When it comes to sex, a lot of people believe that foreplay is the beginning and having an orgasm is the end but that isn’t true. Rarely do we think about what happens after we both c*m. And to me, it’s one of the most important aspects of sexual intimacy: aftercare.
The term is well known in the BDSM community and it simply means doing whatever it takes to make your partner feel comfortable, seen and safe after sex. This can look like cleaning each other up, cuddling, watching movies, ordering takeout, discussing things that went well during sex and so on.. you get the point. Sadly, many people have never even heard of sexual aftercare. In my opinion, taking care of the person you just had a sexual encounter with should be a prerequisite irrespective of what you have going on. Whether it’s a casual fling or you’re in a long term relationship, aftercare is an essential part of most intimate encounters.
You might be thinking, “How the hell am I going to engage in aftercare with someone I’m only hooking up with?” Well, you can! Because even if it’s just a fling, you should respect each other enough to at least simply check in after the deed is done. A simple “so, how was that for you” will suffice in these cases. And if emotional aftercare isn’t your thing, physical connection plays an important role in feeling like you’re both taken care of.
We asked 8 women in our community to share their thoughts on sexual aftercare. Here’s what they had to say:
1. Zainab, 27
The only time I have ever experienced sexual aftercare was with my ex. He would clean me up with baby wipes after sex, make me tea, roll up a joint for me and then we would cuddle and binge our favourite show. He was really a gentle man but unfortunately the relationship didn’t work out. The last guy I was with would literally pass out on my body after sex and it was such a turn off. Most men don’t know what aftercare is and a lot of them aren’t even interested. It’s sad.
2. Anita, 25
I think aftercare is such a turn on. I will definitely wanna go more rounds if we chill and connect after the first round because it shows you respect and care about me. I sincerely think it’s the absolute bare minimum because most women don’t even reach orgasm from penetrative sex so the least you can do is not make me feel like I’m being dismissed after you’ve literally just been inside me.
3. Bolu, 33
I’ve been married for almost a year now and I remember teaching my husband how to care for me the right way after sex. He was very open and eager to learn and I appreciated his enthusiasm. There are different forms of aftercare so it’s important to communicate what you need to whoever you’re sleeping with. It’s all about discussing how you want to feel during aftercare and if it sounds terrifying, maybe you shouldn’t be having sex at all. You need to be able to voice how you feel during (and after) sex and if your partner/lover makes you feel uncomfortable or weird because of it, maybe you shouldn’t be sleeping with him/her. Aftercare is so much more than the act itself but more about the intention behind it.
4. Osi, 21
I don’t think I have ever really been taken care of after sex. And it’s no one’s fault because after we’re done, I hardly ever wanna cuddle or spend time together because I never want to give the wrong impression or make the other person feel like I’m suddenly attached because of sex. And I just feel that most men will get the wrong idea if you ask to chill or spend time together after sex. Unless it’s your partner then it’s a different case but if not, hmm. The men of this generation are very weird.
5. Sharon, 25
I’m a very sensitive and emotional person and because I know who I am, I try to avoid casual flings because in my opinion its a waste of time and body count. For me to actually open myself up to you, figuratively and literally, there has to be a connection and I have to see a future with you. I’m very big on aftercare and it’s something I sort of demand from the people I sleep with. After we get together, you can’t just up and leave like I’m some sort of sex robot who just fulfilled your sexual desires. We have to spend some time together afterwards. And personally, I like emotional aftercare because I love to talk about what I liked and disliked during sex so the next time can be better. Either that, or we cuddle naked.
6. Lani, 23
Personally, I do not like aftercare because once that post-nut clarity hits, I just want to be left alone. Or maybe it’s just me.
7. Nasara, 27
I like aftercare because I think it’s a sweet way to connect with the other person after being slutted out (despite whatever the situation is.) And as a trauma survivor, aftercare is important to me because it doesn’t leave me feeling used or unwanted if that makes sense. And I feel like more women need to open their mouths more and demand what they want during and after sex because imagine giving someone p**** but too shy to communicate how you want to be treated better. Can’t relate o.
8. Kim, 21
I first found out about aftercare on TikTok and it was honestly new to me. Most guys either pass out (P-Power. Can’t blame them) or immediately leave. But to be fair, I don’t really like cuddling or engaging in so much activity after sex, especially if we aren’t even dating.
*Some names have been changed
What are your thoughts on sexual aftercare?