The Single Girl Diaries is a series where we explore the many interesting, unfiltered stories and experiences of single girls everywhere. From the fun times to the hard times, we want to hear all about it! The stories range from experiences with sex and dating, money, self-improvement, and career and sexual health.
In this article *Cynthia shares her experience of falling in love with and dating a straight woman with a boyfriend as a lesbian.
“I’m a lesbian, officially a lesbian since a few years back. I started dating my female best friend who is supposedly straight and has a boyfriend. Her boyfriend decides I’m the root of his problems and that I’m stealing his joy and starts sending threatening messages. A few months into our relationship, she gets pregnant for him but still wants to continue the relationship with me.”
My Dating Life
I’m a 28-year-old banker, and I was single for six years. I’d been in about four relationships, all of which ended in months, the longest lasting six months. I had always felt resentment for men somewhere deep inside me, but I thought it was normal, so by the time I was 18 and in my first year in university, I felt like I was open to exploring and dating.
My first relationship was with this guy called Leke. I admired him a lot because he was good-looking. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I wanted the attention, so I kept staring until he noticed me and walked up to me one day. He moved fast, asked me on a date, and I agreed. He took me on a boat cruise — yeah, he did that. It was the most interesting and flattering thing someone had ever done in my young life, and I was thrilled.
Leke was the perfect gentleman. He showed me to his friends, wined and dined me, we danced, and I had a lot of fun. Later that evening, he took me to a hotel. I was a virgin and in no way ready to lose it to a guy I barely knew. He sensed my discomfort, and his attitude started to change. He asked me out then and there to be his girlfriend officially, and when I declined, he got mad. You could see the fury in his eyes. He kept gripping his knuckles and he told me to think about my decision before morning. He left me alone in the room, and by morning he was back.
As a naive 18-year-old with no knowledge of how to get back, without money and with nobody knowing my whereabouts, I accepted to be his girlfriend just to make it out alive and well. We dated for two months, and those were probably my worst two months to date. Everything about the relationship was horrible, but now that I think about it, maybe it was because I didn’t really like men at the time, but still, Leke was horrible. The other three relationships were pretty much the same. The last one ended the day after, and I decided to remain single after that. I did have friends-with-benefits relationships though.
Coming to Terms With My Sexuality and Meeting Her
I realised towards my final year that the resentment I thought I had for men was just because I liked girls, when I met this girl that was introduced by a mutual friend. That crush was bad; never had I ever felt like that before. For the first time I was in love, but she liked men, so she was a no-no. I graduated with my feelings and sexuality in my backpack, same thing during Youth Service. There was just me alone and single with a very homophobic family. My family hated Sam Smith and all his songs just because he’s queer, so being a lesbian is the worst thing I could ever do to them.
I was lucky, in no time I had a good job. I remember walking into the bank and coming in contact with Favour who unknown to me, would be the love of my life. She’s beautiful, really beautiful. I couldn’t hold a candle to her, and I’m a really beautiful lady if I do say so myself. My first day at work, she did everything to make sure I would get the hang of things in no time. She was very thoughtful, and she smiled a lot. Till today, watching her smile makes me happy.
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She helped me a lot at work till we became really close. We’d do almost everything together as long as it wasn’t affecting our jobs. Rumours started going around that we were a thing, of course, I debunked them because I couldn’t go messing up her life with such rumours when I knew she was straight.
I worked there for 2 years, and we were closer than ever. She’d come to my house when she could, and I’d do the same. We spent a lot of time together. She had no idea I was into her, and I didn’t want to scare her away, so I kept quiet. I also knew she had a boyfriend.
Being in Love With a Straight Woman (With a Boyfriend)
One fine Sunday morning, she came to my house early. She looked nervous and scared. It took her some time to be able to tell me what the issue was, and when she did, the first thing that came out of her mouth was, “I’m in love with someone” and my heart sank. I’m naturally composed, so I didn’t give any reaction, but I noticed that she was waiting for a reaction. I laughed and asked if she had just realised she was in love with her boyfriend, and she said he wasn’t the one. Okay, we were getting to the uncomfortable part. One hour later and she was sweating profusely and stuttering, and I realised that maybe it was me she was in love with but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but my stupid facial muscles were doing this thing that resembles a smile. I wasn’t in control. I wanted her to say it just to confirm, and she did eventually. I still smile when I remember the feeling of joy that engulfed me. I used to hear of butterflies in the stomach, and that day I felt butterflies in my stomach.
We started dating officially, and I’d never felt more fulfilled. Life was perfect, and I was living in the clouds. That was until her boyfriend went through her phone and started sending me threatening messages.
As I said earlier, I and composure are 5 & 6. In all the time he sent messages, I never for one day gave him the impression that I was actually dating her. He read the chats quite alright, but I was rewriting the conversation in his head till he started doubting his sanity. Gatekeep, gaslight, girl boss.
But still, the messages didn’t stop. With time, they even started getting softer, more like he enjoyed chatting with me until he asked me out on a date. Of course, I declined because I can’t be dating the girlfriend and hanging out with the boyfriend. What a life! Besides, I didn’t even trust his intentions. That guy really tried to scare me away, but it was impossible oh, I get coconut head.
How dare he try to spoil something so good, something I’d never experienced and something I’d never let go of. He gave up eventually, and while enjoying the peace of him “giving up”, I didn’t know everything was going to take a bad turn, the quiet before the storm.
Chaos Ensues…
Some months into the perfect relationship, she fell ill and I jokingly asked her if she was pregnant, and what she said was, “I don’t know!” Ehn? You don’t know? Ah, My God. I still thought she was joking, but something in my gut was telling me she was serious.
The next morning, she called me crying that she’s pregnant. I was numb instantly, but at that point, I knew I’d have to be there not as a girlfriend, but as a best friend. He wanted her to keep it, but she wanted to remove it. I wanted to be selfish; I wanted to ask her to abort it, I wanted to ask her to leave him if he insisted she kept it, but I couldn’t. Love is not selfish.
So I asked her to think carefully about what she wanted, and that’s all that mattered. She said he was coming to meet her family so that they could start the process of getting married. Nice one – James 10, me 0.
He’d done something I could never do. I’d never felt that much pain, EVER. I’m not sure she ever realised the extent of pain I felt and still feel. She apologised a lot, but I couldn’t blame her, I’d set myself up for this heartbreak from the beginning, and I knew it. I knew she’d want to get married, she’s not like me. I don’t have marriage in any of my plans except it’s to a woman, which for now is impossible in my country.
I put on my best friend’s shoes, and it hurt like hell, but that’s what I was meant to do. I’m not unreasonable, and if marriage would make her happy, then so be it. But I swore to myself never to fall for straight girls or even bisexual girls. The heartbreak is ten times worse.
In no time, wedding preparations began, and Favour was married. I’d however not say ‘happily married’ because, to be honest, she didn’t look all that happy, but what do I know? At the wedding, James and I even had a quiet, silent face-off. But it wasn’t really serious. Immediately they were declared husband and wife, I went straight home and I cried. I’d never cried that much, I thought I’d die, but thank God I’m still standing. It really affected my life and my job and I couldn’t talk to anyone, not my family and definitely not friends, mostly because I don’t have friends. I got a suspension from work, and I wasn’t even bothered. I needed and deserved it.
All this was going on while there was serious pressure coming from my mum to bring a man home, plus I was not able to tell her that I don’t like men. I drop hints, but she doesn’t get them. I’m very much single now even though Favour wanted us to continue after her marriage, but that’s just plain wrong even for me, so I respectfully declined. We still talk, but nothing more, and it’s once in a while.
Do I still love her? Yes. Am I in a better place? Yes. Will I ever get back together with her? Never. The only thing worse than dating a married man is dating a married woman. I’m very single and not searching and seriously planning to leave the country for somewhere I can be free from family, heteronormative values and criticism.
If you’re a Single girl and you have a story you will like to share that falls under either of these categories; sex and dating, self improvement, mental health and sexual health, click here.
