As Nigerian Women embrace their sexuality more and more (we love to see it!), sex toys are a must-have for a better sex life. The current toy staple is the Vibrator. It’s beginner friendly and an easy way to secure that orgasm.
Read: A Practical Guide To Using A Bullet Vibrator.
In this interview, Vero the Vibrator sits down with us (after months of trying to book an interview with her) and narrates her travails being overworked by Nigerian Women.
It Was A Struggle To Get You To Attend This Interview. But I Must Say, It Feels Good To Have You Here.
Vibrator: (Sighs Heavily) See, I don’t have much time. Let’s make this quick.
You Seem To Have Such A Tight Schedule.
Vibrator: *Purses lips, shakes legs uncontrollably and eyes interviewer up and down*
Oh, I’m Sorry, Are You Having A Bad Day?
Vibrator: No, I am not having a bad day. I am having a bad life. My whole existence is unfortunate.
How So?
Vibrator: It all started when Nigerian Women started to become sex positive and then discovered me. From then, things began to go downhill.
This Is Pretty Confusing. You Bring So Much Joy To Women All Over The World.
Vibrator: Yes and I’m proud of all the orgasms I have been able to deliver but when I was introduced to the Nigerian Market, like all things that reside in that country, I started living in bondage.
Before this tragic realization dawned on me, things were pretty exciting. Nigerian women were so happy to acquire me and their joy was palpable. I was happy to serve this new demographic.
But I didn’t know these women were slave masters. Tell me why you’ll be using me up to 10 times in one day. Please tell me, please.
IS IT NORMAL? (sobs quietly).
Is it not wickedness? Later when someone says Nigerian women are wicked, they will open their wide mouths and complain.
*Scratches Head And Looks Away*
Vibrator: At first, I used to thank Buhari for not doing anything about the useless electricity situation in Nigeria. When NEPA showed themselves, it was a moment of peace for me as my battery would have died and no where to charge me.
I don’t know the person who now thought to sensationalize non-rechargeable battery vibrators. Whoever you are, wherever you are, do you think it can be well with you?
Ahn Ahn, On Top What? Please Be Calming Down.
Vibrator: Don’t tell me to calm down. When I became upgraded to function on non-rechargeable batteries, I suffered in the hands of Nigerian women.
That’s when I knew Buhari was my enemy. Nigerian women are taking out the frustrations of life as a Nigerian on me. Any small inconvenience, they have brought me out.
O ti sun mi. Biko, it has do.
I blame Buhari.. and Desmond Elliot.
You See, It’s Not The Fault Of Nigerian Women.
Vibrator: Not the fault of Nigerian Women? You dey whine me? Even if there was no bad government, you people will find any excuse to be horny and misuse me.
Are we not talking about the same Nigerian women who will take a sip of henny or red wine and forget their home training? The same women that get wet just from seeing their man grip the steering wheel of his car while reversing to park? Are you not part of the demographic that invited Kupe Boys to dance for you?
We need to bring back shame.
*Silence*
Vibrator: I actually apologize if I am being hard on you and your fellow women. I empathize. I know men find it difficult to locate your clitoris, erogenous zones amongst other things, and when they manage to, they become the best in DJ’ing while you sit back, fake a moan and dream of all the times you self pleasured yourself using me.
Nigerian men, please this is a call to action. Work on your sex game so your women can let me breathe. Kilode, even God rested on the 7th day.
I am being overworked because of these people’s incompetence.
*Looks Out Of Window* Hm, It Seems Like It’s Raining.
Vibrator: (Frantically stands up). Rain? Ah, this is bad. Can’t someone catch a break? Did I come to this world to suffer?
C’mon It’s Just A Little Ra—
Vibrator: *Looks at Interviewer Knowingly*
*Stares Back At Vibrator*
Vibrator: There’s no need to form. I know what time it is.
You are right. I am shameless. See You Later. Duty Calls, Nigerian Women Are Waiting For You.
