Real Af is an anonymous series where real people share their interesting life stories and experiences.
We spoke with a 19-year-old Nigerian woman who gets real about her experience being a submissive in the Nigerian BDSM scene as someone who has never had penetrative sex. We talk about her first experience being a Sub, finding a Dominant she could trust, her first Dom/Sub meet-up, and more.
Hey Girl, How Old Are You and What’s Your Sexuality?
I’m 19 and I’m straight. I know this because I’ve tried swinging the other way but it’s not just for me.
Can You Give Me A Background On Your Entry Into The Nigerian BDSM Space?
Omo. It was through Twitter. NSFW Twitter. I had been desperately looking for an experienced physical dominant and Twitter was my last option. Before then, I had met two people. The first person was strictly a physical relationship, but he was not experienced. I feel like he just wanted to mess with me and that’s why he lied about being a dominant. Then there was the other person who made me realize that I’m a submissive, but unfortunately the relationship was online and we did not get to meet. I’m grateful for that because I came to find out that there were some faults in the online relationship, like gaslighting. A friend who was also into the whole BDSM thing then, told me about this BDSM educator on Twitter whose @ I have permission to disclose: @her_fav_king.
Interesting. A Resourceful and Trusted Nigerian BDSM Hook Up Plug.
I sent a direct message to the BDSM Twitter educator, and there’s this thing he does. He would help you post your search request and even advise you on the things you might want to include in that request. Then interested people would DM him and if you’re a match, the BDSM educator will link you up through Twitter. So @her_fav_king, posted my search request on his page and then a couple of people started texting me not too long after.
Meanwhile, you should know that I created a Twitter burner just to find a dominant, that is how desperate I was. I even included in my bio that I was looking for a dominant, so that anyone who comes across my page will immediately know what I want. Someone texted me, apparently he was a dominant, I went through his page and his tweets in particular. You have to do this so that you’re sure the person has sense and to ensure you’re not dealing with a predator. He seemed sensible, but I was soon going to find out that you can’t judge people based off their tweets.
So, I replied him and we talked about our kinks and I found out that we are into the same things. Three days later, we had started texting properly and it was going well until I found out he was 34 years old. I was surprised because he didn’t even text like how I imagine a 30+ person would. While this was going on, the BDSM educator had given me 3 other people’s handles and I was already talking to them. The first one was 36 and was married and although he said it was not going to be a problem, the arrangement couldn’t work for me.
Considering You Have Never Experienced Penetrative Sex In The First Place, How Did You Know It Was Something You Were Into? I Normally Don’t Hear Of People Skipping The Vanilla Phase and Jumping Directly Into Kinks.
Earlier on, I mentioned that I had a dominant but the relationship didn’t progress because it was virtually online. I opened a finsta where I showed my face. It’s basically like a Twitter burner account but on Instagram and it is a friendlier, non-sexual space were you can actually make good friends. So that’s how I started talking to my first dominant. I used to be a very friendly and active person on my finsta account so I used to get a lot of follow requests. This is how we started talking and before I knew it, things started getting sexual between us. Can I go into detail?
During phone sex, he would edge me and that’s when I discovered I was into it. I think that’s how I got to find out that I am a Sub because I was always looking forward to the things he would say and how he would command me, even though I’m naturally a shy person.
What Does It Mean To ‘Edge’ While Sexting?
It’s a kink. It means stopping someone (or yourself) right before they (or you) orgasm. So while we were sexting, I would let him know right before I was going to cum, and he would order me not to.
He also sometimes told me to cut my nails because of how fast they grew, and I would forget. This one time, I asked for permission to touch myself and he asked if I had cut my nails according to his request, and I told him I hadn’t. He allowed me touch myself, but he didn’t allow me orgasm. That was my punishment, so I had to cut my nails like he ordered so I could then pleasure myself.
Oh Wow. It’s Even More Crazy That This Exchange Happened Online.
Yes. It’s more like a mental thing.
What Qualities Were You Looking For In A Dominant?
First off, I was looking for an exclusive long term Dom/Sub relationship. If they were not willing to be exclusive, they had to tell me about the other partners they had, and if they did have other partners, it could only be one, at least.
I am petite, so I like when my dominants are bigger than me because I like physical touch a lot. The dominant I didn’t get to meet in person (the one I just spoke about) was 6 feet 7.
Let’s Talk About Your First Dom/Sub Meetup.
Right now, I don’t have a dominant. The BDSM streets are cruel to be honest. The one I was involved with, who was 34 years old, has been the best so far. I remember when I broke down mid session, and even with an erection, he was so nice to me. Or when I threw up on his dick and we laughed it off. He’s still in my DMs sha. To him, I’m still his sub.
Let me start with the guy whose tweets don’t mirror who he actually is. It wasn’t too long after we had just started talking, when we fixed a movie date. While we were watching the movie, we made out and he noticed I was cold so he took off his shirt and gave it to me to wear, so he had only his singlet on while I was seated on his legs. Honestly, I can’t remember what the movie was about, but the experience with him was amazing. I should mention that there were red flags on that date but because I was so excited to meet a dominant for the first time in real life, I didn’t notice. This guy didn’t reach out to me for about a month after that, which was weird because after the date, we spoke that same night. He even sang me to sleep, though I’m not even into that kind of thing. In BDSM they call it DDLG.
Daddy’s Dom Little Girl. Here the dom acts like a dad. It is more subtle. People that are into this kind of BDSM may not be into tying up, spanking or whipping. For the little girl, there’s age regression.
I’m into brat tamers and brats. It’s more intense because brats are known to be stubborn mostly for attention.
Okay, So After He Ghosted You And Then Reached Out To You, How Did Things Play Out?
He didn’t reach out for almost a month and then suddenly texted me, wanting to meet up. He was 23 at the time, and the reason why I still wanted to continue things with this guy was because he was the perfect age for me. I agreed and met up with him at a guest house. Before then, he had told me how he wanted me to dress. When I arrived, he asked me to sit on his thighs and then he started spanking me and I really enjoyed it.
After that, he brought out a laptop cord, tied me up and put an egg vibrator in me. We dry humped and there was bondage.
Why Did The Relationship Eventually Come To An End?
No pressure was applied from his end, and I felt I was just being used to satisfy his urges. He wasn’t yet my dominant, he was just applying to be, and he wasn’t applying pressure to get the position.
Apart From Your Pleasure, What Else Do You Gain From Being A Sub?
Material things aren’t there. That one is findom. I feel loved. My ex dominant wanted the best for me. I used to have a minor eating disorder and he mapped out a timetable and was like my personal human alarm clock. He had my best interests at heart.
Why Are You Not Interested In Penetrative Sex?
I’m not into it because I see penetrative sex as a deeper level of connection with a significant other and not just a casual activity or something. I plan on having it first with a friend I trust.
And What Other Acts Do You Draw The Line At?
Scat play and any anal play. I have tried wax play before.
Wax Play Sounds Painful. What’s Scat Play?
There’s a particular candle for BDSM wax play. The wax temperature is not as high as your regular candle. I have used only the regular candle wax though and it didn’t hurt. It just heightened my senses.
Scat play is a kink that basically involves poo. It could be the submissive enjoying getting pooped on, or playing with poop. It could also be a dominant enjoying pooping on a sub, or having the sub play with their poop.
Oh, Wow. Tell Me About Your Favourite Dom So Far.
I wanted an exclusive relationship but was told my chances of finding an experienced dominant that didn’t already have a submissive, was slim. I eventually met this guy, and we started by having online sessions via video calls. My first offline session with him, his sub was present. I agreed to having her around because I felt safe being in the presence of another girl.
Of course, we had a threesome, but before then he had asked me to take a picture of my body which he was going to send to the girl, and he sent a picture of her body to me too. I was nervous as fuck. He texted me the hotel address, and when I got there it was his sub who picked me up. We talked and found out that we had similar interests. Then, she booked the room and I went in with her.
My brain was everywhere until my dom eventually came. His sub was the type that kept a BDSM kit but she had forgotten it this time around. He was mad at her because that’s basically what you need in a BDSM session, so he ordered her to go and get it. When she left, he asked me to sit on his thighs, which I did. He told me earlier what to wear, maybe for easy access, I don’t know why, but I listened to him. So while he was talking, he started rubbing on my thighs, then he put his egg vibrator in me while still asking about my day.
I should bring to your notice that before we met, he had asked me to pick 3 safe words and I had already started using them during our online sessions. His sub eventually came back with the BDSM kit and then he asked us to wear the lingerie he got us. We put it on and he handcuffed my hands and cuffed my legs, while his sub put a blindfold over my eyes. Immediately, my body started getting attention from everywhere. At a point, his sub also brought out a bullet vibrator and they were both just using it on me. I was just getting pleasure from everywhere.
He used a paddle to spank me and told me to count. When it was becoming a bit too much for me, I used my safe word to get him to slow down, and then the pain became softer. A ball gag was in my mouth too and there was an anal vibrator in me.
I was open to anal play but omo, not anymore. It’s not an easy job training the anal muscles and I am not down for that hardwork abeg. I was being edged and overstimulated with my dom taking pauses and asking if I would like to use my safe words due to the fact that my mouth was occupied. Eventually, he stopped, uncuffed me and then started feeding and babying me – It’s called aftercare. He then went back to his sub and fucked her, while I watched.
Was That The First And Last Session You had With Him?
Nope. I had about 4-5 more. Two with his sub and then the rest was only him and I. Our sessions weren’t only for sexual activities, there was communication and bonding involved. There was a time I had issues at work and had to quit and he was there to help me through it, and in getting another stream of income.
Another thing you should know is, I wrote an application to him and there was an agreement between him and I. It’s the right thing to do in any Dom/Sub relationship.
What Was The Agreement?
A written agreement of the dynamics of our relationship. The date it started.. things like that. It was basically an application letter agreeing to be his submissive.
Did He Ever Ask To Sleep With You?
He never did. Not even once. Me being pleasured by him gave him pleasure. Me submitting to him too.
Why Did You Guys Stop Seeing Each Other?
He broke our agreement. He got another sub and met up with another babe off NSFW Twitter. I found out about it and I mentally detached from him. Plus he wasn’t giving me attention anymore. One day, we had this argument about where we were going to meet up and he just kept on being manipulative, so I just ended things.
Unfortunately for me, I’m yet to meet another Dom like him.
What Are Some Misconceptions You Would Like To Clear Regarding BDSM?
That BDSM is wickedness and pain. That BDSM is flogging and whipping during sex.
Well It’s part of it, but not entirely. I hate the misconception that BDSM involves penetrative sex, and that BDSM relationships are unhealthy. Though penetrative sex can be a large part of BDSM, the nature of sharing energy and power in a highly communicated, consensual way goes far beyond sexual release. BDSM is a practice that can offer so many opportunities for growth, fun, band deeper intimacy – and it doesn’t even have to do with sex. It provides experiences that address so many things that are important to a relationship and personal well-being.
What Are Some Things You Don’t Like About The Nigerian BDSM Scene?
The Dom/Sub Nigerian space so far has been welcoming to me. Although one thing I have noticed that I don’t like, would be how there’s a minority of male subs and female dominants.
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