“Your driver has arrived.” As a Nigerian Woman these four words have the power to make or break your day.
Although cab-hailing services are dependable, whatever is run by Nigerians will surely have k-leg. Some of these drivers will make you hate yourself for not having/using your own car, while others may not give you a cause to complain.
Never mind the cab-hailing service you are using, as a Nigerian woman, you must encounter at least one of these drivers in your lifetime.
1/ Mr. I Get Your Type For House:
These misogynistic set of drivers are quite popular. Research has shown that 10 out of 10 women will encounter at least one of these drivers in her lifetime. Apparently, while applying for the driving job, Mr I Get Your Type For House did not get the memo that he will also be driving women. Since the women in his life are at home, it comes as a great shock when he discovers that women actually go out, when instead they should be in their houses performing backbone, neck and wing duties. It infuriates him that he has to lower himself to drive us.
Now, the degree of insult you will receive from this category of drivers varies based on your age, choice of clothing, chosen destination and time the ride was ordered. Younger women tend to be easier targets for their bullying. If you are dressed in your hoe attire or something remotely revealing, Mr I Get Your Type For House will probably give you a few demeaning looks, if he has the audacity(which they usually do) or if you react to his poor service, he might call you an ashewo. Your chosen destination is a huge factor to how you’ll be treated. For the girlies going to church/mosque, the mall or a public space, you are safe. For the ones going to a lounge, club, hotel or house (especially at night), the judgement emanating from these drivers will choke you before you arrive at your destination.
Thankfully, you can easily identify Mr. I Get Your Type For House. If you call to give him directions on where to meet you, and on hearing your musical soft voice, he starts to respond rudely, you might be dealing with this type of driver. A sure sign is when you proceed to sit at the back of his car and he tells you to sit in the front. Their universal motto is: “Why are you sitting in the back? Am I your driver?”. It is okay for you to be stunned by such a useless question.
Another prominent feature of Mr. I Get Your Type For House is his refusal to take the simplest instructions from you, no matter how polite you are. You might ask him to turn on his AC or to go a certain route, and the next thing, oga don vex. He will probably call you a “small girl”, ask you if he is your mate or more commonly, remind you that he get your type for house.
After your trip, you will give him one star (or probably report him), then you will go and tell twitter about your taxi trial and tribulations.
2/ The Silent Driver:
Surely, this has to be a woman’s all time favorite driver. The only sound in his car is from his fire playlist or the GPS.
Rides with The Silent Driver is amazing, especially when you might be having a bad day. He literally does nothing memorable, he just minds his business and drives. For that, we are entirely grateful.
3/ The Flirt Monster:
The Flirt Monsters are usually younger men driving Toyota Corolla’s with AC’s that don’t blast well. When you enter into their car they are generally friendly, funny or cool.
However, portrayal of those traits is merely a mechanism they use to gauge how receptive to their audacity you as a female passenger might be. If you choose to remain professional, the flirt monsters will respect themselves and hide their true colors, but if you mistakenly smile (doesn’t matter how wide the smile is) or laugh or briefly engage in any conversation they start, these set of drivers will show themselves.
Flirt Monsters don’t see traffic lights or road safety officials. When they look at the road, all they see is your waist. During your trip, they will comment on your body features or what you are wearing, usually in what you might describe as a harmless manner so that you’ll be stuck wondering if you should change it for them or smile and be polite.
Normally, women play along with flirt monsters despite the fact that they are feeling uncomfortable. It is usually with these drivers you remember to send your live location to your girlfriends.
Some flirt monsters are more bold than others. While some will begin to ask you personal questions, others might go ahead to reach out to you after your trip. Their anthem is: “Has anyone told you that you are a beautiful girl?”
Now, Flirt Monsters have the propensity to turn to full on perverts. There have been cases where some inappropriately touched a female passenger or even whipped out their genitals to masturbate while taking a trip. These demented versions of Flirt Monsters are more common than you think.
4/ The Fatherly Figure:
These ones will make you feel safe in their car. It helps that they have the stereotypical fatherly figure good look. Their demeanor is usually calm and soothing.
During your trip with them, they will give you heart warming tales on a range of topics—their families, his daughter that reminds him of you, the price of onions or their lives back when they were younger. If you take a phone call while on the trip, they will listen ardently. Once you’re done, they will offer unsolicited advice on the conversation you had on the phone and you actually wouldn’t mind. You might even find yourself referring to this type of driver as “Sir”.
The Fatherly Figure doesn’t have a good knowledge of GPS so they keep missing the way and wasting your time. Also, sometimes they talk too damn much and can be so intrusive. So when it’s time to give them a rating, you wonder whether they deserve 5 stars or less.
5/ The Vibe:
Armed with a great stereo system, snacks in his car (for those who are not afraid of turning into yam), good air conditioner and gist for days. Chances are, you’ll ask this driver to be your regular cabman.
The drivers that belong to this category are very versatile. If you’re taking a trip to church, he’ll transform to the pope and spark relevant conversations. When you need jaiye vibes, he gotchu! He literally can be whoever you want during your trip, and that’s what makes you eager to want to ride with him again.
These drivers are a solid 5 stars. They know how to read the room and they are good with directions. Things we love to see.
6/ The Undertaker:
These set of drivers were village warriors in their former lives. The undertakers are generally quiet people, but lurking behind that calm exterior, is a hot tempered person ready to change it for you at any given time.
The terrible thing about these drivers is, you do not have to do too much to get them to start threatening to beat you up. Sometimes, it can be something as simple as asking them to follow specific directions or telling them to change the music that is playing. Other times, werey spirit enters them and they might decide they are no longer taking the trip that they used their own hands to accept. It doesn’t matter if it is midnight or if you are directly in front of a ritualist shrine, they have no value for your safety so if you complain and make no attempt to leave their car, they can actually get violent with you.
I cannot actually pinpoint if their violent behavior is linked to misogyny like Mr. I Get Your Type At Home, but evidence shows that the rogue behaviors of these drivers mostly come out while they have female passengers. Or it can be that they are just mad like that, regardless of gender.
I would love to hear about your experiences with any of these drivers in the comment section!