What does your favourite alcoholic beverage say about you? If you think it says nothing, then boy, do I have news for you. You may not know this, but everyone is silently judging you by the alcohol you favour. They’re pointing and whispering behind your back at functions and saying things like, “Omg look at what she’s drinking; she must be going through hard times.”
All alcohol treads the fine line between being the best thing you’ve ever ingested and sheer poison, so in a bid to help you choose right, here’s what we think your favourite alcoholic beverage says about you.
The only people who drink whiskey are rich middle-aged people and 30+ men who wear skinny jeans and try to feel hip at functions, no in between. They ask “Where do you base” with a cup of whiskey and coke in hand while they sway from side to side to Zinoleesky and say things like “Wow omo yen ni talent gan”, leaning in too close to you and blasting you with their boozy breath. If you’re in the rich people category, then by all means, enjoy. Otherwise, please choose a better drink. Alcohol tastes bad, yes, but this is especially horrible. As a woman, if you drink whiskey, ask yourself, why? What am I doing wrong?
Vodka is for people who take “all roads lead to Rome” very seriously. The journey does not matter to them, they just want to be drunk, and fast. An undergraduate’s drink of choice, especially the abominable chocolate variant, it is the perfect drink to swig hurriedly with your friends in the car park before a school party. As a working person, if this is your go-to drink, some serious introspection may be needed.
Are you going through trials and tribulations? Looking to forget your woes? Look no further — this is the drink for you. If you think you’re sad, just wait, gin will take you to new levels. Nobody looking to have a fun time drinks gin; it is for people looking to drown their sorrows. You drink gin and start theorising, “You know, in life, only suffering and death are certain,” et al. If gin is your drink of choice, I’m sorry; I can only hope you get through whatever it is you’re going through.
Tequila drinkers like to have fun and are lowkey crazy. As a tequila girlie, you drink to get blackout drunk and meet new people that you’ll probably forget in the morning. But a true tequila girl knows how to handle her liquor. You enjoy alcohol that is straight to the point because you’re an adventurous babe who knows how to party and have a good time. You love being the centre of attention and your friends love how much you know how to have a good time.
You’re either a bus driver, an agbero, a police officer, or you’re a rarity, like a man I saw one day in full work attire, pouring erujeje into Hollandia milk by 8 am on a Tuesday morning. You’re the embodiment of tough times don’t last; tough people do. In the face of the struggle of Lagos living, you have chosen to emulate those who own and run the jungle. You have looked into the eyes of a danfo driver or a conductor, and you’ve seen something in them, the thing that propels them through the day and that fuels their madness. You have stared the beast in the eye and have chosen to straddle its back. You’re brave but also definitely unhinged. You’re only one step away from buying one of those agbo mixes from the women who hawk them, and I wish you nothing but the best.
Wine and Beer:
Wine is the most dignified alcoholic beverage and wine drunk is the best kind of drunk to be. Picture silk robes, dancing around in your apartment en route to making questionable choices that you’ll blush at the thought of the next day. It is the perfect drink for R&R and a happy, flirty buzz. It is also the least horrible-tasting alcohol variant and will leave you giggly and with an appreciation for life. Red wine is a key ingredient for romanticising your life and with a variety of types to pick from; pinot noir, merlot, cabernet sauvignon, the world is your oyster. It is a sexy drink for sexy people. As a Red Wine girlie, you are confident, sassy and you love to feel elegant/classy. Drinking red wine makes you feel a warm, cozy, relaxed kind of drunk and makes you a joy to be around. As a White Wine girlie, you’re a social butterfly and there are many sides to you; sometimes you’re sweet, wild or even mean, if anyone crosses you. You love the taste of white wine and you’ve likely always been a wine girl. Overall, wine drinkers are doing it right — great journey, excellent destination.
Beer is the drink of champions. There is a common misconception that it’s for men to drink while they fight over sports shortly before they pass out in the street, but, hear me out, apart from wine, it’s the ultimate hot girl drink. Firstly, it’s not liquor, so if you have stomach problems (as most hot girls do), it won’t have you bent over the toilet bowl afterwards. Also, it’s essentially a fizzy drink. Crisp and yummy when cold and a light, plus a floaty buzz? It’s literally perfect. If beer is your favourite alcohol, you’re fun, know how to have a good time, and you make your own rules and move at your own pace.
Do you like to celebrate life’s victories, big or small? Then this is your drink. Champagne is a dignified drink for dignified people looking to have fun without their backs ramrod straight for once. It’s the kind of alcohol you drink with your pinky up and it’ll put you in a bubbly mood, just like the drink. It’ll have you slurring your words, giggling, making inappropriate jokes, tripping over your feet and dropping your phone a hundred times, grip gone with the wind. On the plus side, you’ll wake up feeling great or at least normal, with a broken screen and lapses in memory about possible embarrassment, but loads of fun. You’ll do it again though, because you believe that life is to be celebrated, viva la vida!
Margarita drinkers have and will always be Margarita drinkers. You try to order something different every time you go out, but you somehow always end up ordering the same thing. Margaritas are a personality boost and will transform you into the most charming version of yourself. If this is your favourite drink then you’re likely laid-back and chill. It’s a delicious drink; super sweet and a little tangy, so it’s a great way to get drunk without even being aware that you’re getting drunk. The problem is, before you catch yourself, you’ll probably already be too far gone. Good luck, you’ll feel the urge to pee every five seconds, but you’ll have an excellent time.
The Classic Martini
For those who savor the timeless elegance of a classic martini, you exude sophistication and refinement. This drink has stood the test of time and is to be enjoyed slowly, not rushed, shaken or stirred. Sure, it’s just gin with a twist, but said twist elevates the drink and the experience. If you like this drink, you believe in tradition and honor the classics. You appreciate artistry and the craftmanship behind every detail. Simple but also, somehow, fancy.
The Pornstar Martini
If you find yourself drawn to the vibrant and seductive pornstar martini, you’re likely a social butterfly with a flair for extravagance. You like to party, and hard. You’re the life of the party and this is likely just one of the many drinks on your roster for the night. Before the party ends, you’ll have made 50 friends and you’ll be dancing on tables barefoot.
Mojitos are a mix of fresh lime juice, mint leaves and a dash of rum, the perfect summer drink; delicious and refreshing. It’s a flirty drink and transports you to a day in the sun, on the beach. Depending on the rum content, you can drink a few cups before you realise that you’re drinking rum and are therefore, f-cked. If this is your drink of choice, you have stubborn tendencies but overall, you value a relaxed, good time.
Long Island Iced Tea
You love the taste of alcohol, there’s no argument there. If this is your drink of choice, you’ve either had a rough day or you’re looking to get sloppy drunk (FAST!) so your bae can blow your back out. Because what other reason is there to order this? The Long Island Iced Tea is a mix of tequila, gin, vodka, rum, and triple sec, with just a splash of lemon juice and coke, meaning it’s comprised (almost) entirely of alcohol. It really is an express train to intoxication. Please be better than the Long Island Iced Tea.
From this short list, we hope we have been able to inspire you to make better decisions. Next time you find yourself reaching for a drink, remember this article and maybe reconsider. Okay really, don’t take us too seriously. Some people drink vodka because they like the taste and some people drink sachet alcohol because it’s cheap. Have fun and love what you love!