Queeries is a new monthly segment written by our LGBTQ+ writers, contributors and community. From your personal stories to your opinion pieces, every month we want to hear all your queeries about life, love and everything in-between, because our goal for this new series is to tell stories through the lens of today’s Nigerian/African LGBT community.
In this article, *Nash from Cameroon who is in a lesbian relationship, opens up about how she recently found out that her girlfriend who she’s been dating for two years, has secretly been in a relationship with someone else. She talks about how she’s kept it a secret till date, because of how afraid she is of confronting her partner, and how she hasn’t been able to move on or heal from the situation. Read our contributing writer, Chiamaka’s advice below.
Two years ago I got into a relationship with this girl I had been admiring. Trust me when I say that it took me a lot to get the courage to ask her out, but I did. It wasn’t easy getting her to love me but then I did my best to make her know how much I loved her, just so she could see how pure my intentions were until she finally said yes and we officially started dating.
I was fully aware that I was the only one she was exclusively dating at the time because that’s what she made me believe and understand. She was always talking about how she couldn’t double date and all that, but little did I know that the guy she told me not to worry about had been visiting her countless times, and I knew absolutely nothing about it then because I didn’t worry about him.
So on this particular Friday, I went out with my friends and we went drinking and later on decided to play a fun game of truth or dare to keep the night going. While we were playing, a friend of mine dared me to kiss her and record it which I did, but then it skipped my mind and I forgot to delete the video on my phone and my girlfriend eventually saw it and got so angry. I know it was wrong and that I technically cheated, but to me it was just a harmless game. It took me 3 months to convince her it was just a game and for her to forgive me, but even after this she kept on acting strange towards me and started treating me badly, but I didn’t give up on the relationship. I kept on blaming myself for everything no matter how badly she treated me. I blamed myself for her actions until I couldn’t put up with it anymore, so eventually I had to end it.
We spent 4 months apart and without speaking to each other until one day she wrote me asking if we could meet to talk. I seriously didn’t want to meet up with her because I knew seeing her was going to make me melt and make me fall in love with her all over again, but she insisted so I agreed. When we both met up, she was begging me to forgive her for everything she did to me and I quickly did because like I said, she makes me go weak at the knees, and honestly I could never get over her. Sometimes it even feels like I can’t live without loving her so yeah, we got back together.
Just recently, I saw one of my contacts posting my girlfriend and her “boyfriend” celebrating their 2 year anniversary together. Bear in mind that we’ve been dating for 2 years as well, meaning that this whole time she’s had someone else.
I’m still shocked and in so much pain because I really can’t believe that she would do this to me. But stupid me, I haven’t even had the conversation with her or made it known to her that I know she’s in a whole other relationship because I’m scared it might make her leave me and honestly, I’m so depressed because it literally feels like my heart is in pieces.
I try so hard to smile and be happy around her but another part of me wants to hurt her so badly. I’m truly hurt and confused on what to do because to be honest, I still love her even at this point.
Reading your story has me in pieces because as an outsider, I see the red flags that I couldn’t even begin to see myself in my own romantic attachments. You talk about how it was not easy getting her to love you. It sounds like from the beginning, there was already a severe imbalance in your connection. Thus, a cycle began right then.
Also, the truth or dare kiss was not an excuse for your partner to treat you badly. An effective solution would’ve been to end the relationship if she could not cope with the problem, which you both did eventually.
Now, you are faced with a dilemma of knowing your partner has been seeing another person for the entirety of the relationship you both shared together. What I am getting here is that this connection is an incredibly toxic one, for many reasons. And yes as humans, it is normal for us to crave, miss and even seek out toxic relationships. I can see that some healing needs to take place for you to truly move on from this partnership. Although it might not happen in one day, I believe you need to confront this person, severe ties and then go inward to truly look after yourself. If not, you will get hurt even more in the end and find yourself ignoring more and more evidences of disrespect.
I really hope this helps.
All my love, Chiamaka.
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