God did it!
You finally cut ties with that man—the one your friends staged an intervention over, the one you cried into your pillow about more times than you can count, Mr. Walking Red Flag.
Maybe he had the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon, ghosted you when you needed him most, or thought ‘acts of service’ meant showing up unannounced to “borrow” money or eat the food you just cooked without lifting a finger to help.
But with sex? Girl, he was the blueprint. The man could probably write a bestselling Kama Sutra sequel. It was as if he had GPS coordinates for every spot on your body, and his one redeeming quality was making you feel like Rihanna on tour in the bedroom.
Fast forward to now: You’re with someone new, someone you’ve always dreamed of. He listens. He plans date nights. He surprises you with flowers just because. Your mom adores him, your friends stopped side-eyeing your love life, and you’re genuinely at peace for the first time in forever. Life’s good! Or… is it?
Here’s the thing: the sex? Meh. Sure, it’s not bad, but it doesn’t have the same ‘break the bed and call in sick tomorrow’ energy for more sex. Maybe it’s the chemistry. Perhaps he’s a little smaller than what you’re used to. Or maybe it’s you—because you really like him, so why can’t your body just get with the program?
And somehow, your ex seems to know exactly what is going on, and he’s back knocking. Oh, the audacity. You’re happily moved on, yet your ex can sense your dissatisfaction like a shark smells blood in the water. He’s sliding into your DMs with “Hey, stranger” and texting late at night with “I miss us.” Is he lying? Of course. He doesn’t miss you, just the idea of you—and probably how good you made him feel in bed.
Let’s Talk About the Ex (And That Sex)
It’s not like you want your ex back. Let’s not get crazy— he made you out to be the crazy bitch and had you crying blood. But the sex? The man had you speaking in tongues and ruined you for lesser men. Even now, when he sends those “You up?” texts or randomly replies to your Instagram stories with a flame emoji, you catch yourself wondering: Am I crazy for missing it?
But you’re not crazy. It’s totally normal to have moments of longing for what your body remembers. It’s like craving junk food when you’re on a healthy diet—you know it’s bad for you, but oof, it hits the spot every time.
Then there’s your new guy. He’s sweet, thoughtful, and emotionally intelligent—the kind of man who runs you a bath after a long day and listens to your rant about work without interrupting. You connect with him on every level but one.
You find yourself frustrated after sex, not because it’s awful but because it’s just… fine. The chemistry doesn’t spark the way you hoped. He’s eager, he’s trying, but you miss that feeling. You know, the mindless, electrifying, barely-get-through-the-door-before-it-happens kind of passion. And now you’re wondering: Is it me? Why can’t I just be satisfied?
Why This Happens (And What to Do About It)
Here’s the tea: it’s not that there’s something wrong with you—or him. What you’re experiencing is the gap between what you had and what you’re building. With your ex, the passion was instant, physical, and primal. But with your new partner, it’s about connection, growth, and trust. Sometimes, those kinds of relationships take more effort to bring the heat.
Here’s what you can try:
Spice Things Up: Be open about what turns you on (yes, even the kinky stuff). Experiment together! Bring in some toys, try new positions, or maybe introduce playful role-playing to build excitement. Passion is a skill; it can be learned and relearned. And don’t forget to get creative with the environment—sometimes a new setting, like the living room, a cozy hotel room, or even the shower, can reignite the spark.
Focus on Emotional Foreplay: This is where Mr. Right has an edge over your ex. Emotional foreplay starts outside the bedroom. Build anticipation with flirty texts during the day, playful teasing, or a surprise make-out session out of nowhere. Emotional closeness can amplify physical intimacy, so make date nights a priority. Sometimes, simply spending uninterrupted quality time together can lay the foundation for better chemistry.
Address Those “Ex Flashbacks”: Every time your ex’s bedroom skills pop into your head, remind yourself of the full package he came with—because it wasn’t pretty. Stop romanticizing sex in isolation; think about the late-night arguments, the constant emotional stress, or how he ignored your needs outside the bedroom. You left for a reason.
Build Sexual Chemistry Through Communication: Sometimes, your partner might not know exactly what works for you—and that’s okay. Share your fantasies, tell him what you love, and guide him gently. Start with small compliments: “I love it when you do X; it drives me crazy.” Positive reinforcement can go a long way in boosting his confidence and getting him to explore new techniques.
Slow It Down: Sometimes, we focus so much on the end goal that we miss the beauty of the journey. Slow things down and focus on sensuality. Light candles, play your favorite music and create a vibe that makes you feel sexy and relaxed. Sensory details can transform an ordinary night into something extraordinary.
Bring in the Experts: If you’re both open to it, consider reading a book on improving your sex life together or even watching a tasteful video about intimacy techniques. You might feel awkward at first, but it can be a fun way to learn and grow as a couple.
Take Ownership of Your Pleasure: This is your reminder that your pleasure isn’t just your responsibility. Take control of your experience by guiding the process or even initiating it when you’re in the mood. Confidence is sexy, and showing him how you like to be touched can deepen your connection.
Why Size (Kind of) Matters (And What to Do About It)
Let’s tackle the elephant—or maybe the baby elephant—in the room: size. It’s not superficial or shallow to notice physical differences between partners. It’s biology, baby. Your ex might’ve been packing the full buffet while your new boo is serving more of a snack. And hey, sometimes it’s not even the actual size—it’s the energy, the rhythm, the sheer rawness of how it all comes together. With your ex, it felt like fireworks every single time. Now? Maybe it’s more like a sparkler that fizzles out too soon.
So, does size matter? Kind of. But how you use what you’ve got matters even more. Here’s some tips that can help:
Adjust Expectations (And Your Positions)
Let’s get technical. Different partners require different approaches. If your new guy isn’t as well-endowed, try positions that maximize contact and depth—like spooning or doggy style. These little shifts can make a big difference in sensation and pleasure.
Explore External Pleasure Zones
If penetration isn’t giving you the fireworks you’re used to, it’s time to explore the rest of the menu. Clitoral stimulation, sensual massages, and teasing touches can add layers to your pleasure that have nothing to do with size. Think of it as a multi-course meal instead of just one main dish.
Add Some Variety
If you’re used to a certain intensity, things might feel a little boring without it. This is where variety saves the day. Incorporate new experiences into your sex life—maybe try mutual masturbation, shower sex, or even some light bondage if that’s your thing. Newness creates excitement, which can make up for any physical differences.
Talk, Talk, Talk But Without Blame
The way you approach this conversation is crucial. Avoid saying anything that makes him feel inadequate—it’s not about size but connection. Use affirming language like, “I love being with you, and I’d love to explore ways we can make things even more exciting.” This keeps the focus on collaboration, not comparison.
Accept That Sex Can Be a Journey
Great sex isn’t always instant. Your ex might’ve set a high bar because the relationship was built purely on physical chemistry. Your new guy is different, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be amazing in its own way. Think of it as a journey rather than a destination—one that evolves with time, trust, and exploration.
Laugh It Off
Intimacy isn’t always serious business. Laugh at the awkward moments, like when you try something new and it doesn’t go as planned. Humor can diffuse tension and bring you closer as a couple.
Does size matter? Maybe a little. But emotional connection, communication, and a willingness to experiment matter so much more. Your ex might’ve had the moves, but your new guy has the heart. And with a little effort and a lot of laughs, you can rediscover passion that’s just as mind-blowing—if not more so. Plus, if you’re ever in doubt, just remind yourself why your ex stays in your DMs while your new guy is building something real with you.
And remember: the most important tool in the bedroom isn’t what’s in his pants—it’s the chemistry, effort, and love you both bring to the table. So don’t give up on the passion yet—it’s still there, waiting for both of you to discover it together.And if nothing else? A little dirty talk, some experimentation, and a lot of laughter can go a long way.
