The stomach-churning loss of a romantic relationship, the palpable loneliness, and the grief that comes with it is something that is often spoken about, and people around you can understand. There’s also plenty of advice—and a whole studio Beyonce album— on how to heal from having your heart shattered into a million pieces by a lover. But who tells us how to move on from the pain of losing your BFF? Unlike Romantic relationships, no one ever anticipates the possibility of losing a true friend. I mean, it’s literally called Best Friend FOREVER.
Good friends are omnipresent, and that presence cuts across various parts of our lives. They are our sounding board, cheerleaders, personal clowns, teachers, and ultimately, family. I often say that the world, in general, is sad, but what makes life worth living is family and friends who colour our lives with happiness and punctuate bouts of the mundanity that come with adulthood with joy.
There are those friendships where you both naturally drift apart, and that’s easier to deal with because it is what it is, you know? The breakup had probably been long in the works before the actual end of the friendship. So, you just wake up one morning and realise that you no longer prioritise this person, even if you will always have love for them.
Then there are those friendship breakups that come literally out of nowhere, hitting you flat and unexpectedly in the face like a bus. Friendship breaks up with someone you were literally making summer vacation plans with. Friendship breakup with that person you were hahaing on the phone with not too long ago.
Your whole family knows her and cherishes her. Her pictures are probably on your Instagram. You girls were so close that everyone would ask about your “second” whenever you were out at an event. I hate that I get it. This year, I lost a friendship that was very dear to my heart, and the worst part about it was how unexpected it was.
The first thing I can say about unexpected friendship breakups is that the first stage is denial. Because as I write this, my heart still holds space for the love I lost. We even still keep Snapchat streaks—which neither of us opens. It’s hilarious because we ended on a very grim note, and we haven’t said a word to each other since then, but first to kill the streak is the fool who wants the breakup to be final, right? Am I being delulu? I would like to hear what you think in the comments section.
Oh well, I have been doing a lot of much-needed research on the best ways to move on gracefully from a friend I had fallen out with, so here are eight things you really need to know if you happen to be in the same (painful) shoes as me:
Sit With Your Feelings
Okay, so there’s a reason you guys broke up, right? It was probably a misunderstanding, and unfortunately, this time, there was no common ground to settle on or grace left to let bygones be bygones. Regardless of what led to the breakup, you are probably dealing with an emotion that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, maybe annoyance, anger, disbelief, or betrayal.
Sit with these feelings, and don’t attempt to drown the sorrows of your feelings with anything other than deep introspection because this period of your breakup is an excellent opportunity for you to understand yourself better and learn how to be better prepared for similar situations in the future.
So, in your quiet moments, analyse what caused the end of the friendship, and do this honestly, please; you gain nothing from lying to yourself, no matter how tempting and self-soothing it can be. Try to identify and understand the cause of the breakup. Where did your friend go wrong? Where did you go wrong? What role did you play in preventing things from being settled?
Are there ways you could have handled things better? You need to ask yourself these questions more than once before you can move on fully satisfied that you possess a healthy perspective on the whole situation. This will also allow you to navigate a similar situation in the future, as now you understand better how to handle the situation, preventing a friendship breakup or at least ensuring you end on a good note.
Be kind to yourself
While taking responsibility for the role you played in the breakup is essential, don’t get stuck beating yourself up about what happened. No one is perfect. All you can do is take what has happened as a lesson to do and be better. If you are the one who was hurt and ended things, don’t hold on to the past hurt; if you do that, it leaves little room for you to find peace and make new connections. I get it, once bitten, twice shy, but there’s so much love out there, it will be quite sad if you don’t give yourself a second or third chance to be appreciated properly.
Try not to obsess on the good (and not-so-good) ol‘ times.
Mindful introspection on why things ended isn’t an excuse for you to start obsessing over your past experiences with your friend. You might find that it’s easy to slip into a rabbit hole of either good or bad memories. Good is when you are desperately trying to convince yourself why you need to restore the friendship, and bad is when you are trying to demonise your friend so you can feel justified with the friendship ending.
Read More: Ending A Friendship Hurts More Than A Breakup. Here’s Why
Finding a balance is essential so that your obsession with what things were doesn’t cloud your current and true feelings about how things are right now. It’s only through this balance that you can strategically decide the best way to move forward, and it’s either one of these two: you and this person may never be friends again, or their role in your life isn’t over yet, and soon (I can’t tell when) all will be well.
Remember that it’s possible to make new friends
I know your friend was “your person,” and maybe you two joked about being together until you were 100 years old. Prior to the friendship breakup I earlier talked about, my (ex) friend would always sing tales about how much she loved me and how she could never imagine us never speaking to each other—look at life, lol.
Understand that a friendship breakup is an opportunity to explore and find other friends who speak to your soul. There are 7 billion people in this world; trust me, you can find another friend who gets and adores you completely. Shoot friendship shots, give that babe who’s been trying to get closer to you a chance, or just go out more.
Talk to someone you trust
You can unburden your heart when you speak to a loved one—preferably someone who knows how close you two were—about the friendship breakup. Aside from the fact that they might have valuable insight and a clearer outside perspective on the whole situation, you will find that speaking to them makes you feel lighter.
I speak to my sisters about my friendship breakups, and I value not only their advice on how best to navigate the situation but also their hilarious jokes, which remind me that the loss I am dealing with is not the end of the world.
Trying to get the emotional support of people for your friendship breakup is not the same as going around gossiping and painting your former bestie as a villain—yes, even if they wronged you. P rsonally, I am not a big believer of the “two wrongs don’t make a right” mantra, I believe it should be “two wrongs make it (very) right”, seriously. However, when it comes to friendships, I support the former mantra only out of respect for the sacredness of all I have shared with my ex-friend—the tears, laughter, dreams and secrets. Choose to bow out gracefully.
Take them off your social media
If you and your friend have fallen out, why do you still keep tabs on them on social media? You want to know what they are doing, who they are hanging out with, or if they are grieving just like you. Girl, there’s no need to punish yourself like that. Block them NOW for your sanity, but if you think that’s doing too much, mute them—out of sight, out of mind. Simple.
Get Busy
Seriously, especially if you spent most of your time with this babe, you must find new solo hobbies. I am emphasising solo hobbies because when you choose and learn to do certain things alone, no one’s absence can take away from the joy that activity brings.
If you are reading this and feeling stuck because of a friendship breakup, probably sulking and saying, “Oh, I want to do this activity, but I can’t because I no longer have anyone to follow me,” this is your sign to go alone and be intentional about having the best time ever. Who knows, you might even find your next bestie there.
Recognise the friendship breakup as a wonderful opportunity to allow yourself to experience new things without having a friend by your side. Focus on work and win employee of the month, or find a passion and get lost in it. See your friend’s absence as a wonderful opportunity to get closer to the woman you are—with her gone before you make decisions, you won’t need to second guess yourself and text her for input.
Friendship breakups, and even romantic ones, are always a great time to learn more about you, and the great thing about understanding who we are is that we can always count on ourselves to be there for ourselves forever.
Journal
I have found that writing down my feelings is extremely cathartic. Write down—with dates (for reference purposes)—the different stages of your emotions while you are dealing with this friendship breakup or the reason the breakup even happened in the first place. Having things written down makes it easier to grasp the best way to move on fully.
Good luck moving on, babe. It might not seem like it right now, but one day, you will wake up and realise that one person doesn’t determine your happiness. Life goes on.
