Growing up, I couldn’t count on Nollywood to provide me with the much needed sexual fantasies and knowledge my teenage self craved.

Sex was a taboo topic in Old Nollywood. Nigerian actors rarely ever went past a very cringe-worthy kiss and the few times they did, the sex scenes were heavily censored and honestly, off-putting.

Just remembering some moans and screams actors made in a bid to make their sex scenes more realistic is giving me serious PTSD. I don’t hold it against Old Nollywood, I understand that the purity culture back then was something else.

A curious teenager had to find a solution to this pesky problem. So I discovered not-exactly-pg-rated Hollywood movies. And girlies, I gobbled it up. We thank God that our people in the obodoyibo saw sex as it actually is — nothing to be ashamed about. I would spend hours on my laptop screen rewinding and fast forwarding Blue Lagoon, Fifty Shades of Grey, Mean Girls, American Pie, Gossip Girl, Love, Game of thrones, desperately trying to get a glimpse of two people doing IT.

After a ton of movies (and I mean a tonnnnnnn) I believed I was adequately prepared for any and every type of sexual activity — from simple gives, to a heavy make out session and then the obonge sex — Teenage me was fully ready.

You can imagine my shock when I realized that Hollywood, whom I trusted with my heart, soul and vagina, had been lying to me all this while about sex.

If you’re yet to have your first time or you’ve been navigating your sexual journey with all you’ve learnt from Hollywood, here are 4 big fat lies you need to burn in the pits of hell RIGHT NOW!

LIE #1-

It’s not great (vaginal) sex until you hit the Big O:

I hope you have a lighter ready or a fire-breathing dragon. Girls, let’s write our short movie script which I bet we have seen a thousand times: *A woman is in the cowgirl position for a pretty long time (unrelated but I don’t know any man that deserves more than 10 seconds of that position), before you know it she is moving faster and shouting “I’m gonna cum, I’m gonnaaaa…”. And then she cums, breathing pretty heavily, proceeding to talk about how she just had the best sex of her life* CUT!

Hollywood has literally brainwashed us to think that good (penetrative) intercourse must always end with orgasms. Yes babe, I know the orgasm gender gap is (unfairly) wide and I know you rightfully deserve those orgasms, but the idea that without an orgasm, the sex is trash, is stopping you from enjoying yourself.

You are so focused on the destination, you fail to appreciate the journey. Not every woman can cum all the time from vaginal sex, but I am pretty sure if you take your time to revel in the intimacy that happens before intercourse ends, you can gain more satisfaction. It also helps to explore (with consent) other forms of sex with your partner, so you both know what gets you off the best. The pressure of carrying the notion that good vaginal sex always ends with an orgasm, distracts you from the pleasure happening at that very moment.

Gentle reminder to show your partner this post so that they can stop asking “Have you cum?”, every five seconds while they are thrusting. It is distracting and will lead you into the popular theatrics of faking an orgasm. You actually can have great (vaginal) sex without cumming. Now let us say Dracarys to that big fat lie Hollywood deceived us with.

LIE #2-

Sex is always organized:

Imagine how betrayed I felt when I realized that sex is not always women in sexy lingerie. It is not always dim lights and cool music playing in the background. It is not always immaculately finishing without a drop of sweat on your body (if Hollywood wants to reduce this lie they might put a slight sheen on the actors forehead and maybe scatter their hair a little). Sex is not always lusty moans and perfect dirty talk.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that Sex can be messy. You are literally exchanging body fluids, tell me how you wan hack tidy sex. Sex is wearing mismatched underwear and not feeling bad about it. It is fucking at any time of the day, with bright lights or no light at all (because NEPA). Sex is (natural) pussy farts, guttural moans and quite terrible dirty talk. It is finishing with a lot of sweat, saliva and cum on your skin and the sheets. And do you know the best thing about this? It is perfectly normal.

LIE #3-

“Good pussy” is an everlasting wet Vagina:

My girlies are perishing because of WAP. Please dears you can assist your vagina by applying LUBE. I am yet to see a Hollywood movie where sexual partners paused during sexual intercourse to apply lube. This ignorance has led my women to wap-shame each other. You tell a babe you use lube and she first opens her eyes in horror at this revelation before beginning a speech on how Tunde from Lekki always praises her super-duper wet monster grip vagina. Unfortunately, she cannot relate. Next thing is for you to go home and start googling why your own vagina is broken.

Sis, vaginal dryness is so common and caused by many factors that it is nothing to be ashamed of. Personally, I think it is unrealistic to be wet all the time, especially after long sessions of sexual activity. Lube up to aid wetness and reduce friction. That way sex will be more pleasurable, eliminating dryness, pain or injuries while screwin your brains out. Just go with a water based lube instead of an oil-based one, it is available in most pharmacies and supermarkets. Another disclaimer because I know boys will convince you to do the ghetto-est and most raggedy thing: never use body cream or groundnut oil as a substitute for lube, abeg.

LIE #4 –

Shaving is caring:

Quick poll babes, if you shave or wax almost every time you know you are going to have a dick/vag appointment, raise your hand. Sadly, I am guilty of this too. I shave my legs, my armpits and my vagina (if the dick bearer is worth it, I will wax). I understand that sometimes we shave (especially our armpits) for hygienic purposes, to prevent excess buildup of sweat, but if we check ourselves it will dawn on us that we are just performing social constructs of femininity. Society (and Hollywood) has conditioned us women to believe that body hair is dirty and unfeminine. Meanwhile it is okay for Men to walk around looking like gorillas.

Your body hair is natural. If it was not, will it be growing on our body in the first place? Sometimes, you have to drop the shaving cream, put down that shaving stick or cancel that wax/laser hair removal appointment. It is so stressful having to obliterate all body hair whenever you want to fuck.

I will leave you to ponder upon the wise words of Rupi Kaur:

the next time he points out the hair on your legs is growing back, remind that boy your body is not his home,  he is a guest,  warn him to never outstep his welcome again.

Next time you hear any of these big fat lies, just tell them, “Shut up your mouth you detty pig”. Then refer that phenomenal curious woman to this article at the 21 Mag 🙂

I’m dying to know what lie Hollywood told you about sex that you unknowingly believed?