The Single Girl Diaries is a series where we explore the many interesting, unfiltered stories and experiences of single girls everywhere. We’re here for everything from the good times to the challenges. The stories cover a wide range of topics, from dating and self-growth to matters of the heart and mind and everything else in between.
In our latest story, 26-year-old Yemi recounts her whirlwind romance with Charles, a 37-year-old married man with two kids. She details their journey from friends to romantic partners and reflects on their current status as a dysfunctional couple.
“My name is Yemi. I’m 26 years old. Before Charles, I didn’t know my worth and would settle for anything and anyone. No one else ever made the effort he did to understand me and treat me like a deserving partner in need of love; it’s ironic, considering he was the one already committed.
My Dating Life
My dating life has been very sad. As I mentioned, prior to meeting Charles, I didn’t recognize my own value and would accept anything and anyone.
My relationship with Charles wasn’t defined by his marital status but by our genuine connection. I’ve had married men approach me in the past, but it never worked out. I didn’t connect with them. Through Charles, I discovered my value and learned not to settle for less. Reflecting on my past relationships, I realize that it was this thing with this married man that helped me understand my true worth and transform my approach to dating.
Meeting and Falling for Charles
Charles and I have known each other for a while. We met when I was serving, and almost immediately, he was always there for me. In fact, I saw him as a big brother to whom I could always tell anything. When I was having issues with where I was staying as a corper, he was always there to give me hope. As the first child, my family would not have understood what I was going through, but I could always talk about anything with him.
In August 2022, we saw each other after church one particular Sunday and had a random conversation. That night, he asked me out of the blue, “What do you think of me?” and I said, “If you were not married, I would shoot my shot because you’re a fine man and a good person.” We spoke until way past midnight, and he not only said that he thinks he likes me but that it’s safe for him to tell me that he loves me.
I hesitated. It did not make sense to me because I was thinking, “How did we go from you giving me advice to telling me that you love me?” From then on, we started talking every day. I remember in that same August, I was craving cake, and I just told him casually, and he said he would see what he could do about it. I kid you not, two days later somebody called me to deliver a whole birthday cake from him. It was then that I knew this man was serious.
It took me about three months from the day he expressed how he felt about me to tell him I loved him back.
Charles and I don’t have a defined relationship. We still spoke about it last month, and I told him that we are in a situationship. Yes, we like each other but can’t be together, even though he has done a lot for me.
When we started our situationship, I wanted to take a course, and it was about 50,000 naira. Then, I was living on my NYSC allawi and the money he was sending weekly for my upkeep. That’s how I was surviving. I told him casually about the course; before the deadline, he sent me the money to pay for it. He would always buy me things which were not always expensive, but it showed he cared, and it was better than I can say for anyone I was with before him. After NYSC, he continued to send me money even when I didn’t have a job and even after I got one.
When I think about the kind of relationship I have with him, it isn’t all about the money, and neither is it all about the sex; it’s just the peace of mind that I didn’t enjoy before meeting him. Sometimes, when my mom or siblings start drama at home, I would always run to him. He is a very kind and loving person. Given how he is with me, you would expect that he’s not taking his family responsibilities seriously. But no, I see the way he takes care of his family.
And when my dad died, that was the icing on the cake. This man is so supportive. I don’t think he can ever leave my head because he has done so much.
How We Got Caught
The first time we had sex was on a Friday; by the following Sunday, his wife had found out about us, and it was wild. This happened just as I was rounding off my NYSC. I went for my final clearance and hadn’t received any texts from him since that morning. Then, I got a message: “My wife knows about us.” I was shook.
That was the breaking point for us, but it didn’t teach us any lessons. We had to cut off communication because his wife was monitoring him closely. She found out we were still in contact, even if less frequently, causing more issues at home. Despite the backlash he faced, he never took it out on me. I was the one putting pressure on him and getting upset unnecessarily, leading to constant fights. Eventually, we stopped communicating entirely. It was a terrible time.
How did his wife catch him?
He said his wife noticed he was spending so much time on his phone. He was always chatting, and he even put a password on his WhatsApp. So, his wife was wondering what was going on. I don’t know how she did it, but he was already asleep, and she copied our chats from his phone.
Our chats were pretty damning. There was no way he could lie his way out. We were always talking dirty a lot. He was the one who made me realize that one of my primary love languages is words of affirmation because he always knew the right things to say. So, you can imagine his wife now checking his phone and seeing everything. He said she woke him up at midnight and confronted him. I was upset because I wondered why he would be so careless with his phone. How could he have left some of the chats there?
Still, I am Charles’ Woman
Fast-forward to May 2023. We started talking regularly again and making time to see each other, even if it was just for short periods. He would take me out, and we would find time to make out in his car. This continued until June. Then, I got a job and would lie to my family, saying I had official duties that required me to stay out overnight. Charles and I would go to a hotel and spend the night together. You can imagine what happened there.
From that June until now, it’s been a good time for me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m in a relationship, even though what I have with him isn’t defined. I can’t openly say that I’m dating him. It’s just been Charles and me. I get jealous that Charles can’t always be mine, but I understand it’s not his fault. It’s one of the reasons why, when he says he wants to marry me, I think it will be tough. People know he’s married, and if he suddenly gets divorced to marry me, they’ll think he was cheating from the start.
When our situation began, I kept talking about his wife because I didn’t want any trouble. I told him that I didn’t want his wife to find out about us, but with how things are now, I’m not sure where I stand. Before we started having sex, I mentioned how high my libido was and how I always thought about getting married so I could have sex whenever I wanted. He told me that marriage wouldn’t cure a high libido. He’s very passionate, but his wife doesn’t give him any sex. He has repeatedly told me he’s not with me just for the sex; there’s a lot he enjoys about being with me.
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Before he got married, his wife knew he was a passionate person. He likes to touch, feel, and have sex. Before their marriage, she always held back when he tried to touch her, and as a Christian, he thought she was trying to be strong for both of them. On their wedding night, they almost didn’t have sex because she said she was scared. Nine years into their marriage, she still uses the same excuse. She never talks dirty, doesn’t give him blow jobs, and they don’t connect on many levels.
Meanwhile, Charles and I talk and laugh like agemates. He does appreciate some things about his wife, like caring for the family and household, but they have no passion. Sometimes, he doesn’t even get hard when they are together.
He has spoken to her about this lack of connection several times. She said it was because of an implant, but when he suggested she remove it, she refused. On the other hand, he likes how I make him feel loved and appreciated. Charles always tries to engage his wife, but the heat has been unbearable lately. One day, he came home to find her in red and white lingerie. When he asked if she wore it for him, she said it was because of the heat, which was a huge turn-off. She never initiates sex, and when he does, she tries to postpone it. He wants to explore and try new things, and I know how expressive I am. These are the things he probably prefers.
Charles has been married for nine years, and on their anniversary, they had an issue. He said that sometimes his wife would be moody and give him attitude. She has not forgiven him for cheating the previous year, so she hasn’t been giving him sex. She thinks that anytime they have sex, he’s probably thinking of me, which doesn’t make any sense to me. This man is willing to help her overcome her shyness, but it’s clear she’s just not ready. Recently, he has been talking about wanting a divorce. Ironically, I’m the one advising him to try and make things work with her.
Anyway, she carried her lousy mood into their wedding anniversary, which upset him because he had spoken to her several times about the attitude. One Sunday, when they were preparing for church, she got physical with him by dragging his shirt. He’s still very upset about it, and he’s not been eating in the house. He says this is like the final straw for him to get a divorce, and that if he gets a divorce, he will come for me. But I’m still like, I don’t know because he has two children.
I’ll be frank with you. If his wife was trying to make the marriage work how Charles needs it, I would be more sympathetic. But right now, I don’t care about his wife; she has brought this upon herself. It’s his children I care about.
He told me that his wife recently joined an online intimacy group, and there was one time an assignment requested she and him to touch themselves in front of each other, but she couldn’t do it. I was like, come on, it’s your husband!
Sadly, there are so many other scenarios like that. He tells me out of frustration because sometimes you pity him when you hear him talk. I recently advised him to talk to someone else who is not me, and funny enough, the people that he spoke to advised him to take a break from his marriage.
Honestly, I don’t know if I can be a stepmom. When the conversation about him marrying me came up, I told him that as much as I don’t mind being with him forever, I would not want a situation where we get married, and he started comparing me with his ex-wife. I can actually handle being a stepmom. It’s left for the kids to embrace me as their new mom.
Leaving Charles
Right now, I’m still looking for a boyfriend oh. I’ve tried letting Charles go, and anytime I tell him I want a man…my own person, he always feels bad that it’s not him that I get to do life with. I cannot say I’m trying to un-love him, but I’m trying to channel that energy into something else. I don’t want a situation where I meet someone tomorrow, and it will be tough for me to commit to him because of what I have or had with Charles.
I love him, yet things are complicated. One thing is for sure: Charles has made me realize that I would never settle for less.
*Names have been changed
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