One day you’re choosing baby names over a 4-hour long phone call, the next, they are blocked across all social media platforms.
Exes leave indelible marks in our hearts; full of lessons, experiences, and emotions. If there’s one good thing about former flames, it is that they teach us what we like and what we absolutely cannot stand. The thing is, a princess might have to kiss many frogs to find her prince(ss) charming.
Below are 9 exes you may have experienced, from the one who remains your sworn enemy to the one who you just can’t let go.
1—The Booty Call
This is the ex you send “You up?” texts to after 4 shots of tequila with your girlfriends. When you were still in a relationship with this person, the sex was insane. In fact, at a point when you both were a couple, you were dickmatised so you probably stayed with him longer than you would ordinarily have.
Sex with this ex had you shedding tears of joy in between thrusts—orgasms that are typically hard to find are guaranteed with this person. The chemistry with him in the bedroom is unmatched—he was your best eater, he knew your pleasure points like it’s mapped out at the back of his palm, and he was always down to experiment with new things. But apart from the sex, he’s good for absolutely nothing, so you had to make the painful decision to let him go…but not his penis.
Sometimes, the booty call isn’t even that great in bed, but since the breakup, you haven’t had the opportunity to explore sexually with other people, making him the most convenient option when you crave the intimacy that a vibrator can’t provide.
2—The Work Mistake
Whenever someone you care about mentions wanting to date a work colleague or schoolmate, your experience with the work-mistake ex prompts you to tell them: “Do not eat where you shit”.
Your relationship with this ex was borne out of long hours spent in the office plus a lack of social life outside work, which began to make your work colleague look hot in your eyes. This relationship may have started as a playful work-wife/work-husband dynamic that blossomed into a spicy romance, or it may have begun as an enemies-to-lovers trope—at first, he hates your guts. Later on, he is deep in your guts.
The work mistake may have been your mate or your boss; a secret affair or an open secret. Whatever the nature of your relationship with this ex was, chances are you absolutely ended up hating the fact you got involved with someone in your office. Now, you have no choice but to see this person every other day at work and your other colleagues—who you secretly can’t stand— think that they know you because they have tidbits on your personal life.
3—The One That Got Away
No one is irreplaceable. However, some people are unforgettable. This ex is the one that has you dreamily pondering how pleasant and happy your life would have been if you were both still together. This ex has your heart aching when you think of them. This is the ex you secretly compare with all your other partners—he is the standard.
You dated for a while; he ticked all your boxes, his family adored you, and you even picked baby names. However, things went awry and ended. Perhaps, at the point of your breakup with them, the thought of getting back on the streets and exploring seemed exciting; you were unaware of the premium surge that awaited you. Eventually, you realized that the grass isn’t greener on the other side, and maybe you shouldn’t have let this ex go easily.
4—The Still-Friends Ex
You lost a lover but gained a friend with this ex.
You dated and broke up, yet you were both mature enough to recognize that despite being romantically incompatible, you vibe really well. So, you put everything behind you and maintained a friendship. Now, you hang out occasionally and even exchange solid dating advice. You’re so good together that everyone keeps asking why you won’t get back with him. But you’re just good friends—nothing more, nothing less.
5—The First Love
Ah, who can forget their first love? They bring back memories of simpler times—when Brick and Lace’s hit song “Love is Wicked” was merely a waist-whining anthem rather than the warning it is.
Your relationship with this ex might have been filled with dysfunction and immaturity, but the innocence and purity of the love you both felt for each other trumped every other negative thing. With this person, you had your first of many experiences—first phone call marathon, first kiss, first time, first heartbreak.
This ex comes up to your memory at times when you least expect it to—sometimes, you smile at the thought of what you once shared, and other times, you cringe when you remember some dumb things that transpired between you two.
6—The Nightmare
This ex made you see wiunnnnnnn, and to this day, you haven’t finished telling the group chat about every toxic thing that happened while you were with him. He’s the reason why you’re a staunch supporter of the “men are scum” mantra. He is why you can never stop telling your besties, “Fear who no fear men”. He is the reason that by the time you were done being taken fi idiat, you immediately started pitying the next man to profess love to you—he is your villain origin story.
This ex is abusive, narcissistic, selfish, and all-round terrible. When you tell people he almost ruined your life, you aren’t exaggerating. When you broke up, your best friends killed ten giant cows to celebrate. Maybe you were hard on yourself for a long time for giving him access to you, but the character development from dating him was good for you. Now, you have boundaries, and your self-love is off the roof. Once bitten, twice shy.
7—The Boomerang
You break up with them, and you get back together. He breaks up with you, then you guys get back together. It’s a never-ending cycle of breakup and makeup with this ex. In fact, you don’t even bother updating your friends about your relationship status with the boomerang because they are sick of insulting him today, just to find you under his sheets tomorrow.
Everyone around you (including yourself) knows nothing good can come from your relationship with the boomerang. You get stuck in limbo with this ex, and you miss out on many great experiences with potential lovers because you both never really move on. At some point, whether you want to or not, you’ll have to come face-to-face with why you won’t end things permanently.
8—The Clean Break Ex
This is the ideal ex. You’re neither friends nor enemies. The breakup was simple and mutual—you had grown apart, and the spark was gone. There’s no resentment between you two, and you both moved on without drama. If someone asks you about them, you’re able to speak respectfully, but in the grand scheme of things, you’re so over the fact you dated and really don’t give a f*ck.
9—The Cringefest
This is the ex you wish you could turn back the hands of time to obliterate the choices that led you to get with him. When you think about this ex, you cringe HARD.
Till today, your friends ask you “What were you really thinking?”, when they remember you were once an item. Till today, you sef, are not sure if you were even thinking.
This ex was not in your league at all—ordinarily, the woman you are wouldn’t even let him touch you with a 6-foot pole. You get super embarrassed at the thought of the intimacy you shared with this dude, and a part of you dies when you remember the aura points he automatically earned just from being able to bag a baddie like you. He was a loser in the truest sense of the word, but the worst part was how he wasn’t your spec, yet out of pity, you gave him a chance, and he still had the audacity to mess things up.
While you would do anything to wipe him out of your memory, he’s in every other person’s inbox destroying your street cred by reminding them that you used to be his.
