Doesn’t it make your blood boil when you’re watching a friend get caught up in a relationship that is clearly not good for them? The vibe’s off. The person’s controlling. Your friend shrinks when she’s around them. The constant fights, ghosting, gaslighting. Things you can’t unhear or even worse—the gut feeling that she’s protecting him and keeping questionable things he does away from you. You see the red flags, waving frantically, but your friend seems oblivious, or worse, resigned. And while you want to shake some sense into her and scream, “Babes, dump him!” you also know it’s not that simple.
It’s a precarious situation. One wrong move and your friend distances herself from you, leaving more room for her rat of a boyfriend to burrow deeper into her heart. Another bad move and she’s cut you off entirely because you’re ‘judgmental’, ‘don’t get it’, or ‘jealous’.
Supporting a friend in an unhealthy relationship is one of the most emotionally taxing things you’ll ever do. Still, love demands that we show up for our people. So how do you offer meaningful support without pushing them away or getting burned out yourself. It’s a tightrope walk, balancing concern with respect for their autonomy. But for this person you care about, your friendship can be a vital lifeline.
First Things First: Recognise That It’s Their Relationship, Not Yours
As tempting as it is to yank your friend out of that relationship and block their partner on their behalf, it’s not your decision to make. Before you jump into action mode, take a breath and try to understand why your friend might be staying. People stay in unhealthy situations for so many reasons like:
-Love and Attachment: Feelings are messy. Your friend might genuinely love their partner, remembering the good times or clinging to the potential they once saw. Breaking up means grieving that connection, however flawed.
-Fear: Fear of being alone, fear of the partner’s reaction (emotional or even physical), fear of judgment, fear of financial instability, fear of not finding anyone else.
-Normalization: Sometimes, especially if someone grew up witnessing unhealthy dynamics, the current situation might feel sadly normal or familiar. Case in point is the popular “all men cheat” that many Nigerian women are fond of saying to excuse thier cheating partners.
-Manipulation and Gaslighting: Unhealthy partners are often skilled manipulators. They might convince your friend that they are the problem, that the bad behaviour is their fault, or that things aren’t really “that bad.”
Understanding these factors breeds empathy, which is crucial. Your friend isn’t weak or stupid for staying; they’re likely caught in a complex web. The goal isn’t to control them; it’s to support them while they find their strength.
Listen Without Judgement
Your job isn’t to interrogate or criticise. Neither is it to ‘rescue’ your friend. It’s to listen. To be a consistent, non-judgmental source of support. Create space for your friend to vent, cry, or even defend the person. Be patient. It’s painful to watch, but remember that every time you offer a listening ear without judgment, you’re giving them permission to be honest — and slowly, they’ll start hearing themselves too. Sometimes, the turning point comes from your own words, and other times, it comes from their own realisation after saying things out loud.
Pro Tip: Avoid accusatory phrases like “I told you so”, “How could you let them treat you like that?” or “It can never be me.” These phrases only breeds shame, and shame keeps people stuck.
Express concern gently and specifically by using “I” statements focused on their behaviour and her feelings: “I felt worried when they spoke to you like that in front of everyone”, “I’ve noticed you seem down/stressed/anxious since [situation], and I’m concerned about you,” or
“It makes me uncomfortable when they check your phone all the time. How does that make you feel?” Focusing on specific incidents is less overwhelming than broad condemnations which may trigger them to be defensive.
Gently Call Out Red Flags — When It’s Safe to Do So
If your friend opens up about controlling behaviour, manipulation, or any form of abuse, you can gently highlight it. You don’t need to shout “That’s toxic!” at every mention of their partner. While it’s tempting to bash the partner, keep the focus on your friend’s well-being and feelings. Say things like: “That sounds really unfair to you”, “You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel safe and loved, not anxious and small” or “Is this relationship bringing you more happiness or more stress?”. Sometimes, your calm, loving honesty is what plants the seed they need to get out.
Check In Regularly
To avoid the risk of your friend thinking you want to use her relationship trauma as gist, don’t only show up when there’s drama. Call them randomly. Send them memes. Invite them out. Remind them not only of who they are but that they exist outside this relationship. Unhealthy relationships often diminish a person’s sense of self. Remind your friend of their amazing qualities, past achievements, and the things you love about them outside of the relationship. Help them reconnect with the person they are deep down. Encourage hobbies and interests they enjoyed before the relationship.
Unhealthy relationships often isolate people, and your consistent presence could be one of the few reminders of the life they still have. Keep those doors open.
Know When to Suggest Professional Help
If you sense that your friend is dealing with serious emotional, physical, or financial abuse, it’s okay to gently recommend professional help — a therapist, a counsellor, a domestic violence helpline. Share resources casually, maybe by saying “I came across this and thought of you.” You never know when they’ll need it.
Don’t Abandon Them — Even If You’re Frustrated
Truth is, you might get tired. You’ll probably watch them leave and go back. Cry and swear they’re done, only to return a week later. It’s exhausting, but try not to cut them off because helping them is more or less a marathon than a sprint (unless your own mental health is suffering, in which case, set healthy boundaries for yourself too). Isolation is what keeps people stuck in unhealthy relationships. Resist the urge to show frustration. Consistent, unwavering support, even through setbacks, is key. Let them know you’re there for them, no matter what.
If You’re Worried About Their Immediate Safety, Offer Practical Help
This could mean offering a place to stay temporarily if they decide to leave, helping them research resources (like therapists or support groups), being a distraction when they need a break or fucking shit up by paying boys to injure the abuser (just kidding…only if you are)
Unhealthy relationships exist on a spectrum. If you suspect physical, sexual, or severe emotional abuse, the stakes are higher. Educate yourself on the signs of abuse. Encourage your friend to contact professionals who specialize in domestic violence. If you believe your friend is in immediate danger, don’t stay silent. You can discreetly reach out to a trusted family member, helpline, or authorities if necessary. It’s a heavy call to make, but one that can save a life. Never underestimate how fast a bad situation can turn worse.
Don’t Forget Yourself
Supporting a friend in this situation is emotionally draining. It’s okay to feel frustrated, worried, angry, or helpless. To protect yourself:
-Set Boundaries: You need to protect your own mental health. Decide what you can realistically offer. It’s okay to say, “I can listen, but I can’t fix this for you,” or to take breaks from discussing the relationship if it becomes overwhelming.
-Seek Your Own Support: Talk to another trusted friend, family member, or a counsellor about how you are feeling. You need an outlet too.
-Remember Your Limits: You are their friend, not their therapist or saviour. Your role is support, not rescue. It’s not your responsibility to make them leave.
In The End, Be The Friend You’d Want
Loving someone through an unhealthy relationship is hard, messy, and often thankless. But it matters. It matters that they know someone’s rooting for them, even when they’ve lost sight of themselves. And while you may not be able to fix it, you can be the soft place they fall when they’re finally ready to leave.
So, send the check-in text. Crack the silly jokes. Make future plans. Hold their hand when they cry. And remind them, over and over again, “You deserve to be loved gently, fully, and without conditions.”
Because they do. And one day, they’ll believe it too.
Being a supportive friend in this situation requires immense patience, empathy, and resilience. It’s about planting seeds of self-worth, keeping lines of communication open, and reminding your friend that they deserve happiness, respect, and safety. Your consistent presence might be the anchor they need, even if they can’t see it clearly right now. It’s one of the hardest, but potentially most impactful, ways you can show up for someone you care about. Walk that tightrope carefully, look after yourself, and know that your friendship truly matters.
