Real AF is a 21 Mag candid series delving into the profound experiences of African women, covering real topics that shape their lives. Because, in truth, we all have stories to tell.
Trigger warning: This article addresses issues related to sexual abuse, coercion and rape.
In this article, we spoke with Angel, a 21-year-old woman who realised that her boyfriend at 17 essentially groomed her. In this interview, she narrates how they met and what he did to her that falls under the ‘grooming umbrella’. She also shares how he’s trying to get her back in his life. She misses him, and some parts of her feel like no one knows her quite like him, but she cannot ignore what she is now fully aware of.
Hi Angel. Thank you for trusting me with your story. It’s a heavy one. You shared that you’ve had bad experiences with men all your life. Let’s start with the bus driver, school teacher and your cousin;
What Were Your Experiences With Each of Them?
I’ll explain individually.
Bus Driver
I was 11 and in secondary school. My school had its nursery, primary and secondary schools in the same location. I was a day student, and my dad used to drive me to school every day and back. When I turned 12, my school moved the secondary school to a new location, which was extremely far from my house, so I started following the bus. After school, I’d rush onto the bus to sit in the front because it had a really nice view of the road, and I was naturally curious. The first time the driver caressed my thigh was one of the days I was in the front seat. He was trying to change the gear, so I felt like it was an accident. Another day, it occurred again, and the third time, he placed his hand on my thighs. I was too scared to do anything. The following day, I stopped sitting in front of the bus and started sitting at the back instead. He would try looking for me, but I would hide. I ended up changing schools because my dad wasn’t comfortable with the distance.
High School Teacher
After changing schools, everything was fine until I entered senior secondary. I was 13 or 14 at the time. We had a form teacher who was married with a kid. I used to hear stories about him and his students, but I never paid attention because I wasn’t one to listen to gossip. One day, I didn’t have class, and I was told he was calling me to the lab, where he spent much of his time. I went in there and was asked to sit, which I did. He then proceeded to tell me about how he knew of my relationship with a boy in my class and how he’d tell my parents about it. As a 13-year-old girl, the thought was terrifying. I felt I’d be beaten by my parents, and I couldn’t handle their disappointment if they found out.
He asked if my boyfriend and I had kissed, and I told him we had. He then told me to kiss him, or he’d report me to my parents. I refused, and he took me to the back of the room and forcefully kissed me. Thankfully, my math class was going on at the time, and I was usually a punctual student, so my math teacher noticed my absence and sent someone to call me. Until today, I’m thankful he did that because I don’t know what would have happened otherwise. I told my then-boyfriend about what had happened, and he boldly confronted my teacher. He (the teacher) later called me secretly and told me that if I mentioned it to anyone else again, he’d report me to school management, and they’d believe him because he was a teacher. I went home, wept and came clean to my mom about my relationship so I wouldn’t be blackmailed again.
Cousin
I sometimes spent the holidays at my aunt’s house. At the time, she had an older son, about 17 years old, and I was 13 or so. We got along so well. One holiday season, he came to my house, and we hung out a lot and played games together, but all that stopped when, one day, he started caressing my thighs. I ended up distancing myself from him, and when he returned home, I blocked him on all social media platforms.
I’m so sorry you experienced all of that. It is an unfortunate reality that too many young women know all too well.
Let’s talk about the man you had a situationship with;
How Old Were the Two of You When You First Met?
I was 17, and he told me he was 22, but in November 2023, I found out he was 23.
How Did You Meet?
He’s my senior school colleague and a friend of my neighbour, Ian*. Ian told me he wanted to meet me, so he introduced me when I went over to his to study at night one day.
When and How Did the Situationship Start?
The next day after we met, he started calling me a lot. He would also text and visit me daily for about a week or so. At the end of that week, he told me he liked me, and I liked him too, so that was it. After everything ended, I discovered he was already in a relationship when we started talking.
Did You Enjoy Being in a Relationship With Him?
Yes, I did.
When Did You Start Trying to Break It Off? Why?
He left me, actually. After six months, he mentioned he was in love with someone else(his ex), returned a few days later, and then left again. At that point, I was still very much in love with him. I only realized the gravity of my situation years later. He’s back once again, claiming he wants us to get together, but now I just see a lot I can’t ignore about him.
Why and How Do You Feel You Were Groomed?
Grooming is when a person builds a relationship with a child, young person or an adult who is at risk so they can abuse them and manipulate them into doing things. Firstly, I had mentioned earlier how he lied about his age. I confronted him about it, and he said, “he probably made a mistake, ” which seemed atrocious. I think he lied because he didn’t want me to feel the age difference was too much. I used to say the maximal age difference I’d tolerate is 3-5 years. He also has a history of starting relationships with girls who are 17 and underage. Our relationship made me so dependent on him that I was neglecting my studies always to see him and stay with him. He’d continually tell me how I’m very mature for my age and how he likes that about me.
Our first sexual experience, which was us making out, was very frightening because I hadn’t done that before, and I told him about not wanting to go further, which he assured me we weren’t. One day in his house, he took things further, and we ended up having sex after all his many reassurances that we weren’t going to. When it was happening, all I could think of was why he said we weren’t going to if he was still going to push to have his way.
I didn’t speak up because, in a way, I wanted to please him, and I didn’t fully realize the impact of everything. I mentioned I read a book that talks about grooming. This exact experience was described, and during the process of him taking my virginity, he kept praising me—talking about how strong I was, how I could handle pain and how he loved me so much. After the whole ordeal, I went to the bathroom and cried because, at that moment, I didn’t feel loved. For a year, I couldn’t narrate the entire first time I had sex, and I was told it was because it was probably traumatic for me, and I used to laugh it off. When I confronted him about it a week later because I felt really disturbed, he apologized, telling me he felt that was what I wanted. I still stayed with him after that.
He made me feel like he was the one who understood me the most and saw me as my best self. I did, and I still feel that way a bit. I don’t know if he knew it was grooming, but many things I’ve read and seen online point in that direction. He’d tell me to do something like come outside to see him or something, and if I refused for some reason, he’d try to guilt trip me, saying he’d never do that to me and all that, and I’d end up feeling bad, so I’d go. He promised me so many things, and he’d always tell me how he hadn’t met any girl like me and he’d marry me someday. He’d tell me about how he’d take me out on numerous dates and get me a lot of presents. I loved the attention I was getting from him.
In a few months, I almost couldn’t stay without him. He told me so many lies about his ex-girlfriend, and I had so much sympathy, thinking he had gone through a lot. He even told me to stay away from her and that she could pour me acid because she’s a vile person, but in reality, he just didn’t want me to find out about how he was the vile person in their relationship. I still find it difficult years later to completely detach myself from him because he still comes back occasionally to shower me with affection.
He sometimes mentions how he misses the 17-year-old me and how different and difficult I am now because I’m not scared or overthinking about expressing myself and calling him out when he tries to lie or deceive me. I used to be so mindful of expressing myself, fearing him leaving me and thinking I was not mature enough for him.
After the whole ordeal, I did a lot of research, and it really does point in that direction;
Behaviors to Look Out For in Adults:
- An adult who is interested in someone under 18. This could include an adult sending frequent messages to a minor or asking them out on dates.
- Asserting a “no one understands you like I do” mindset undermines relationships with friends and family.
- An adult who regularly initiates or creates opportunities for them and the teenager or young person to spend time alone.
- An adult who gradually pushes or crosses physical boundaries. For example, the abuser may hug the young person for a long time, encourage the teenager to sit on their lap, or “accidentally” touch the young person’s private areas.
- An adult who finds opportunities to give a teenager or young person gifts or tokens.
- An adult who displays a preference for age and gender.
This is an expert from LOVE IS RESPECT.ORG.
If You Could Go Back and Do Anything Differently, What Would You Change?
To be honest, I wish I had never spoken to him because that’s what led to this whole situation.
Lastly, What Advice Would You Give Other Young Women or Teenagers in a Similar Situation?
Always trust your instincts. If you feel something isn’t right, then it probably isn’t. DO NOT ignore that feeling. Try to speak up or talk to someone you trust. I really hope you have the strength to leave because I know it isn’t easy at all.
*This interview has been edited for length and clarity.*
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