Chances are you’ve met her before, and she probably gave you a huge ick. She’s the pick-me girl. The girl that is “not like other girls”—she’s different. She doesn’t even really like other girls—she doesn’t miss any opportunity to remind us all how female friendships are ‘fake’. She desperately wants to be one of the boys. She uses terms like ‘slay queen’ and ‘baddie’ derogatorily.
In fact, on the internet, unprovoked and to the detriment of women, she presents herself in a false way to gain the attention of men. You will catch her perpetuating notions and ideals that primarily benefit men and harms women. She isn’t just someone with traditionally masculine likes and dislikes—she’s someone whose intentions are to centre men in her decision-making process.
When she’s around men, she curates her entire personality to cater to their gaze and achieve her ultimate goal—to be deemed worthy by men and picked by one of them.
The whole concept of the pick-me girl is based on seeking male validation. It stems from internalized misogyny, gender stereotypes, sexism, and low self-esteem nurtured systematically by the patriarchy.
Sadly, the world is littered with many women who seek male validation to scary extents. While some pick-me behaviors are seemingly harmless and light (think: “I can’t imagine spending so much time doing my makeup. How pathetic. Natural beauty is better”), others are downright dangerous (think: joining a group of men to say “If she didn’t want to get assaulted why did she sleep over in his house?”) There is a common factor in the comments and actions of the pick-me girl: a significant number of men will be present, not only to validate her comment (because one thing about men is that they will always bolster whatever benefits them regardless of how badly it may affect women), but also to praise the specific brand of woman the pick-me is.
The pick-me is patriarchy’s ideal woman—a doormat to men and a warrior to women who refuse to tow the same path as her. To many men, the pick-me’s comments/actions make her worthy of being awarded the ultimate prize in patriarchy: marriage.
However, in reality, men rarely want the pick-me girl. But I digress.
On the internet, once you see a woman stand defensively for something that makes you think, “Girl, why won’t you be on your own side? Where is your sense of self-preservation?”, you have most likely come across a pick-me. If she smells like a pick-me, looks like a pick-me, or moves like a pick-me, she’s most likely a pick-me. Here are the top traits of a pick-me girl:
1. She Insists That Female Friendships Are Fake
While I admit that not every woman will have a group of close girlfriends, the pick-me girl is particularly averse to female friendships. Instead, she prefers keeping boys as friends and swears that male friendships are more fulfilling than female ones.
This is not to say that there aren’t women who have had legitimately awful relationships with other women, but when you inquire into how the pick-me arrived at her conclusion on female friendships, you realise that she is the problem. When she constantly criticises classically ‘feminine’ things like the colour pink, fashion, makeup, etc.; when she feeds into demeaning stereotypes about women—for instance, women are gossips; when she slut-shames other girls as a signal that she’s more virtuous; when she throws her friends under the bus to please a man who does not give two shits about her, which right-thinking woman will want to be around her?
The pick-me doesn’t have genuine female friends because she prefers male friendships; it’s because she can hardly find any woman who can stand her catty, bad and often dangerous character.
2. She Talks Negatively About Other Women in Front of Men
Can you think of that one girl who has a brand new personality when men come around? All of a sudden, she’s boo boo the clown, and she wants to make the boys laugh at the expense of your feelings? That’s a classic pick-me trait.
Pick-me girls are in a one-sided competition with other girls. Because of their intense desire to appear more desirable to men, they actively work towards putting other girls/women down, so that they can take the spotlight and shine.
The thing is, this behavior can get sinister real quick. It can go from just ’mere’ negative comments about women to actual actions that put women at risk. This brings us to the next point.
3. She Consciously or Subconsciously Adapts Her Personality to Appeal to the Male Gaze
Men often exhibit behaviors that harm and belittle women on a daily basis. As a woman, you generally stay alert and cautious around men. Now, imagine thinking you’re in a safe space because another woman is present, only to discover that she is a pick-me who adapts her personality to align with men to feel like “one of the boys.” This woman, who appears to be an ally, is actually working against you.
The pick-me woman supports and engages in actions you would typically expect from selfish and malicious men.
How scary is that?
Many problems women face at the hands of men are also due to women who condone and coddle them and their predatory or abusive behavior. Their love for men compromises their moral integrity, and they are not afraid to put those close to them in danger for a man.
Men-obsessed women are legitimately dangerous. The woman who is helping men spike her friend’s drinks so she can be assaulted is a pick-me. The woman that is spilling her friend’s secret to men to gain points in their good books, is a pick-me. The woman you thought you could report an assault incident to, who ended up blaming and shaming you, is a pick-me—I need the older generation of Nigerian women to catch this sub.
4. She Tries to Let Everyone Know That She’s ‘Different’ From Other Girls
One thing about a pick-me is that she physically cannot have a personality without making it in (negative) comparison with other girls. Trust that the pick-me will insert variations of “I’m not like other girls” whenever she talks about her hobbies and interests.
While a non-pick-me girl may say “I’m so bad at makeup so I never wear it/ Hers looks great though, but makeup isn’t for me”, the pick-me girl will say something along the lines of “Natural beauty is the best that’s why I don’t like wearing makeup. All these girls that can’t do without makeup, I wish boys would take them swimming for the first date so they know how they are being deceived”.
Like, girl, why can’t you mind your business? Must you put other women down to prove your point?
Online, you can spot a pick-me in a gathering of feminists who are debating for better life conditions for women. She will be there, ready to fight for men’s rights (as if they don’t already systematically have an edge over us). For instance, when some women espouse equal partnerships in heterosexual marriages, the pick-me will be present to remind us that her hypothetical man (if she hasn’t been picked yet) will be the head, while she will be joyous to be the neck of the relationship.
Although some women with misogynistic worldviews are just products of the patriarchal society that raised us (because the truth is, we (women) all battle with varying extents of internalised misogyny), pick-me women want other women, by force, to throw away their sense of self-preservation, in favour of men. So, she isn’t content with just being the neck and the wings; she needs to shove her worldview down the throats of women. The pick-me is relentless in her ways because she is convinced that she is right, moral, and fair by looking out for the opposite sex.
Meanwhile, it’s just sanctimonious bullshit.
5. In Romantic Relationships With Men, She is a Doormat and Treats Her Partner Like a ‘God’
“Pick me, choose me, love me”. This iconic grey anatomy line is the mantra of the pick-me girl, with the addition of a silent “no matter what it might cost me”.
The pick-me girl is desperate to be chosen by a man, and when chosen, she is even more desperate to maintain her position. So, she is forever ready to neglect or betray herself, her well-being, and the well-being of others to please her man and sustain her romantic relationship with him.
Once in a while, we may all exhibit pick-me traits. But once it becomes consistent? Please check yourself, quickly! It takes intentional work to shrug off behaviors and perceptions learned from a society that hammers into our skulls in various ways that men are the prize. But on the other side of unlearning misogyny and relearning how to be more attuned to your own wants, needs, and desires, women can lead authentic lives, avoid catering to the male gaze, and begin dismantling the patriarchy in their everyday lives, rather than sustaining it.
Essentially, be true to yourself and respect others while they do the same. There is no need to criticize other women for liking what they like. Stop presenting yourself in a false way for attention from men. Stop putting other women down. History has taught us enough already: as a woman, when push comes to shove and the many heartbreaking realities of women all over the world hit close to home, it is women, not men, that will save you.
