I started having sex when I got into university at 17. It was with an older man (I realize now I was being groomed, which was just wrong). I couldn’t tell if the sex was great or not because it was my first time. I didn’t have anything to compare it to, so I assumed that was how sex felt with everyone, until I got into a serious relationship with another older guy.
The sex wasn’t very great either. I dated this guy for about 2 years, and I never reached an orgasm. I didn’t really complain about it because, at that time, I felt like only my man’s orgasm and pleasure were important. Hence, I never really advocated for my own pleasure. Whenever I talked about introducing toys into the bedroom, he immediately withdrew. He’d give me the silent treatment for 2 days because he claimed that introducing toys meant he didn’t satisfy me and that it made him feel like he wasn’t a “man.” Because of how he’d act whenever I brought them up, I just stopped it entirely.
I remember times I’d stylishly ask him to choke or spank me, and he’d be so reluctant to do it. He’d tell me he “wasn’t into that kind of stuff”, so I just gave up. Masturbating wasn’t even an option for me at that time because I was super religious, and thanks to purity culture, I felt so disconnected from my body. I thought masturbation was wrong, and I was taught growing up that my body wasn’t mine; it was either for a man or for God. I just didn’t see my own pleasure as necessary, so I continued having unsatisfactory sex until I turned 22 last year.
My BDSM Journey
Most people I know, or have spoken to, learned about BDSM from Fifty Shades of Grey. Even if it’s not a good representation of the BDSM scene, it brought a lot of attention and awareness to the community and the people who practised that kind of lifestyle. When I saw the film, I was very intrigued because there was something about the whole dynamic between Christian and Anastasia that appealed to me. Still, I wasn’t as educated as I am now on kinks and power dynamics to fully articulate what part of their relationship appealed to me.
Last year, I started reading up on kinks and fetishes because I was trying to discover myself and the things I liked sexually because vanilla sex wasn’t doing it for me. I was honestly tired of all the unsatisfactory sex I was having with both men and women. That’s when I started doing a lot of research.
I read a lot of novels based on people with different kinks, I followed pages on Instagram that discussed kinks in-depth, and while I was reading and doing my research, I found out that I got turned on when I was reading about certain kinks like degradation (I love being called a slut, being spat on, etc.), asphyxiation and the whole dom and sub relationship was very appealing to me. I wasn’t surprised because I’ve always had a dominant streak, especially when I dealt with men. Still, I had never incorporated that dominance in the bedroom.
If you are new to the BDSM scene and don’t know what a dom and sub relationship is, I’ll try to break it down for you.
First, know that the BDSM scene encompasses a lot of things that I won’t be able to cover in this article. BDSM is an acronym for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. It is a consensual lifestyle and set of practices that involve power exchange, role-playing, and various physical activities. Participants engage in these practices to explore their desires, boundaries, and emotional connections safely and consensually.
Consent is heavily required when engaging in this lifestyle.
Within BDSM, the Dom/Sub dynamic is one of the most common forms of power exchange. This dynamic revolves around the roles of the Dominant (Dom) and the Submissive (Sub). The simple definition of a dom/top is someone who takes the more dominant role in the bedroom and loves to lead and be in control, while a sub/bottom, as the name implies, is a person who loves taking orders and being of service to the dominant partner. I’d consider myself a switch, and a switch is someone who shifts between the dominant and submissive roles depending on the partner.
When I’m with men, I love to take on a more dominant role; there’s just something about a man worshipping me that turns me on so much. But with a woman, I take on a more submissive role because I just love being a good little slut for them. I love when I do tasks to please them, and I love the rewards I get when I’m being a good girl.
How I Met My Male Sub
On my birthday last year, I went out to eat with friends. I was having a great time when this guy came over to talk to me. He said his name was John* and that I looked good. He wished me a happy birthday and asked for my Whatsapp number. I gave it to him because he was handsome, and as I said, I was in a great mood.
The next morning, he asked me how I was feeling. I told him that I had a hangover, was hungry, and was about to step out to get something to eat. He immediately offered to send me money to pay for my food, so I sent him my account details. When he sent the money and the receipt to my WhatsApp, instead of saying thank you, I called him a good boy just to see how he’d react. Surprisingly enough, he liked it.
We decided to go out on a date that weekend, and he was really fun to talk to. When it was time to go home, he offered to drop me off. On the ride there, John asked if he could kiss me and I jokingly asked him how much he’d be willing to pay. I thought he’d be put off, but he took out his phone. I didn’t know what he was doing until I saw a credit alert of 80k on my phone. I didn’t want to seem so surprised and giddy, so I just coolly leaned in and kissed him. He was such a great kisser. I got out of the car, thanked him for the meal, and promised to text him the next day.
When I got home, I was legit bouncing because the former me would never do that or be bold enough to ask for or even bring up money at all. I cared so much about what men thought of me, and I found myself having to perform this soft damsel in distress and constantly leaning into my submissive side with men because that was what I was taught at home and in church. Since that day, I started advocating for what I wanted from men, and they don’t mind if I’m a little mean to them. I don’t even want guys who can’t handle me being a little mean to them. Trust me, they love it here.
John and I continued talking for a few weeks. I was throwing a lot at him, like stylishly asking if he had anything unusual he had always loved to try in the bedroom. He casually mentioned that he loved spanking his women. Then I asked him if he liked being spanked, too. He took a long time to respond, so I switched off my data and went to bed.
The next morning, I woke up to his reply saying that he actually did love being spanked and also liked a host of other things, but he hadn’t found anyone willing to try these things with him. I asked him what those other things were and how much he would be willing to pay me if I told him I was willing to spank him in the bedroom (you always have to find a way to get that bag, girl!). He said he didn’t want to discuss this on the phone and asked if he could come to pick me up so we could go to his place to talk. I was down because I was honestly a bit curious, and I wanted to know what else this man liked. Deep down, I was so turned on at the idea of spanking him.
We got to his house around 2 pm, and I started feeling a bit nervous but excited at the same time. He gave me a glass of wine, and we sat in his parlour for a while before he started talking. He talked about how he has always known that he was a bit different and that he never enjoyed regular vanilla sex with women. He was always very ashamed to talk about certain things he liked in the bedroom and even outside the bedroom. He talked about how he didn’t want to be in control all the time and how he wished someone would just take control for a little bit— in and out of the bedroom. So I asked him what kind of things he liked, and he hesitated for a while. I could tell that he wasn’t really sure if he could open up to me, so I started telling him about how I also didn’t like vanilla sex and that I had never had an orgasm in my entire life, and he laughed.
That’s when he opened up. John started talking about how he enjoyed being really kinky and how surprised he was that I asked him about the whole spanking thing. He confirmed that that’s when he knew he could be honest with me. He talked about how he loved being told what to do in and out of the bedroom and that he also had a thing for feet and enjoyed sucking toes a lot. He wanted me to pick out the outfits he’d wear daily, down to the colour of his boxers. You should have seen how the inner dom in me was leaping for joy. It was the most arousing thing (I can’t explain it with words) I have ever experienced. Then he told me that he’d give me whatever I wanted and pay for whatever my heart desired. I could tell that this man was loaded because his house looked like a mansion. I thought about everything, and nothing he said put me off. To be honest, I was very excited to experience what it feels like to completely lean into that dom space, and this man was giving me the opportunity and was also willing to pay me on top of it—it felt like a dream.
I asked for 300k monthly, and John didn’t even try to bargain. I was just dumbfounded because I was still in university, and 300k was a lot to me then. This man just gave it to me like it was nothing. When I got the alert on my phone, I got so turned on (yes, men giving me money and doing the things I want activates my p-ssy). I climbed onto his thighs, and we started kissing. He took me to his room, and we were just making out, but I wanted more. I took off his clothes and started riding him, and then he asked me to spit on him. I wanted him to beg, so I continued riding him until he started begging. Then I did, and the pure bliss on this man’s face made me do it again and again. When I felt that he was about to cum, I stood up and asked him to kneel and suck my toes while touching himself until he came. He knelt down, and the moment this man’s tongue touched my toes, I went to heaven. It was dirty and hot, and I loved it. I started touching myself too, and just seeing this huge man on his knees sucking my toes made me orgasm so hard. He sucked on my toes until he came himself. This was the first time I ever had sex that felt so wonderful and right. We cuddled after and slept off.
This continued for a few months. We’d video call every day, and I would pick out his outfits; down to the shoes he wore to work. Sometimes he’d purposely test me and wear something I didn’t approve of. When he’d come to see me, I’d punish him by spanking him, or I wouldn’t let him suck my toes during sex. Eventually, he would take me out and buy me a bunch of stuff to make me forgive him. We incorporated some new things into our sex life and removed what we didn’t like anymore. Everything I did with this person was consensual (this is very important), and we never pushed each other’s boundaries. Sometimes we’d switch, and I’d be more submissive in the bedroom, leaving him in control for the day. I was having such a great time, letting this man spoil me. My job was just to boss him around, and he loved it.
We continued seeing each other for a couple of months until he moved back to Canada. To this day, my friends still think he was my boyfriend, but he wasn’t. We just had a mutually beneficial dom and sub relationship. I couldn’t explain this to my friends because they wouldn’t understand, so I just let them think he was my boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong—I deeply care about this man, but we weren’t “in love,” and we were both cool with it. We knew that we cared and understood each other deeply, and that was enough. I’m grateful for that experience. Now that I’m in a poly relationship, I can easily talk about my kinks with my partners, and my sex life has been amazing. I don’t think I’d ever go back to being vanilla because it’s not for me, and that’s okay.
Talking about your kinks to a significant other can be quite daunting because you are not sure if this person might be into it or not. But who knows, your partner might actually be kinkier than you think. You will never know if you don’t talk about it.
Do your research and explore with your partner so you can learn what you like and don’t like, but always make sure that the person you are willing to explore these kinks with feels safe and that you constantly seek consent.
Cheers to more orgasms!