Who looks after the eldest daughter? In most cultures, no one.
“I don’t think I want to have children of my own. I’ve been taking care of siblings for such a long time now, I feel that by the time I get married and want to have kids, whatever maternal instinct I must have had would have been completely depleted.” This text from a close friend of mine (who is the oldest sibling and first daughter in her family), recently threw me off guard. She finished the rather grim text by adding, “but that’s just me oh.”
I did some digging, and apparently, it isn’t just her.
For a long time now, the internet has been lit with eldest daughters- the oldest female siblings in families, coming to a common realization. There are unique, unfair and invisible pressures and responsibilities mounted upon them by virtue of their birth order. In my research, I noticed many patterns in the grievances of Nigerian eldest daughters on the internet. One, when it comes to the home training of eldest daughters, more often than not, they are dealt with harsher disciplinary measures, at least in comparison to their younger ones. Two, the independence and freedom of eldest daughters are curtailed to a large extent. Parents’ rationale behind this restriction was so that their younger siblings would have a perfect role model to look up to.
Three, eldest daughters often not only parent their younger ones, but also (surprisingly), their parents. Simply put, usually, for eldest daughters, to an extent that borders on unhealthy, there is some sort of role reversal between them and their parents/guardians/caregivers. It manifests in several ways: they bear the brunt of household chores, they spend a crazy amount of time babysitting or watching over their siblings, they care for sick family members, they play therapist to their parents during arguments and in impoverished homes, they automatically assume the role of financial caretaker. Another word for this is Parentification.
This is not to say that first-born sons have it easy. However, while firstborn sons are raised with the expectation of being financial providers, firstborn daughters are not only placed on that pedestal but are also expected to contribute largely to the domestic and emotional well-being of the household, a thing that is rarely expected of sons.
A UNICEF study conducted in 2016 revealed that Girls between 5 and 14 years old spend 40 per cent more time, or 160 million more hours a day, on unpaid household chores. This unequal distribution of labour limits the girl child’s time to enjoy her childhood. Domestic and emotional labour, which I will term “caring,” entails a lot. This “caring” is primarily expected from the oldest daughter in many Nigerian/POC households.
The oldest daughter plays an indispensable and often thankless role in being the glue of the family unit (the most important unit of any society, if I may remind us all). Still, it comes at a cost, which I noticed most of these women explicitly shared in their tweets. When it wasn’t explicitly stated, it was quite palpable from the story they were sharing on the subject matter: resentment.
Apart from this resentment that builds from decades of having to grow up before actually being a grown-up, a licensed marriage and family therapist, Kati Morton coined the phrase “eldest daughter syndrome” to identify 8 specific negative behavioural traits that one unconsciously adopts from decades of playing the role of the oldest sister.
You Have an Intense Feeling of Responsibility
As the eldest daughter, you’re often perceived as a role model for your younger siblings, leading to an insane pressure to set a good example by excelling in all aspects of your life.
You are an Overachiever, Type A, and You’re Very Driven
Eldest daughters and performing beyond expectations for external validation go hand in hand, most likely because, for a good portion of their lives, they were pressured by their family to not only be the best versions of themselves but also to make no room for mistakes—academically, financially, morally, professionally.
You Worry a Lot and Probably Have Anxiety
Having extra responsibilities that one shouldn’t be taking on at an early age, as well as being constantly put on a pedestal you literally never asked for or wanted to aspire to, may trigger feelings of anxiety, especially for things that are outside your control.
You Struggle with People-Pleasing Behaviours
It isn’t uncommon for first daughters to be people-pleasers. There’s a high chance that one will develop people-pleasing tendencies when they spend a good portion of their formative years trying to live up to the high expectations of their parents.
You Have a Hard Time Placing and Upholding Boundaries
Eldest daughters may find it difficult to uphold boundaries because they often feel a strong sense of responsibility for their family’s well-being, leading them to develop the habit of prioritizing others’ needs over their own. Additionally, societal expectations regarding gender roles may influence their behaviour, forcing them to adopt nurturing and caretaking roles, even at their expense.
You Resent Your Siblings and Family
As the oldest daughter, chances are you make a lot of sacrifices and compromises in a bid to keep your family happy and together. It can be something as simple as wanting to order takeout for just yourself, then realising the whole house hasn’t eaten yet, so you decide to either spend more money ordering food for everyone or go to the kitchen to make a meal for everyone. It can also be something as complicated as not getting your own place because you can’t stand to leave your young siblings alone with your abusive parents.
Constantly compromising on your joy will surely make you resent your siblings and family, even though you love them very much. I can’t even imagine how nerve-wracking the cognitive dissonance may be.
You Struggle with Feelings of Guilt
Because eldest daughters tend to put their family first in most instances, the few times they decide to choose themselves (even when it comes to other relationships), they feel guilty. Please if this is you, be gentle with yourself.
You Have a Difficult Time in Your Adult Relationships
The possibility that an eldest daughter will carry her family dynamics into a platonic or romantic relationship is high and generally not good for her well-being and the positive sustenance of that relationship she has entered into. She may begin to over-extend herself in a bid to keep the relationship smooth-sailing, she may find it difficult to express her own needs, she may carry the emotional burden of her family problems into non-family relationships, and because she has spent so much of her time trying to live up to her loved one’s opinions on how she should live her life, she may deal with some identity crisis, leading to confusion of what she really wants out of life.
Parents and younger siblings in Nigeria, you’ve been put on notice: your first daughter/sister is exhausted from doing it all.
