discrimination because of my sexual orientation.
If you’re struggling to accept your queer identity, it’s okay. I understand the terrifying feeling of a queer awakening- when you realize that your whole world might shatter. But trust me, you’ll regret not being true to yourself. Don’t hide who you are because society doesn’t accept you. You have an international community backing you up.
Filly, Queer
I have always known I was queer. When I was younger, I had very obvious crushes on both boys and girls.
The more people that find out about my sexual identity, the more I realise people are very quick to say, ‘Choose one.’ For me, it doesn’t matter; you like who you like.
When my mum found out, she tried to ‘pray the gay away’. One of my closest friends also tries to pray for me to get better ( in her words). I handled it by putting distance between us. I live far away from them, which keeps them out of my business.
My advice for anyone struggling to accept their sexual identity is to not put pressure on yourself for ‘identity’. You just have to know who you are and what you want ( sounds cliche, but e no pass like that).
Phanamy, Pansexual
For the majority of my life, I considered myself the straightest woman ever. Things became a bit blurred in my early 20s. On my 19th birthday, I kissed a girl and despite feeling seriously attracted to her after, I suppressed these feelings and brushed them away as actions of a drunken night. When I was between the ages of 21 and 22, I had another experience like this; this time, I embraced it instead of ignoring how I felt.
I figured I was attracted to both women and men so I initially identified as bisexual. With time, I’m coming to realize that may not entirely describe my sexuality. I’m now exploring the ‘pan’ label. When I revealed my sexuality to people in the past, largely, I felt dismissed or ignored entirely except in my friend group, because there are other queer people. However, in my relationships with men, I think it’s been reduced to a fetish, or a ‘stage’ or just completely ignored.
I’ve never experienced homophobia directly. I think there’s more space for women to express and explore their sexuality, especially towards other women because men don’t exactly view it as a threat. I find a lot of men use it for their own pleasure or amusement.
This is my advice for anyone struggling to accept their sexual identity— I would say that you don’t have to fit into a succinct box or label. You should explore your sexuality, especially in the beginning, without focusing on what type of sexuality it is. I’d also say that embracing a new part of yourself takes time, it’s not an overnight discovery where all of a sudden you’ve figured out all the intricacies of your new queer identity. Give yourself grace and patience.
Eden, Bisexual
I was 12 years old when I realised I liked girls too. In that sense, I guess I have always known.
Generally, people’s opinions don’t really get to me because, at the end of the day, they have no idea what it’s like to be me and go through the roller coaster of emotions I have had to deal with. So, I steer clear of homophobic people and romantic relationships altogether. My peace of mind is more important than anything else.
I haven’t necessarily experienced homophobia. I’ve been shut down and told that I’m just confused but I wouldn’t say I have faced discrimination per se.
If you’re worried about people’s opinions, you need to realize that there is no pleasing humans. Be good, bad or ugly, people will always talk. You have to learn to love yourself so much that you take opinions for what they are; mere opinions. Community is also important. Allies are wonderful but they don’t fully understand the queer experience. I know it may be hard but try to make some queer friends.
Lastly, it is okay to not want to come out right now. I’m not saying don’t live your truth, just for your safety and peace of mind make sure you’re okay with letting go of certain relationships (if need be) before doing so. Love you, xx.
Vee, Bi-Queer
I was in boarding school when I found out. I had little crushes on boys in my class at the time but it wasn’t till JS 2 that I had the “feeling”.
It was lunchtime but it was one of those lunches that weren’t compulsory, so I decided to stay in the hostel, shower and rest. Somehow, *Gloria(a classmate), was in the same shower with me. We weren’t friends but we talked from time to time. Midway, she asked me to lather her back with soap. So this is us, under one shower, naked, me running a bar soap through her back.
All of a sudden, I just felt this sensation- a deep sexual attraction towards her. I couldn’t understand it because all my life, I’ve been told I could only be attracted to men. She turned around and we were inches away from kissing when we heard someone approach the bathroom. We never talked about it. I was curious, and maybe she was curious too but nothing ever happened after. I left the school a year later.
I really didn’t think about it anymore till 2019 when I had another experience that made me feel the same way again. I don’t know where Gloria is now but I want to thank her for my bisexual awakening.
I have never really paid attention to biphobia and it’s never altered my feelings. I know I’m bi. Hell, I might be pansexual. People think not being in a relationship with a woman invalidates my bisexuality, despite dating and being sexual with women, which is so funny because that’s literally what being bisexual is. You’re attracted romantically and sexually to men and women.
My advice for anyone struggling to accept their sexual identity is this: You’ve been conditioned to believe that heterosexual relationships are the only way to go. As a result, shame and guilt grip you, and make it hard to accept this facet of your being. Give yourself love and time. Read more on positive queer experiences. Get into a queer community or friendship. You’d be surprised how other people’s stories can make you feel seen.
Margarita, Bisexual
My bisexual awakening was me simply liking two girls in my class.
Everyone I’ve told I’m bi have either been very chill or queer themselves.
My advice if you want to come out is to not care about what people say about you. You’re beautiful and lovely and the people who criticize you are just stupid and jobless.
Noya, Pansexual
Tbh, I don’t really know how I knew I was pan because it just kind of happened. I just realized I really don’t care about gender. If I like you, I like you.
I don’t care about people’s opinions on my pansexuality because they don’t matter. When I experience homophobia, I usually don’t have the energy to educate those close-minded people, so I block them.
Don’t overthink coming out. If you feel it’s right, then it’s right.
Nintendo, Queer
My entire life, I have always had hints but I knew for sure after 2020. You can’t really lie to yourself when all you’re stuck with is yourself during COVID-19.
People’s opinion on queerness or sexual fluidity affects nothing concerning how I see myself. I don’t let stupidity pass the barrier of my mind. I would only be cautious when confronting romantic feelings for someone else. Their homophobia, if in existence, would cut deep.
No one has ever been directly homophobic to my face. I’m not properly “out” but I tend to go on a long rant, educating them as much as I can. Again, I can’t let stupidity pass.
Most of the world is filled with stupid, uneducated, insecure people, don’t let them hold you down. Stand firm in your truth, arm yourself with healthy knowledge about all that you are and live fabulously.
Ati, Queer
I’m a lesbian, I only started using the title recently actually, but I’ve been seeing women exclusively for about three years. Before then, I had relationships with men too. I guess I just realised that a lot of those relationships were performance and I was in many coercive situations doing things I didn’t enjoy or want to do, and I’d pick a woman over a man any day. In fact, there’s no question of choice there, it’s clear. It became extra clear the first time in my adult life that I fell in love with a woman. I believe I’m also a political lesbian beyond actual sexuality. It is as much a wilful choice as it is beyond me.
Every time I’ve come out, I haven’t gotten a bad reception. I’m lucky to be surrounded by people who I haven’t had to teach much. But I get worried about family. They’ll never get it. I’m only consciously out to people who deserve to know. Otherwise, they’re just assuming. I’ve had people trivialise it though, as just experimenting.
Coming out is a personal and ongoing battle. You have to look at yourself every day and remind yourself that nothing is wrong with you, and you have to choose to live a full life and not deprive yourself of love and happiness because in the end, we all die, so why not live a little first?
Embracing our sexual identities can be challenging, but remember that communities exist to support you. Take your time, find supportive friends, and live your truth.