An anonymous series where real people share their interesting life stories and experiences.
We spoke to a 25-year-old woman about her sex life dilemma; how she’s only able to orgasm during sex with her boyfriend, when she’s thinking about someone else.
She talks about her need to explore and try different things *outside* the bedroom, and how her partner has every time shut it down, leaving her to think twice about her relationship.
Tell Us About Your Current Relationship.
So I have been dating my boyfriend officially for almost 2 years now, we met at a mutual friend’s birthday party. He’s my first serious boyfriend because I’ve been with women mostly all my life; casually, and romantically. So I would say that I’m bisexual, although he (my boyfriend) doesn’t believe that.
When we met, I opened up to him about it but he made it seem like my being with women was a “phase” I’ve passed through. Meanwhile, every time I have sex with him, I have to think of someone else to orgasm. Like, I have to think of myself fucking someone else before I’m able to cum.
Do You Think About Just The Women You Have Been With, Or Men As Well?
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had sex, and I mean great sex with guys. I just never pursued a serious relationship with any of them before my boyfriend. Sometimes, I think of the women I’ve been with, sometimes I think of the men. I get off as long as I’m not thinking of my boyfriend in that moment.
Do You Think You’re Tired Of The Relationship?
When we started dating, things were wonderful. We had that spark and we were inseparable. He actually always gave me butterflies, but fast forward to now o, I don’t know where those butterflies went. Sex with him now is so boring.
I wouldn’t say I’m tired, I just need more excitement in the relationship.
Sometime ago during sex, I legit screamed out someone else’s name but managed to play it off as something else.
Ah. How Were You Able To Play It Off?
I was thinking of my ex who is a woman, and her name is an English name so I think it just flew past him, like he didn’t give it too much thought.
Sometimes, I leave porn playing in the background while we’re fucking, just so my mind can be elsewhere.
I know it sounds horrible, my friends have even advised me to dead the relationship, but its easier said than done because I actually do love him, I just constantly find myself having to think about other people when we have sex.
Let’s Backtrack A Bit. When Did You Start Feeling This Way?
I would say that I’m a very adventurous person. I like trying new things because I get bored easily. After a while, sex with him started to feel like a routine. Like a Sunday house chore; you’re tired and you’re not in the mood, but you just know you have to do it, so you do. I’ve tried spicing things up with him, but he’s just too laid back. Like for instance now, he’s more comfortable having sex on a bed. If I try other places like a table, the sink, a chair, we go at it for like 5 seconds before he then proceeds to moving things to the bedroom.
Even apart from that, I’ve tried to guide him in the past and communicate to him the things I like and don’t like, what gets me going and what doesn’t, but he doesn’t listen.
What’s worse than a man who thinks he’s great at sex when in reality he’s weak as shit?
At least take to correction sometimes now, but no.
I even tried initiating a threesome once but omo, he immediately shut it down.
What Was His Reason For Shutting It Down?
He said threesome’s were a bad idea between a couple, and that we shouldn’t risk it. I told him how it will be between us and another woman but he no gree.
Has This Made You Want To Be With Other People?
Yes. I’m not proud to say it but I’ve cheated on him a few times.
I’m not happy about it, but I’m only 25 years old, how can I be complaining about my sex life at this age?
I’m not looking for any emotional connection outside, but I actually met someone recently who I actually have fun with, and later have great sex with.
Wait First. You’ve Met Someone Else?
I wouldn’t put it like that, but yes I have.
I met this new person at a work event, and its been great. It has actually put me in a dilemma, not like I want anything serious with this person, but its really made me think and put things into perspective.
Things Like What?
Like, why continue to stay in a relationship if I’m not happy? I’m not married or anything.
Apart From The Sex, Would You Say You’re Not Happy In Your Relationship?
Sex plays an important part in a relationship. If you feel disconnected from your partner sexually, that’s usually where the wahala starts from, and in my situation, that is exactly it.
So Tell Us About This New Person.
I wouldn’t say I know that much about him, we only met not long ago. What I know is, I like his energy, and I like the way he fucks me.
How Does He Fuck You?
LMAO.
What Do You Like Most About Sex With Him, Compared To Sex With Your Boyfriend?
He is attentive! it’s so attractive how attentive he is. Not even to me, but to my body. And he seems to be as adventurous as me. We have only had sex a few times, but those few times were great. And when I orgasm, I don’t have to think about anyone else in that moment.
The thing with my boyfriend is, he wants to have sex his way. I ask him to touch me a particular way and he doesn’t listen. I ask that we make love somewhere else that isn’t a bed, and he doesn’t listen.
I really didn’t think I would cheat on him, but omo, things happen.
So Where Do You See Things Going With This New Person?
Its to just take each day as it comes, tbh. I’m having fantastic sex and its even showing on my face and in my work, abeg I’m glowing. I really don’t plan to end things with this person because I’m enjoying what we have going on.
Do You Think You’ll End Things With Your Boyfriend?
I can’t say right now. If things don’t improve, I just might.
And it isn’t just because I’m unhappy with our sex life. I try to be very realistic all the time, I can’t spend my life with someone who refuses to explore and try new things. Most especially someone who refuses to listen.
Sex is very important to me, as it should be. A lot of the time, men are soooo sure they know their way around a woman’s body, and they believe they are doing a good job when they aren’t.
If your woman communicates to you what she likes and doesn’t like, or what she’s open to sexually, listen!
And if your man is doing a shit job during sex, don’t fake any orgasm, instead tell him “please stop, you’re doing rubbish”.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
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