Picture this; you meet someone- great first date. You continue to see them and develop a relationship- getting to know and starting to like one another. Then boom, one day, you discover he calls his pastor daddy, is a rape apologist or wears the same pair of underwear throughout the week.
We all have things we absolutely wouldn’t tolerate in our relationships; casual or otherwise. Mental (or notes app) lists of our dealbreakers, non-negotiables, hard no’s and icks. In the same way, we know what traits we like in people and what we look for in relationships, we know what we definitely do not want and can not stand.
These women share what their relationship dealbreakers are, and if they’ve ever ended a relationship because of any of these hard lines or icks;
Grace, 22
My relationship dealbreakers are homophobia, misogyny, unkindness, very poor communication, and persistent passive aggression. I was dating a man who didn’t communicate well and was almost always passive-aggressive when he was upset about something. It was very frustrating. Times when I’d want to get to the crux of a problem would be met with indifference, and it really angered me. At a point, I couldn’t carry on with the relationship anymore. All the things mentioned above, plus the fact that he was a rape apologist and would constantly gaslight me when we talked about feminism and sexual assault just proved too much for me to bear.
Another time, I went to see the movie, ‘Don’t Worry Darling’, with a man I was very seriously considering getting into a relationship with. While we were watching, I muttered “men” under my breath (for context, the movie is basically about men non-consensually enrolling their female partners in a program that alters their existence and gaslighting them), and this man turns to me and starts a “not all men” spiel. I was so disgusted, it rolled back all the feelings I had developed for him and I broke things off.
Em, 25
I hate lies. My ex, we’ll call him Y, cheated on me, and I found out, but he didn’t know. I confronted him about it, willing to let it go if he said the truth because, for me, cheating isn’t a dealbreaker. He lied to my face until I brought out evidence, and he started stuttering. And oh, I also found out he lied about his age to get with me. These two lies were enough reasons to make me end it.
My absolute ick is when people act like fools. It’s one thing to be goofy once in a while, it’s another thing to ALWAYS act like a fool, and I’ve ended a casual relationship over it. I started seeing this guy, and it was all good. We’ll do video calls and he’ll make silly voices and do the whole baby voice thing, which honestly, I didn’t have an issue with since it was once in a while, and what’s life without a little silliness? But it became too much, every video call, every snap he sent, every voice note, always acting like a fool and being overly silly. I got the ick immediately and ended it. ( I didn’t tell him the real reason though).
Taiwo, 23
When I was still an undergraduate, I dated this person, and it was a six-month relationship. She was a born-again Christian. She was also a student fellowship leader. When we met, she knew I was an atheist, but I used to follow her to church… she was my everything then.
After six months of dating, she called me to say she had been living in darkness for the past six months, I was from the pit of hell and I was sent to destroy God’s glorious plan for her life. She gave her pastor the phone to cast and bind me. There had been no fight or argument during our six-month relationship. So now, the god factor is a dealbreaker for me.
My ultimate icks are going to the bathroom barefoot, flirting with other people, homophobia, religiousness, and dirty fingernails.
Gbemi, 22
A dealbreaker for me is men who aren’t wholly single (i.e. men who have wives/situationships/partners/entanglements/girlfriends). I’ve ended three situationships because of this, but the most recent one is this Lagos man that I had a situationship with for more than a year. We’d been friends & liked each other for four years. I found out through TikTok that he had a girlfriend and they’d been together for more than 7 years and even live together. I asked him thrice if he had a girl, but he denied her. I really liked (& still like) this person, but I did what I had to do & ended things. I even drafted a long message that’s sitting in my notes, apologising to her for not knowing he was her man.
I also hate when men talk too much, lie unnecessarily, or have bad dentition.
Lara, 27
My dealbreaker in any relationship is bad sex, I can’t overlook it. And unfortunately, many men are bad at sex. I’ve definitely ended relationships for that reason, and that’s also why I have sex on the first or second link, so I can know what I’m dealing with before it goes any further.
My icks are endless, and anything can irritate me about a person. I once ghosted a guy because he threatened me with pregnancy THE FIRST DAY I ever spoke to him. Another time, I stopped speaking to a man because he invited me to his house and then didn’t give me food. I was so angry because I was hungry, and if I’d stayed in my house, I’d have eaten my fill. I mean, how do you invite someone over and then make no plans for food???
I don’t give men grace; any small weirdness or misbehaviour, and I’m out.
Konyin, 20
Dancing on TikTok, having an opinion about everything, texting with abbreviations —all hard no’s. A dealbreaker would be cheating on me with the same person more than once. I also once ended a friendship because he didn’t speak up when his friends made rape jokes and was straight-up homophobic right in my front for like 30 minutes straight.
