We’ve all had those exes, either the good, the bad or the downright ugly. The good ones linger in our memories with a tinge of ‘what if’—like the adorable, sweet one who got away perhaps because we wanted different things in life or the distance made us drift apart. Then there are the bad and the ugly – from the cheaters to the narcissists to the psychologically and physically abusive ones.
It’s clear why these relationships ended: no one should settle for a partner who mistreats them. Yet, despite the pain, despite the solid reasons for walking away, there’s this nagging sensation—an inexplicable longing.
Why, even though you know deep down they’re not right for you, do you find yourself hoping they text when they’re in town? Why, after deciding never to fall for their tricks again, do you catch yourself hovering over their social media profiles, a part of you still entangled in the ‘what are they up to now?’ Maybe you’ve even pondered accepting just one more date. Not because you believe it’ll work out, but maybe, just maybe, there’ll be a spark of the familiar warmth you once shared over a simple conversation.
You know, logically, taking them back would be a step backwards, yet emotionally, you can’t seem to sever the ties. If you’re having difficulty letting go of that ex, this is just for you.
Is it normal to miss a toxic ex?
The first thing is to understand that you are not stupid or dumb. If anyone has told you that, please forget it. Our emotions can be tricky, so do not let anyone make you feel silly or stupid because of this.
It’s frustrating knowing you shouldn’t be longing for someone who hurt you, but you still feel a strong connection to them. And no one gets it better than someone who has experienced it, so again, don’t let anyone make you feel less because of that. What you want to do is fix it, and to do that, you need to understand why you may still be hung up on your ex.
12 reasons why you can’t let go of your toxic ex and how to fix it
If you are wondering, “Do they miss me? Are they thinking about me?.” Here’s your answer: your toxic ex is not pining for you, so it’s time to let go. Here’s why you may still feel attached:
- You still see your ex in person or on social media
If you’re still seeing your ex in person or on social media, it can make it hard to let go, especially if they seem to be doing better or have moved on. While it can be tempting to check up on them, this can keep you stuck in the past. For your own peace, consider cutting digital ties.
- Block or unfollow them on social media to stop the flow of information that can hurt you. And no, once you block them, don’t start using your friend’s phone to check on them or ask mutual friends for updates about them.
- Delete their contact information to prevent yourself from reaching out during weak moments.
- Try to avoid places where you might run into them in person.
Taking these steps is not about hate; it’s about giving yourself the space to heal and move on.
- You feel lonely and don’t like being single
Feeling lonely and disliking being single can often make it harder to let go of a toxic ex. Loneliness might make you romanticise the past relationship, glossing over the bad parts because you miss having someone around. To address this:
- Spend time with friends and family who uplift you.
- Pursue hobbies and interests to fill your time, reduce feelings of loneliness, and boost your self-esteem.
- Consider professional support, like talking to a therapist, which can help you understand and manage your feelings of loneliness and build healthier relationship habits.
Also, embrace being single; it gives you the freedom to grow and understand what you truly want from a relationship when you’re ready for a new one.
- Your ex is familiar territory, and you made them the centre of your universe
It’s common to feel unsettled about moving on when you’ve made an ex the centre of your world. This can make your ex seem like familiar territory, a comfort zone that’s hard to leave because they were a significant part of your daily life. Start reshaping your daily life by introducing a new activity that interests you, such as going to the gym, finding a new hobby, or speaking to your friends more about things you would typically call them about.
- They made you believe no one would ever want you or weakened your confidence
It’s hard when someone you trusted chips away at your confidence, telling you no one else will want you. It’s like their voice gets stuck in your head, making you doubt your own worth. But here’s the thing: they’re wrong. You are enough, just as you are.
Start by recognising and challenging any negative beliefs you’ve internalised from the relationship. Surround yourself with people who affirm your worth, engage in activities that make you feel strong, and regularly remind yourself that you deserve respect and kindness. Over time, these small steps can help restore your self-belief, allowing you to move forward with renewed confidence and self-worth.
- You are idolising your ex
Remembering only the good times is a comfort trap that keeps you hanging on. It’s okay to acknowledge the happy moments, but don’t let them cloud the reasons things ended. Try this: whenever you find yourself putting your ex on a pedestal, write down what went wrong and why you’re better off now. Keep this list in your phone or tucked in your journal.
Here’s something else I have personally found helpful: journaling what I want in a partner, like qualities, traits, everything. In fact, this list will help you navigate the single life better because now you can compare guys interested in you with your expectations of what you want in a partner.
Read Also: 9 Nigerian Women On What It Means To Be Treated Well In A Relationship
Go over this list each time your ex crosses your mind. It really puts things into perspective, showing that the idolised version in your head isn’t the full story.
- You feel guilty for not “fixing” your ex
When you feel guilty for not “fixing” your ex, it can be a heavy burden. I remember dating someone who revealed he had a mental health condition just a few weeks into our relationship. At first, I felt honoured that he trusted me with something so personal, but over time, it became a reason for him to excuse every argument or hurtful action. When we finally broke up, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe I should have tried harder to “fix” him—perhaps then things would have turned out differently.
But here’s the truth: you’re not responsible for fixing someone else’s issues, especially when it comes at the expense of your own well-being. Relationships aren’t about saving someone; they’re about growing together. When you take on the role of “fixer,” you end up neglecting your own needs and often get stuck in a cycle of guilt, feeling like you failed them somehow.
If you feel guilty, remember that each person is responsible for their own healing. You can offer support, but real change has to come from within. Letting go of this guilt allows you to focus on your own healing and growth rather than being weighed down by someone else’s problems.
- You are holding on to the pain
You might be keeping yourself in a cycle of pain if, deep down, you believe that you somehow deserve to suffer. This mindset can stem from unresolved issues, like past breakups where you blamed yourself or feeling guilty for the relationship’s end. In some cases, you may fear that if you let go of the pain or resentment, you’ll be letting go of the relationship entirely, almost as if holding onto the suffering keeps some part of it alive. But this kind of self-imposed suffering only complicates and prolongs the healing process.
Treating yourself with compassion is vital to breaking this cycle. A breakup is already challenging, so being your worst critic only worsens it. Instead, try focusing on self-care and forgiveness. Remember, suffering doesn’t serve you or bring anything back; it only deepens the hurt. Showing yourself kindness can help you move forward with the peace and strength you deserve.
- You put too much energy into the relationship
Putting too much energy into a relationship can leave you feeling drained and empty when it ends. You might have devoted your time and emotions and even compromised your own needs in an effort to make things work. This level of investment often leads to an emotional imbalance, where you feel you’ve lost a significant part of yourself, making it harder to let go when the relationship is over. You may find yourself replaying memories, thinking about what you could have done differently, or feeling like you’ve sacrificed too much of yourself.
It’s essential to shift that energy back toward yourself. Reflect on the parts of you that were neglected during the relationship and invest in rebuilding them. Redirecting your energy to self-growth can help you regain a sense of wholeness, making it easier to close the chapter and move forward.
- You want closure, or you’re still trying to figure out what happened
When my relationship ended about a year ago, I spent the next few months in confusion, replaying everything in my mind. I kept asking myself, How did that one issue become so big? What could I have done differently? And every time someone asked me why we broke up, I’d stumble over my words because, honestly, I didn’t fully understand it myself.
That lack of clarity kept me in a loop. Because I couldn’t make sense of it, I kept replaying every detail in my head, hoping I’d eventually understand what happened. But all that really did was keep me tied to him, letting him occupy my thoughts and emotions long after things had ended.
Closure is one of those things we often feel we need after a breakup. It’s natural to want a clear reason, a conversation, or one last meeting to wrap things up and ease the pain. But the truth? Closure is often overrated, and it can actually keep you emotionally tied to your ex, making it harder to move on.
When you seek closure, especially by meeting up or talking things through, you’re reopening a door that might be better left shut. You give your ex the opportunity to get back into your head and influence your thoughts and emotions all over again. You may hope for clarity, but in reality, these meetings often lead to more confusion, mixed signals, or even reignited feelings. Instead of resolving things, you end up replaying these interactions, holding onto hope or pain that keeps you stuck in the past.
If you’re stuck in that same cycle, it’s okay. Sometimes, we don’t get the closure or clarity we want, but moving on is the healthiest path. Accepting that you may not get the answers you want frees you from constantly looking back and opens up the possibility of focusing on yourself. Redirecting the energy you’d use to seek closure toward healing and self-discovery can be incredibly empowering.
- You miss the drama
Sometimes, what you miss isn’t the person or the relationship—it’s the drama that comes with it. It may sound strange, but the emotional highs and lows of a turbulent relationship can be addictive. When you’re used to arguments, sudden apologies, and constant ups and downs, a calm life without that drama might feel empty or even boring. The emotional rollercoaster gave you adrenaline, something to react to, and it kept you emotionally hooked, even if it was exhausting.
In fact, when you’re used to drama, peacefulness can feel almost unsettling. It’s easy to confuse the intensity of those feelings with love or passion, but real love isn’t about constant chaos. Missing the drama doesn’t mean you want that relationship back—it just means you’re adjusting to a different pace of life.
- You’re still mourning what could have been or haven’t fully grieved the relationship
Sometimes, the hardest part of moving on is letting go of the future you imagined with them. You might find yourself mourning not just the relationship but the version of life you thought you’d have together—the dreams, the plans, the “what could have been.” When these hopes vanish, it can feel like you’re grieving a loss beyond just the breakup itself. The relationship becomes a mixture of memories and missed possibilities, and it’s natural to feel sadness or even anger for losing something you were so invested in.
It’s also possible that you haven’t fully allowed yourself to grieve the relationship. Maybe you’ve been busy or distracted, or perhaps you’ve been avoiding the pain altogether. Skipping this grieving process can keep you emotionally tied to your ex, as unprocessed feelings often linger until we face them head-on.
Allow yourself to feel and process these emotions. Give yourself the space to acknowledge what you lost in terms of the relationship and the future you imagined. Journaling, talking with a friend, or even just sitting quietly with your feelings can help you release these attachments. Once you’ve truly grieved, it becomes easier to let go of “what could have been” and open yourself up to new possibilities.
- You lost track of your identity in the relationship
One of the things people rarely talk about in relationships, especially long-term or toxic ones, is how easy it is to lose yourself. Over time, you might start adjusting parts of yourself to fit with your partner’s preferences, sometimes without even realising it. You change little things—your fashion choices, your hobbies, even your opinions—until, bit by bit, your identity becomes blurred. By the end, it can be hard to tell where you end and where the version of you tailored to them begins.
When the relationship ends, this loss of identity can leave you feeling adrift. You might find yourself questioning whether your likes and dislikes are genuinely yours or just habits shaped by someone else. It’s disorienting and painful, and it can make moving on more challenging because you’re not just grieving the relationship—you’re also trying to rediscover yourself.
To start your journey to self-discovery, explore what genuinely makes you happy. Try new activities, revisit old interests, and allow yourself the freedom to make choices purely for yourself. This journey back to your true self is a gradual process, but it’s essential for reclaiming your confidence and independence. Over time, you’ll find clarity and reconnect with the authentic parts of you that got lost along the way.
Will I ever be the same after what my ex did to me?
Stepping out of a toxic relationship changes you, but that’s not always a bad thing. Yes, change can be difficult, but it’s also a chance to grow, heal, and become someone even stronger. Embrace this period as a transformation, a time to reconnect with your true self and come out on the other side with clarity, peace, and confidence in your newfound independence. Also, make a conscious decision not to advertise to him—or anyone—that you miss him. This isn’t about hiding your feelings; it’s about focusing on your journey, not his.
Treat yourself to outings with friends, try something new, or take a self-discovery journey; just ensure you are doing something for yourself.
