Call me Captain Cruise because I’ve been heading some mad cruise ships from late December last year to early this January. In other words, I been dey catch cruise.
While everyone was reflecting on 2020 and setting goals for the new year, your girl decided to set out to the shores of Tinder to see what it holds, and she has arrived after this laughable 12-day venture to give you the full gist on her online dating experience.
Before I made the decision to join Tinder, I was accosted with the sad reality that I’ve just been existing. I mean no drama, no romance, nowhere to go, just me in my house lounging around all day in my silk bonnet and flowery pajamas and maybe some Netflix and chill here and there.
What I’m trying to say is, my life was boring, as boring as can be during a pandemic. I basically had three choices; to start looking for the drama I have fought so hard to keep out, to start gallivanting around Lagos like COVID is no man’s business or to join an online dating app to see whether I might find small romance, and you pretty much now know which one of those options I chose.
So the decision was made, the app was installed and the cheesiest bio of all time was uploaded. The match making had begun!
About a hundred swipes right later, I had sixty matches under my belt and for those who don’t know how Tinder works; when you swipe left you reject a prospective match and when you swipe right you accept a potential match. Now you should know that the shores of Tinder are riddled with unenticing profiles incase you’re moved by this story of mine to give it a try, you should know that before you accept a decent number of promising matches you must have swiped left at least a thousand times.
So with that said, I sifted all the matches I made into 6 categories to make my story telling much more interesting, you will most likely have met all these categories if you’re a Tinder user.
- The Foreign Guys In Need Of “Chocolate”
Now this category has to top the list because, wow. The first foreign guy I matched with was my first indicator that I might have to be wary of foreign men on this app, our conversation was something along these lines;
Me: I’m from Nigeria and you?
Him: I’m from Germany, Nigerian girls are very hot and naughty.
Me: Oh ok, thank you I guess…
Him: Yes! I like Nigerian girls, they are very good girls, I like to watch them on the internet.
Him: Yes! I like to watch Nigerian porns on the internet. *insert multiple blushing emojis*
This was the point I knew that I had to unmatch with great speed. The other foreign men I talked to were not promising either, most white men that I talked to for a decent amount of time were mostly surprised I wasn’t begging for money, one even said, and I quote;
“I’m surprised you haven’t told me you haven’t eaten in days or that your mother died and you need money for the funeral.”
At this point, I lost the ability to can.
- The Catfishes Also Known As The One’s That Want To Scam You
You can easily spot a Catfish on Tinder, the first indicator you might have matched with a catfish is when the photos on their profile are looking way too good for this Nigeria that we’re in, I mean like Calvin Klein model snapshots. You’ll be seeing sexy ass profiles and the most off-putting locations within Nigeria, o wrong now!
You’ll also see some catfishes that are partially catfishes or some catfishes that are learning work, for instance I came across this profile, the age on the profile was 25 but the wrinkles and gray beards were telling another story. Just beware of catfishes, in some cases you can’t tell.
- The Horny One’s Ready To ‘Hook-Up’
I think one thing I was very pleased with while catching cruise on Tinder was that most people stated their intentions clearly on their bio, some even went as far as touting the capabilities of their manhood to communicate their intentions across very clearly. So, before you decide to swipe right make sure you have gone through the bio carefully in order to avoid unnecessary surprises.
- The One’s That Are Ment
The first guy I talked to that qualified for this category hit me up in response to my cheesy bio. Let me quickly tell you what my bio read, by all means you can laugh at me but this bio of mine initiated the most engaging conversations I’ve ever had.
‘I always thought I would meet ‘the one’, like in one of those cliché movie scenes where the characters bump into each other and then the girl’s books get knocked out of her hands, then they would both crouch down to pick things up and then intense eye contact follows suit. Well, plot twist. I don’t leave my house.’
Now this one guy hit me up casually, we were talking and getting to know each other and then he dropped this line;
‘So let’s get serious, I think I’m the one.’
To me I thought he was playing around because we had only been talking for about 5 minutes, so I wasn’t even taking anything serious in the slightest. I was just baiting him, asking him how sure he was that he is the one, then he dropped another (cringe) line;
‘I want some exclusivity.’
I was deeply perplexed and what was further upsetting was that he was dead serious, he went on to tell me how he doesn’t want me talking to other guys and how we should both delete the app. Mind you, at the time we had only been talking for about 10 minutes. I had to instantly unmatch because that scared me a little.
- The Shitty Texters
I have no time to waste with this category, you either text me like a human being or I unmatch you, simpu! This category can be absolutely annoying, please how do you make up your mind to join a dating app and be texting like you want to be single for the rest of your life?
How was your day?
What did you do today?
Tell me about yourself?
Just do us a favor and delete the app, thank you.
- The Prospective Partners
Now these ones are everything from handsome to spectacular conversationalists, let’s just say out of the sixty matches I made, three matches fell into this category. There was one who got my distinctive bio so much that he proposed we act out the scene when we meet, he even offered to have someone play some cliché background music.
This category was the highlight of my cruise catching, I’ve almost forgotten how it feels to have someone’s energy match yours. This category definitely made my venture worth it. Would I go on Tinder again? I don’t think so, it was quite the experience but I wasted no time in hitting the delete button.
In conclusion, living vicariously through Spanish soap operas and my friends who are boo’d up in their relationships isn’t just cutting it any more.
Did I mention I have two dates next month? yes, your girl is double dating. Wish me luck!