Everyone eventually learns that making friends as an adult can be hard as hell. As kids, we didn’t know how good we had it. Most of us didn’t have to put too much effort into making and keeping friends. It was so easy to do so at school because we were there five days a week, almost every week of the year, and of course, we were young, so there were no set expectations for our friendships.
However, in university and after, you have to be really intentional about making and keeping friends. We decided to ask women aged 30 and above how they met their closest friends and how they have maintained their friendships so far.
We used the information to create this guide for you. If you’re in your twenties and wondering how to make and keep friends, or if you’re 30 and above and still struggling with friendship, keep reading. Hopefully, this carefully curated guide helps!
How to Make Friends
First things first, as already mentioned, you need to be intentional as hell!
What Does Being Intentional Mean?
Being intentional means living life on purpose. Instead of sitting back and allowing things to happen to you passively, you set your sights on a specific outcome and do things to make it happen. This isn’t a hard or difficult process when you gain clarity about your motivations in leading a life you love. Living intentionally naturally coincides with creating the life you want. Both actions require lots of mental energy focused on your dreams and desires. – Marissa, Founder of A to Zen Life.
How Can You Be Intentional?
Start by clarifying your goals. You want to make a friend? Awesome! What type of friend? The type you can call whenever you need them, the one you only meet up to gossip with, a true connection with someone you hope to call a soul sister, someone to be your family, village or anything really! Just get clear on that.
Once you’re clear on your goals and intentions, you know how to move forward. You won’t entertain sub-par relationships and you won’t settle. You know what you want now, so you need to go after it like a dog racing for the last piece of meat. It’s time to put yourself out there. These friendships you want can’t come to you while you’re in your bed. Go out!
- Take classes.
- Volunteer.
- Go to the gym.
- Join a club.
- Travel and actually try to talk to people you feel even a slight pull towards.
- Try friendship apps.
- Attend workshops and seminars
More often than not, the people that attend the events you attend are people that want to be there. This means you have at least one thing in common. So swallow those nerves, buckle up and approach someone. Initiate a conversation, smile so you don’t scare them off (or don’t? just be yourself tbh), actively listen to them, follow up (exchange contacts), invite them out and don’t forget to stay positive.
Lastly, you can be as intentional as you want but sometimes the people you want to be friends with, don’t want to be friends with you and it hurts but it’s okay. Don’t give up because it was a miss with someone. Take a beat, if you need to. Pour some love into yourself and when you’re ready get back out there, your people will find you. Or you will find them. As long as you remain open to it.
How to Handle Conflict in Friendships
Communication is everything. It’s almost laughable how much can be fixed through effective communication. I’m not saying these discussions will be easy and if I’m being honest, they may even drive you apart. But difficult conversations either help heal the relationship or let you know if it’s run its course and it’s time to let go.
- We have found different ways to bury the hatchet by talking about the issue. No matter how uncomfortable it may seem, communication goes a long way in resolving conflicts. – Caroline, 35
- Through effective communication. – Jane, 35
- We had some issues where I didn’t defend her like I should have but we later talked about it and it was resolved.- Didi, 39
- We both apologized. – Abike, 32
- Talking, talking and talking! – Susan, 58
- Never ever ignore issues. ALWAYS TALK THEM OUT!!- Adebisi, 43
Key Qualities That Make a Strong and Enduring Friendship
- Compatibility.
- Good ol’ understanding.
- A whole lot of compromise.
- Caring for each other.
- Total transparency.
- Good Communication.
- Tolerance.
- Looking out for each other.
- Being friends with someone who shares the same ideology as you.
- Patience.
- Sacrifices.
How to Stay Connected As You Get Older
- Your phone is your best friend. Naturally, when you love someone you will always make time for them no matter how busy you get. If you can’t see each other because of proximity the easiest way to stay in touch is to pick up your phone – Caroline, 35
- Through phone calls of course – Jane, 35
- Call as often as you can – Ofili 35
- Constant communication and checking up – Minawo, 33
- We call, chat and visit each other – Didi, 39
- Always call and text – Abike, 32
- We make time to spend quality time together even if it’s once in a while e.g. during any of the holidays like Christmas and New Years – Yetty, 44
If You’re Wondering How to Establish and Maintain Close and Lasting Friendships:
Caroline, 35
I believe “like attracts” if that makes sense. If you exude openness, sincerity, compassion, peace, and love there is an 80% chance you will attract your kind, your person, and your soul sister. The other 20% calls for you to determine what your values are, and work with your intuition to protect your space from the energy that doesn’t match yours.
Jane, 35
Build trust and perseverance.
Ofili, 35
Understand that most times your friends need their private space and have mood swings. It’s nothing personal. Never take it to heart.
Miwano, 33
Find someone with the same goals as you so you can positively influence each other.
Didi, 39
Always remain open-minded.
Abike, 32
Give room for transparency and different outlooks on life. Also, motivate one another.
Yetty, 44
Endeavour to do to each other, what you want done to you by a true friend.
In our adult lives, friendships are the threads that bring light and meaning. There’s nothing like a friend that becomes family. This guide outlines the essence of intentionality in forging connections. It highlights the value of self-authenticity, empathetic communication, and adaptability in sustaining friendships. As we navigate life’s uncertainties, this guide encourages us to nurture our bonds with patience and forgiveness.
