You probably know them—those “friends” who are the sweetest when others are watching but somehow have a way of making you feel smaller than a grain of salt when it’s just you two. They are the ones whose compliments leave you second-guessing yourself, and when you call them out, they make you feel like you’re imagining things.
Let’s be real: dealing with mean girls isn’t just high school drama or something you outgrow in adulthood. The sad truth is that toxic behavior can surface anywhere and at any time—in friendships, family dynamics, and workplaces.
While most people recognize the classic signs of bullying, like name-calling and physical abuse, mean girls are craftsmen who have perfected bullying and often disguise it as jokes, concerns, or sometimes friendly advice.
So, how do you protect yourself against something so hard to see or define? Something so well hidden behind smiles? The key is recognizing the subtle signs and setting clear boundaries. Mean girls may not have outgrown being bullies, but we sure are over being bullied or manipulated.
The Not-So-Obvious Signs You Are Friends With A Mean Girl
1. Backhanded Compliments
These comments sound positive on the surface but are laced with just enough malice and criticism to hurt. These underhanded comments are designed to chip away at your self-esteem without raising alarms. The tricky part is, if you confront it, the bully can always say, “But I was just complimenting you!” Think phrases like, “Wow, you’re so brave to wear that,” or, “You look good for someone who doesn’t work out much.” If a compliment ever leaves you feeling off-balance, it’s probably more poison than praise.
2. Constant Comparisons
Whether it’s about grades, friends, or looks, constant comparisons are a classic sign of someone subtly trying to undermine you. They might say, “I love how you’re so relaxed about your business. When I started mine, I constantly flew between Lagos and Abuja for meetings. But then again, I was also juggling three kids and managing two major contracts at the same time.” This type of comparison is designed to make you feel inadequate as if your accomplishments are somehow lesser because you didn’t have as many obstacles or responsibilities.
Imagine you step out looking your best and get a bit more attention than them. Then the friend, with a half-smile, says: “Ah, no wonder all these men are chasing you—you know Nigerian men like women who show off everything.” If you’ve ever experienced this, you will admit it stings more than an outright insult.
Read: 12 Women on the Moment They Knew Their Friends Didn’t Like Them
3.The Disguised Put-Downs or Should We Say Just Kidding?
It’s the kind of comment meant to poke fun, but somehow, it always lands too close to home. “You’re so sensitive, I’m just joking!” is a classic line used to brush off the hurt they inflict. This deflection makes it seem like you’re the problem for not having a sense of humour, and it’s designed to silence you. That’s classic gaslighting, a form of emotional manipulation where the bully denies your experience or twists the narrative until you doubt yourself.
Let’s say you finally land a role in a project you’ve been eyeing at work, and when you excitedly share the news with your colleague, she responds with a half-smile and says, “Wow, they must have been desperate, huh?” It’s a joke, supposedly—but the words stick. Later, when you mention it, she brushes it off: “Oh please, can’t you take a joke? I didn’t mean it like that.” Now, you’re left wondering if she actually believes you didn’t deserve the role.
4. The Cold Shoulder
When they suddenly stop talking to you, with no reason given, it’s meant to make you scramble for their approval and wonder what you did wrong. This emotional withdrawal is intended to keep you on edge and vying for their acceptance, so when they come with their ridiculous requests, you are forced to say yes. If you do decide to say no, they respond with a playful but pointed, “Hmmm, so you’re feeling too big now, eh?” Or, “Ah, it’s just a small favor. Are you not our friend again?”
5. “Friendly” Exclusion: When They Keep You Close Enough but Never Include You
It’s the classic Mean Girls cafeteria scene: there’s room at the table, but there’s never enough space for you. If a group makes you feel like you’re on the outside looking in, it’s exclusion. They’ll talk about events without inviting you, “forget” to add you to group chats, or plan gatherings when they know you’re busy.
You can be sitting with a group of friends, and suddenly, they burst into laughter over an “inside joke.” You’re left confused, feeling like the odd one out. When you ask, you get a dismissive “Oh, it’s just something you wouldn’t get.”
What makes it worse? They’ll insist there’s no issue and you’re imagining things. This friend group claims to “love” hanging out with you but only reaches out when they need something.
6. Weaponized Niceness or The “But I’m Just Looking Out for You” Trap
These girls act like your biggest cheerleader but are simply looking to undermine your achievement. They’ll say, “You did a good job, but you know I had to step in to fix a few things,” or “Not bad, considering it’s your first try.” Sometimes, it’s even cloaked under, “I’m only saying this because I want to see you happy.” The goal? To keep you dependent on their approval while ensuring you never quite feel like you’re good enough. This hot-and-cold behavior is intended to keep you guessing and anxious while craving for their approval.
Setting Boundaries Without Guilt
It’s easy to get drawn into these dynamics, especially since we’ve been taught to value peace in our friendships. Yet, we must protect our mental and emotional well-being, especially when dealing with people who know just how to make you feel “less than” without ever saying it outright. Here’s how to set clear boundaries:
- Trust Your Gut: If something feels off, don’t ignore that feeling. Just because it’s subtle doesn’t mean it’s not real. Mean girls often use plausible deniability to escape being called out. Trust yourself enough to recognize when someone’s words or actions affect your well-being.
- Evaluate the Behavior: Ask yourself: “If my sister or daughter was being treated like this, would I want them to stay in the relationship?” Comparing your feelings in this situation with how a good friend makes you feel can reveal a lot. Do a quick gut check with someone you trust. Nine times out of ten, they’ll say, “Girl, this has been bullying all along—you just didn’t see it.”
- Track What’s Happening: Document specific comments and behaviors when they occur. It might seem tedious, but staying calm and sticking to the facts makes a massive difference. When you choose to address the situation – avoid emotional language like, “You don’t like me” or “You always pick on me.” Instead, state what was said, when, and how it made you feel. You can say, “On Thursday, you said X in front of everyone, and it made me feel Y.” Instead of “You’re always making fun of me,” say, “When I hear comments like A, B, or C, I feel X, Y, and Z.” It keeps the conversation focused on how you feel without making the other person defensive.
- Strengthen Your Self-Esteem: Remember, you’re not the problem—they are. Mean girls often prey on insecurity, so focus on building your self-esteem. Consider therapy techniques like mindfulness or positive affirmations. Challenge thoughts like, “I’m not good enough,” and replace them with reminders of your strengths. Your self-worth is not determined by someone else’s unkind behavior.
- Change Your Reaction Patterns; You can’t always change the bully, but you can change your response. Don’t engage unless it’s on your terms, and don’t reward mean behavior with your attention. Also, trying to outshine or prove yourself to a mean girl usually backfires. If their behavior stems from jealousy or insecurity, don’t feed into it by competing. Instead, keep your distance and let your work speak for itself. Remind yourself, “This isn’t my space forever; I won’t let this person’s behavior take away my peace.” Keep your mental barriers up and know when to leave their toxicity at the door.
- Seek Support and Speak Up: If you’re in a workplace, document what’s happening and seek help from HR or a supervisor. Setting boundaries publicly can sometimes be the wake-up call a mean girl needs to change her behavior.
- Give Yourself Permission to Walk Away: If a friendship or work relationship becomes too toxic, step back. You don’t owe anyone your mental health. Distance yourself, even if it’s temporary. Ask yourself, “Is the positive side of this friendship outweighing the negative?” If not, it’s time to reconsider your involvement.
Mean girls don’t always wear the label openly. They appear in everyday situations, disguised as friends, colleagues, or even family members who “mean well.” But with the right tools, you can recognize these dynamics for what they are and set the kind of boundaries that keep you confident, centered, and unapologetically yourself. Remember, you deserve relationships where you’re celebrated, not tolerated—and not undermined.