As we grow older and become full-fledged individuals and adults, our thoughts, values, and lifestyles may no longer align with our parents, or we may simply want to stretch our legs a little. Unfortunately, a lot of the time, parents find it hard to acknowledge that their children, especially their daughters, are grown and fully able to make some decisions for themselves, especially if they still live at home.
Establishing boundaries with our parents is hardly ever easy, but sometimes it’s necessary for the relationship to grow and flourish or for us to be safe and happy. These five women tell us about their experiences creating boundaries with their parents and share advice for any women considering the same.

23-year-old Joy no longer lives at home, and she says the boundaries she’s had to set were around her body.
“My parents are both fat. Although they both did not get fat until after they got married, they are obsessed with talking about my weight and telling me to lose some. They also have very strong opinions on body modifications like piercings and tattoos. It’s really easy to just do what I want and let them complain later. I have some piercings and tattoos now and they’ve stopped complaining.
Regarding the weight thing, I had to tell them that if they ever spoke about my weight, I would end the conversation immediately. I had to do that once or twice and they’ve stopped now. They tried to say it was about concern for me, but I told them that it seemed more like a concern for other people’s reactions and perceptions of me. Now, I’m only close to my mum because she’s very good at mutual respect.”
“If I could do things differently, I think I would have tried to be firmer. Sometimes when I visit home, my dad still makes me cover up my body, especially the tattoos, and take out my piercings. I think because I gave in once, he expects this to continue.”
She advises that you be kind but also firm in taking this step in your relationship with your parents.
Dayo, 22, lives with her parents and has had to assert boundaries in their relationship.
“It was basically telling them that I’m grown, and there are certain things I can do now. For instance, having extra piercings, going out, wearing more skimpy outfits and being on a call any time of the day. Friends (male and female) can also come over. They can’t decide for me when it comes to certain things. It was hard, and they used the “you are still under our roof” line, but I was able to stand my ground. I love it here.
With the piercing, they were pissed, but my parents love me, so they got over it, and I can’t wait to get more in my nose and my navel. They’ll talk, but they can’t throw me out. That’s one thing I’m certain of. Concerning others, they just didn’t have a choice. They realised their baby girl is growing, so they just let it go.”
She says her relationship with them is very good now, and she felt great afterwards.
“We have arguments here and there about what I think about marriage and gender roles but overall, our relationship is good — better than the typical African parents dynamic. Boundaries are not hard for me to set, and they don’t know what they did, but they boosted my confidence in myself.”
Looking back, the only thing she’d have done differently is argued less and talked more.
“I should have understood that they are just like every other African parent; they don’t know what to do when their child starts enforcing boundaries.”
Her advice for anyone else trying to figure out how to create boundaries with their parents is to get their money up.
“Make money first and contribute to the house, they’ll take you seriously. I think this is one major thing that helped.”
Chika, 40, had to establish boundaries with her parents after marital separation.
“It was very contentious, and they became more toxic, especially as I had to move back home after a toxic marital separation. They were surprised and concluded that something must be wrong with me.”
Her relationship with her parents is strained now, but she feels better and empowered.
She wishes she had set boundaries with her parents earlier in life and advises anyone considering this bold step to just do it.
Bunmi, 23, lives with her parents and has had to enforce boundaries on everything from access to her phone to sleeping out after parties and hanging out with friends.
“I started slowly and increased the hours I spent out with time. And I was very honest about where I went. I didn’t give them opportunities to question me or think I was lying. I was very unapologetic about what I did and where I went. It led to several fights, especially with my mom, but in the end, it actually helped our relationship. I gist about my waka and outings, and she still judges me a little bit, but she never fails to call for my gist and laugh with me. I was the black sheep of the house for a long time. I fought with my dad all the time for like 2 years because of my dressing. I’d started wearing less and less clothing, which he hated so much. My mom still hates the late nights, but they know now that I’m going to do it anyway, so it’s not so bad.”
Her only regret is that she didn’t do it sooner.
“Do it now. You can’t allow parents to dictate your life forever. Lagos is too much fun to be that boring.”
25-year-old Amaka lives with her parents. She says,
“I have to enforce boundaries with the kinds of clothes I wear and what time I want to go out at night. Because I’m fat, I have also had to enforce boundaries about my body/weight being a topic of discussion. My parents still regress a lot, but I am very good at clearing them often. They were recalcitrant at first, but later on, I could see them changing bit by bit. They knew I wasn’t willing to accept the usual, so they had to do better.”
“Now, our relationship works. We aren’t very close, but I don’t think that can be helped because there’s a lot of history. I respect them a lot.
I felt very good after setting those boundaries but it’s a work in progress because I often have to repeat myself, but it is much more freeing than just saying nothing.”
If you’re considering asserting your boundaries at home, Amaka advises that you clear your mind and say what you can to the best of your ability.
“Don’t feel pressure to say it perfectly, just be honest, state your boundaries and remember to assert them later on.”