Have you ever wondered why we’re intentional about everything except our love lives? It’s funny how we often know what job we’re looking for or the kind of house we want to live in, but few people are ever sure about the type of person they want to be with.
I recently found myself involved with a man already in a relationship. I knew something was not right and had to do some self-reflection. How could I have promised myself no more situationships, but here I was, hopelessly navigating one? I couldn’t imagine how and why I would allow a whole spec like myself to accept bits and pieces from a man obviously giving his complete love and affection to another woman.
I met him in the middle of 2023. In the beginning, it seemed like everything was going wonderfully. It was all rosy. I genuinely believed we were building a connection and enjoying each other’s company. He dropped the bomb much later in ‘our relationship’. He wasn’t single at all. He was, in fact, in a long-term relationship. He also did not hesitate to mention how his relationship was rocky then. Though this ‘rocky’ relationship was making him ‘unhappy’ as he stated, he didn’t seem like he wanted to let it go and wanted to keep trying. After finding this out, I still chose to stay despite having feelings for him, which I’m sure he knew about. I comforted myself with the friend zone, telling myself I could be his loving and supportive friend.
The following weeks saw our ‘friendship’ bringing us way too close for comfort; the chemistry was crazy, and the energy was on another level. The friendship became increasingly undesirable, and I realised I couldn’t be just friends. I wanted more with each conversation, disguised as flirting and a show of affection and love. I wanted to be more. With all of these, I was periodically hopeful that we were gradually becoming something, and it would only be a matter of time before the existing girlfriend would be out of the scene. It also didn’t help that his actions were constantly fueling my hopes. Time would prove me wrong over and over again.
While engaging with him almost daily, my confidence plummeted, my self-worth virtually disappeared, and I had the unbearable and humiliating feeling of not being good enough because he always somehow managed to keep me at arm’s length. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t pick me or give us a chance since he seemingly mentioned he wasn’t happy in his relationship.
One night, while having our usual interesting discussions, he mentioned at some point, almost like a reminder, that ‘there was nothing between us as we were not dating.’ Of all the alarm bells I had heard while with this man, this was the loudest, and fortunately for me, it woke me up from the deep sleep I had been in ever since everything started. It was a sharp wake-up call, and I realised I had been putting myself in an uncomfortable and compromising situation for a long time.
Moving on from someone I liked was my most challenging decision in 2023. Still, it was necessary because after that episode of ‘Three is a Crowd’, I promised myself that I would never allow myself to be in that situation again. It’s like seeing great potential in something and deciding not to explore or pursue it.
After a few weeks of prioritising my emotional health and taking a break for myself, I decided that part of my New Year’s resolution was to be intentional about my dating life. 2024 has to be the year I choose to do what I want without feeling guilty for placing my interest above someone else’s or, most importantly, choosing someone who won’t pick me because, girl, I can’t be paying the price for not prioritising myself.
Being intentional about your dating life will save you a lot of heartache. It will allow you to have more fulfilled relationships with others and yourself. Intentional dating will allow you to discover who you are to your core.
So, What Does it Mean to be Intentional About Your Dating Life?
It is simply being accountable to yourself, knowing what you want in a partner, the kind of relationship you are open to, and owning these truths. It clarifies what you are looking for and takes purposeful and deliberate steps to achieve it. We owe ourselves the respect, the love, and the princess treatment we demand and deserve, and it is up to us to make that happen.
So, how can we be more intentional about our dating life? Here are 8 specific ways:
Establish Clear Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries begins with understanding what a healthy relationship looks like, especially if you grew up in a home where your parents’ relationship was turbulent or unhealthy. In such cases, it can be challenging to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy relationships. However, you can start by identifying your deal breakers. These will guide you in setting personal boundaries.
By understanding the characteristics of a healthy relationship, recognizing your deal breakers, and adhering to your boundaries, you’ll easily notice when someone crosses those lines. This awareness will empower you to take the necessary actions to maintain your boundaries (see, easy peasy!).
Be Honest and Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
Express yourself and your needs! When we first get to know someone, we tend to put our best selves forward. Sometimes, we do all this, neglecting who we are and what we want. It’s crucial that, as the baddies we are, we remain our authentic selves, no matter the urge to impress a guy.
Be upfront and honest, and own your truth. If you’re not okay with a situationship, nicely let them know. If you want a long-term, serious relationship, communicate that too. Don’t be silent because the person doesn’t want the same thing you want. It’s better to let them know early on than to go with the flow, hoping they’ll change their minds later (which many of us do!). The right person will always stay and accept the original version of ourselves. They are not worth having if they don’t like you for who you are.
Only Do What You’re Comfortable With
Go with your own pace and flow! Don’t let anyone rush you; most importantly, don’t allow yourself to be influenced by what others say. Every relationship and situation is different. What works for couple A might not work for couple B. How Folake communicated with her man over that issue might give a different result to Funmi!
Being intentional about your dating life all comes down to knowing your unique situation and your partner and doing what’s best for both of you. If Babe A got married three months after meeting Mr. Right, that shouldn’t get you all worked up to get married in three months, too. What makes the dating pool unique is the fact that no two relationships are the same. Everyone has a beautiful and different story to tell.
Be Open to Dating Outside Your Comfort Zone
Girl, we know you only date tall, dark and handsome men called Tobi or Ahmad, but have you tried talking to Segun or that light-skinned guy who’s been pursuing you for months to see if he’s a good match? Sometimes, we must look outside the box to discover the best things. What you need isn’t always in that box. Try to explore and look at the bigger picture because love is an art. Allow yourself to meet more people, and you’ll be surprised by who you find.
Ground Yourself in the Present
Enjoy the process and stay in the moment. Don’t try to move it to the next level prematurely, and most importantly, LADIES, kindly do yourself a favour and refrain from obsessing and fixating on the relationship’s future. This is not to say that you shouldn’t talk about it or be with someone who does not plan to have a future with you.
Know When to Say Goodbye
Be willing to let that man go. Be ready to walk away and to say goodbye. It’s not always easy; it could be a tough decision and more complicated to implement. Still, sometimes, it’s always very much worth it. When that relationship no longer serves you, or you and your S/O are no longer on the same page, there’s nothing left to do but walk away. Sometimes, the person we want isn’t always the best match for us, and we must accept that despite the urge to hold onto them. I promise you will find your person and never have to let them go. Trust the process!
