Grooming is a deliberate and gradual process that involves the offender (usually an older person that presents themselves as a mentor, romantic partner, authority figure) building a relationship with a child, and sometimes their wider family, in order to gain their trust and a position of power over the child, until that child is isolated, dependent and more susceptible to exploitation and abuse.
In Nigeria, men grooming women that are way younger than them or even girls, is a common occurrence (and this is not to say there are no female groomers who target girls and boys).
If we aren’t hearing stories of our grandmothers, mothers or aunties that got married off as children or young adults to a man ten-plus years older than them, we are hearing stories of women outside our families that were evidently groomed by older men. On social media, you see men casually talk about taking up the educational training of an underage girl and eventually being mad that the girl (who has now come of age) is romantically interested in another person. Sadly, you even see some women, perhaps victims themselves, fiercely defending unequal power dynamics in heterosexual romantic relationships. To these men and women, there’s nothing wrong with an older man keeping tabs on a child and waiting for her to turn 18 before they can become romantically involved with her—“Isn’t it legal?” they argue. To them, it isn’t fishy for a man to suggest to his younger partner to quit her job—“Afterall, a man is the provider”, they say. Well, history has shown that not much good comes from a man having too much power over a woman. She becomes an appendage with no real personality outside what she is to that man. Why shouldn’t anyone kick against grooming, especially when the signs can be so obvious?
Nevertheless, to stay clear of victim blaming, it’s essential to remember that children and young people may not understand they’ve been groomed. They may deal with complicated feelings towards their groomer—usually a mix of loyalty, admiration or love with fear, distress and confusion.
Let’s get into the 6 classic stages an abuser employs to groom a younger person:
Selecting the victim
Groomers are calculated when it comes to picking who to prey on—they do not want to get caught. Thus, abusers often look for and target their victims based on perceived vulnerabilities including: low self esteem, chaotic home life, lack of adult support, poverty, abuse survivors, intellectual or physical disability, unpopularity in their social circle, emotional neediness, etc.
In this stage, the groomer may observe their target over time, looking for signs that they can manipulate or exploit, making the victim feel special, understood, or loved. This initial stage is subtle as the abuser lays the groundwork for building trust and establishing an emotional connection with the child or vulnerable individual.
Gaining access to the victim’s trust
In the second stage,the abuser works to create a bond that makes the victim feel safe and valued—establishing trust is key. This often involves offering attention, kindness, gifts, and praise, making the victim feel seen and important. The abuser may also share secrets with them, to fake a sense of intimacy. By confiding in the victim, the abuser can make them feel trusted and important, which strengthens the emotional bond. This tactic also puts the victim in a vulnerable position, as they are now complicit in the “secret” and may feel obligated to protect the abuser or keep quiet about any inappropriate behavior.
Whilst doing this, the abuser typically trains the child to keep the relationship secret. The goal is to gradually lower the victim’s defenses and establish a relationship where the victim feels a deep sense of loyalty or attachment, making it easier for the groomer to manipulate them later on.
Sometimes, the groomer doesn’t care for the relationship between him and the child to be private—he exhibits grooming behaviours towards the parents or guardians of the child, in order to lower their suspicions and gain further access to the child.
Satisfying a need
At this stage, the abuser seeks to fill a void in the person’s life, offering a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on or a helping hand. Here the groomer offers support or fulfills desires, such as providing attention, validation, gifts, taking the child on trips or assistance in difficult situations——convincing the victim that only him is capable of fulfilling such need. The goal of the abuser is to create a sense of dependence or gratitude in the victim, making them feel as though they owe the groomer something. This tactic often clouds the victim’s judgment when they begin to feel something is off about the relationship, making it harder for them to recognize the toxic nature of the relationship.
Isolating the victim
Isolation: the classic abuser technique. Here, the groomer intentionally works to distance the victim from their support networks—friends, family, or other trusted individuals. The aim of the abuser is to prevent others from witnessing how he plans to abuse the victim.
By isolating the child, the groomer creates an environment where the victim becomes more reliant on them for emotional support, guidance, or validation. This isolation can be subtle at first, such as encouraging the victim to spend more time alone with the groomer, creating conflicts with others, or portraying loved ones as unsupportive or overbearing. As the victim becomes more isolated, their ability to seek outside perspectives or help diminishes, leaving them more vulnerable to manipulation and control. The groomer fosters a sense of dependence, making it harder for the victim to break free from the relationship.
There are situations where the abuser has made themselves known to the victim’s loved ones, deliberately presenting himself as a nice person—it’s all an act, so that when a victim expresses reservations to their loved ones about the abuser, they will be met with disbelief.
The primary goal: abuse
The ultimate goal of grooming is often to pave the way for abuse, whether emotional, physical, or sexual. By the time the predator has successfully manipulated the victim through aforementioned stages, they have built a system of control and dependence that makes it easier to exploit the victim without immediate resistance. The abuse typically begins gradually, with small boundary violations that may seem insignificant at first, but escalate over time as the victim is further manipulated into believing that the behavior is normal or deserved. In cases of sexual grooming, abusers will often start to desensitize the victim regarding sex. For instance, they start by touching a victim in ways that appear harmless, such as hugging, play fighting and tickling, and later escalate to increasingly more sexual contact, such as massages or showering together. Abusers may also show the victim pornography or discuss sexual topics with them, to introduce the idea of sexual contact.
The groomer uses the power dynamics they’ve established to diminish the victim’s sense of self-worth, creating confusion and fear that keep them trapped. The victim may feel powerless or ashamed, leading them to either not recognize the abuse or feel unable to escape it. Ultimately, the abuse becomes the natural extension of the grooming process, as the victim is coerced into enduring harm in silence.
The final stage of grooming: Maintaining control
Here, the predator solidifies their dominance and ensures that the victim remains under their influence. At this point, the groomer works to reinforce the power dynamics that have been carefully established, using a combination of manipulation, intimidation, and emotional coercion to keep the victim from breaking free.
The predator may employ tactics such as guilt-tripping, threats, revenge porn, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail to maintain the victim’s compliance, all while making the victim feel as though they are incapable of surviving without the groomer’s guidance or approval. Threats may also be made against the child’s family and friends. The groomer may also use promises of affection or rewards to create a cycle of hope and despair, making it harder for the victim to leave or resist.
This final stage ensures that the victim feels trapped in a relationship where escape feels impossible, keeping the predator in control and their abusive behavior ongoing.
Sometimes the victim persuades themselves that the abuse is entirely normal, even desirable for the “perks” it brings, with the price only apparent later. It may take years, perhaps decades for the victim to process what actually went on – for the realisation to dawn that, instead of partakers in a ‘special relationship’, they themselves were in fact victims of abuse.
Some cases of grooming result in financial abuse. The abusers truly know that: if you give someone the power to feed you, you give them the power to starve it.
Many cases of grooming lead to sexual abuse. Grooming can also result in radicalisation, in which case the groomer is simply working to win someone over to their cause.
But in some cases of grooming it might be difficult to identify a motive. Unfortunately, some people just enjoy exerting dominance over others.
