Navigating human relationships means offending people and being offended by people. When we desire to mend bridges, or we believe that the wrong a person has committed against us is not a cancellable offence, then we may seek to forgive, let go and move on. Forgiveness is a powerful tool that can help you move forward in life. It is the act of letting go of anger, resentment, and bitterness towards someone who has wronged you.
Forgiveness is not about forgetting the hurt or excusing the actions of the other person, it is about freeing yourself from the negative emotions and allowing yourself to heal. Unforgiveness may affect the quality of subsequent relationships, cause you to lose valuable connections or even make you depressed and anxious — so here’s our 6-step guide to mastering forgiveness, moving on and letting go.
Step 1 —Acknowledge Your Feelings on the Matter
Sometimes, we process things slowly and may not even realise how we feel about a thing in the moment. Uneasiness and anger can be indicators that we’re offended by something or mad at someone.
It is important to feel our feelings and not deny them because you must first acknowledge them within yourself before you can share them with others. Acknowledge the wrong done to you and how it makes you feel and then decide what you want to do about it.
If you believe the wrong can be remedied with some effort from the wrongdoer, or if it’s a minor issue that can be overlooked or forgiven, then you should work towards letting go and moving on.
Step 2 —Choose to Forgive
Forgiveness is not about forgetting what happened or excusing the behaviour of the other person. It is not about pretending that everything is okay or that the hurt didn’t happen. Forgiveness is about letting go of the negative emotions associated with the situation, and it is a decision to release the other person from the debt they owe you. Forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the burden of anger, resentment, and bitterness.
Step 3 —Be Empathetic
Sometimes, disagreements stem from slight misunderstandings or miscommunication, avoidable clashes that could be solved by open, honest conversation or empathy. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to understand why they did what they did, and reflect on times when other people have extended their empathy and forgiveness to you when you’ve done wrong. This can help you to develop empathy and compassion, which can make forgiveness easier.
Step 4 —Make Your Feelings Known
Some people are non-confrontational, and that’s okay, but harbouring hate and discomfort towards a person or about an event can be harmful to your mental health and denies the wrongdoer the opportunity for restitution since they may not even know they have wronged you. Confrontation is hard, but it is also often necessary and one of the first steps towards forgiveness. Let the person know they have wronged you, what they did and how it made you feel.
Sometimes we assume that people should know what they did, and truly, some offences are glaring, but at other times, they may be blissfully unaware that you’re mad at them while you seethe at their nonchalance. Resentment grows when we feel like our anger is not heard, and unresolved conflict is only bound to develop and fester until it may not be resolvable anymore. Depending on their response, you may consider their apology sincere or insincere.
If you consider it sincere, here’s step 5.
Step 5 —Let Go and Move On
If a person apologizes to you in a manner that seems sincere, the next step is to let go of their actions that hurt you. This may be a gradual process and there’s no rush, so take your time. If you tell someone you’ve forgiven them, you should actually mean it so as not to draw back to past, presumably forgone events when new problems crop up.
If you’re still struggling to let go, as we all sometimes do, then let them know that you’re trying to forgive them, but it may take some time for them to win back your trust. You may even tell them if there’s a solution available to remedy the wrong.
It is your decision when and if to let go, but to truly forgive, letting go and moving on are the closest you can come to forgetting as well.
Step 6 —See a Counsellor or Find a Support Group
Some offences are graver than others, and sometimes forgiveness is not solely a personal journey. Where you’re harbouring resentment that’s affecting the state of your mental health and well-being, it may be necessary to seek professional help or a support system to help you through it. No man is an island, and finding people who share similar experiences may bring you a new perspective and help you get over it.
If after much introspection, you believe that the person is undeserving of forgiveness or forgiveness is unearned, or if you consider their apology and actions insincere, then it is more than okay to choose not to forgive. Some acts are unforgivable, and to forcefully place the onus of forgiveness on the victim of wrongdoing is to absolve the doer of responsibility. All things in your own time, and contrary to popular opinion, unforgiveness can be passive. It does not actively hold your neck. It is not condemnable and does not make a person immature, it is simply a choice not to let go of things we deem too serious, especially where the other party has not or cannot make amends.
Forgiveness is not easy, especially where the wrong done was great, but sometimes, it may be best for us to forgive for our well-being even if we choose not to mend bridges afterwards. It is a process that takes time and effort, but the benefits are numerous. Forgiveness may not be an option in some cases though, and that is valid. Choosing to hold on to the wrong done to you can be a powerful tool for self-development, as much as letting go can. Nobody should be pressured to forgive to ease the burden or guilt of the person who has wronged them.
