Being pansexual and polyamorous in Nigeria can be a rollercoaster. Before I found out that I was pansexual, I had only ever been with men, but I’ve always known that I am attracted to everyone. Their gender didn’t matter. I was terrified to come out to my friends because, at that point in my life, these ‘friends’ were very homophobic.
I constantly felt suffocated around them because I couldn’t be my authentic self. I was continually hiding parts of myself, and every time I wanted to post anything LGBTQIA+ related, I’d have to make sure that I blocked all of them first.
The first person I came out to about my sexuality was my current ex-boyfriend, and he was pretty chill about it; then, I slowly started telling my friends and sisters. I have recently dropped all of my homophobic friends and just kept the friends who have come to accept me for who I am, and life has honestly been glorious.
My Poly-Journey
I’ve always known that I was polyamorous. I just didn’t know the term for it or how to describe it to people. I’ve always found the box of monogamy to be very stifling. Even in secondary school, I’d get into a lot of trouble with boys because I was always surrounded by the ones I liked. I didn’t know how to explain that I genuinely had equal feelings for all of them and that they all gave me butterflies. Of course, they couldn’t understand, and I felt like something was wrong with me. I would continually ask myself why I couldn’t be like the other girls and crush on just one person.
Fast forward to January 2023, I started researching other relationship dynamics because monogamy wasn’t working for me. I cheated on a lot of my boyfriends (I’m not proud of this) and felt so much shame about it, coupled with the shame of being a closeted pansexual. I didn’t know how to communicate what I needed because I didn’t even understand what I wanted in the first place. So, I went to Instagram and started looking for creators who practised the kind of relationship dynamic that I wanted.
That’s how I discovered ENM (ethical non-monogamy)/polyamory. When I tell you that everything just clicked, I almost started shedding tears because of all the times I felt shame about wanting to experience multiple connections with people. Seeing these people live their truth healed something in me. I started watching many of their videos and realized it’s not enough to say that you are non-monogamous. A lot of work also needs to be done for you to practice this kind of relationship dynamic. I had a lot of childhood trauma, abandonment issues, and jealousy, and I’ve been actively doing the work to heal and be a better person to myself and my partners.
I got a lot of pushback when I told my friends, especially my male friends. I was constantly told things like, “No high-value man would want you,” “Just say you want to sleep around,” “Wake up, this is Nigeria, not America,” and “You have commitment issues, and you need therapy.” Hearing these words constantly hurt me and made me question myself. But then I realized what these men meant was, “How dare you want the full freedom that men have been given for generations and generations?” Ever since I realized that, I dropped all their misogynistic asses. Society constantly seeks to confine women to specific, narrow roles. Your identity is multifaceted, and you have every right to pursue love, express your sexuality, and choose whatever relationship dynamic suits you best.
Polyamory has helped me to experience an abundance of love and hold space for my partners so that they can thrive as their authentic selves. In this article, I’ll share three tips to help you navigate a queer-poly relationship. If you are currently in a monogamous relationship and seeking to open it up, these tips will also guide you.
Be Open and Honest
One of the things I always made sure of was that anytime I went on a date with someone, I always made sure that I was open about the fact that I’m poly. One of the ways I’d bring it up would be when we’d be having a conversation, and I’d casually mention one of my partners. Then when they’ll be like,” You have a partner ?” and then I’ll proceed to explain that I’m poly and see how they’ll react. If they tell me that they can’t be in a poly relationship and that they’re strictly monogamous, then things will end there.
If I mention that I’m poly and they tell me that they are interested, then yes, we can move on. This is really important, as you do not want to string people along in the hopes that when they’ve fallen for you, they’ll be cool with the poly dynamic you practice. This can be very manipulative, and nobody likes being deceived, so be upfront about who you are and let people choose whether they want that kind of lifestyle.
Do the Work
Even when you find out that you are non-monogamous, transitioning to an open relationship can be challenging, it often requires a significant unlearning of monogamous conditioning and can expose wounds and insecurities previously unrecognized.
Understanding and identifying as polyamorous is not sufficient; you must learn to regulate jealousy and codependency and heal your inner wounds. Engaging in polyamory requires you to improve your communication skills and self-awareness. It is also a reminder that if you are already struggling in your monogamous relationship (this is for couples that plan to open up their relationships), you must fix your present relationship before adding a third.
I highly recommend therapy and books on polyamory. My two faves are Polysecure by Jessica Fern and Why It’s OK to Not Be Monogamous by Justin L. Clardy. These books helped me a lot, and I’m sure they’ll help you, too.
Know Your Dealbreakers and Set Boundaries
For me, one of my huge dealbreakers is OPP(one penis policy) or OVP(one vulva policy). OPP is a term used to describe a dynamic where only one man is involved with multiple women. It perpetuates harmful gender norms and reinforces the idea that men have control over women’s bodies and relationships.
It is essential to note that OPP /OVP is not a respectful way to approach polyamory. If I go out with a man/woman and he/she claims to practice OPP/OPV, I immediately disengage because those are not the kind of people you’d want to be in a polyamorous relationship with.
Another dealbreaker for me is that I can’t be with someone who wants to try polyamory but doesn’t want to do the research and the work it takes to unpack monogamous conditioning. It just reveals emotional immaturity, and I’m not down for that.
So, make sure you know your dealbreakers so no one takes advantage of you, especially Nigerian men, because most of them claim to be poly but don’t have any emotional maturity.
Monogamy isn’t the natural default for everyone, and you shouldn’t feel shame for wanting to practice polyamory; both relationship dynamics are valid, and I hope this article helps.
