Valentine’s Day is coming and if you’re confused on what to purchase for your hetero boo, I totally get you. What else does he want when he already has you? However, if you want to go the extra mile on this special day for this special someone, these are 6 practical and thoughtful gifts we are very sure he will appreciate:
1/ Singlet, Boxers and Handkerchiefs:
This triple threat is more powerful than Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian. It is guaranteed to make your man go gaga once he unwraps it. Truth be told, it is such a practical gift because what man doesn’t need more underwear? It encourages good hygiene and prevents cheating (once another girl that isn’t you tries to remove the singlet and boxers you got your man, he’ll quickly remember that you are the love of his life, and abort his heartbreaking mission).
The Handkerchief is a great compliment to this gift set. It doubles as an accessory for your man when he decides to venture into cultural dancing in order to uphold his heritage if he is an enforcer of the patriarchy, or he can use it to wipe tears of joy that falls from his eyes whenever he recalls that you’re all his. If you are trying to go the extra mile, go ahead and customize his initials or your favorite picture of yourself on these pieces of clothing.
2/ A Can of Malt:
In case you’ve not gotten the memo, Malta Guinness is the new Ace The Spades. Of course there are other brands— Beta Malt, Maltina, Amstel Malta— but MG is my personal fave.
This is a luxury gift ladies, so thread with caution. You just don’t give it to any kind of man. You present a can of malt to a man who has proven himself to you.
Malt drinks give energy so packaging it as a gift signifies that you’re ready to put energy into your relationship. You can give your man this drink before you give him some V-day pussy, he’ll need all the energy he can get. If you’re in a more romantic mood, present him with a can of malt right before he orders a drink for himself at the restaurant he will take you to on Valentine’s day. It shows you’re thoughtful enough to help him save some money. As you sip on your fresh Pina Colada, he sips on the Malt you got him. So romantic.
3/ Peace of Mind:
All you girlies that come on social media to ask “What do you get a man who has everything?”
Search no more, Peace of Mind is the answer you seek, very budget friendly too.
This gift comes in various packages: one day peace of mind (only available on the 14th of February), one week package (the week of valentine) and one month package (the whole of February). No package exceeds more than one month because what man on earth deserves peace of mind all through the year? O wrong nau.
Whatever package you choose girl, it is essential you drop all your side pieces for that period. When your man does some dumb shit, use your inner voice and smile through it. Be so sweet to him that he will begin to wonder if everything is okay. Be his peace for the period you choose, you can resume driving him crazy afterwards.
4/ Your Kitty:
But only if he eats it first to your satisfaction.
This is such an exquisite timeless gift. You can tease your man by telling him you’ll get him a special box for Valentine’s day. A simple minded man will think you’re referring to the new Play Station but a true king will be anticipating your vagina.
It doesn’t matter if you give him sex every other day of the week, he knows that your vag is new every morning. If you’re in a good mood, you can even spoil him by getting a Brazilian wax.
If you’re in a good mood.
5/ Other Women:
What does your man like more than you? Other Women. Need I say more?
6/ Hunting Tools:
Sadly if you happen to date a misogynist, you can purchase some spears, arrows and bows for him so that he can resume his full duty as a MAAANNN, and start bringing back antelopes and crocodiles for you to make evening meals after his hunting session. Neck of the household, don’t search too far for these tools, I am releasing a limited edition called “My First Hunting Kit”.
But if he is a true patriarch, a real real man, head of the household. You can save yourself some money and advise him to use his bare hands for his hunting escapades.
Personally I am getting my sweet sweet boyfriend an abacus. For the rest of his days, let him count himself lucky for having me.