Statistics from the Bureau of “he said, she said” has shown that people are riding just to cum and then go? Scandalous.
Car sex is far more common than you think. That Toyota your Uber Driver arrived in? The Benz that drove past in a rush splashing water on you? That Bus where the conductor cussed you out for entering without change? No vehicle is safe.
This realization that has dawned on you might lead you to ask, “why exactly should I be screwing inside a car?” The answer is pretty straightforward—Homelessness.
…I’m joking.
What I’m actually getting at is: Everyone cannot afford to have their own place, which makes total sense since we are young adults still figuring out our finances. Click here for tips on how to get your business popping so you can make money.
Living with others may also prevent you from entertaining guests in the special ways you want to *wink wink*. So, does being young and broke mean your back doesn’t deserve to be blown? Sis, hop in that Maserati.
The thrill and spontaneity is another huge car sex appeal. One minute you’re in the car with a lover probably on your way somewhere, the next minute your inner goddess is out and your yoni is disrespectfully asking for just the tip or a crumb of p*ssy.
If you ever find yourself in any of these situations, we gotchu, girl. Cars were literally created for riding. So here’s the down low on navigating passionate, comfortable and awkward free car sex:
You’re a criminal (only if you get caught):
Section 134(a) of the Criminal Law of Lagos State penalizes public sex with a maximum of 2 years in prison. But what is life without a sprinkle of danger? That buzz that comes while having car sex, the possibility that you might just get caught, is everything.
Night time is usually the best time to engage in car sex because you have more places with less people to choose from. Day-time Car Sex can be hacked by picking vehicles with black tinted windows, that way you can park anywhere, cum and go, without attracting the wrong kind of attention to you and bae. If at all the car windows are not tinted, you should park at a secluded area. In these ways, you can have the excitement of car sex without actually getting caught. A win-win.
If at all you disregard these safety tips and end up getting caught, do not panic. Tell your lawyers to reach out to 21 so we can publish an article on how to survive in kirikiri women’s prison.
Load up on car a(sex)ssories:
To avoid making a mess, bring along essentials.
- Baby wipes and tissues always come in handy to clean up after sex.
- Condoms are also a great choice to help minimize the mess, when he has to pull out and you do not feel like swallowing. Literally no one wants to start cleaning off cum stains in a car, have some pity on the person that will wash your vehicle. Bonus point is that condoms are important for protection against STIs. Therefore, you can’t even do without them— car sex oh, bed sex oh, helicopter sex oh— you have to always protect yourself girl.
- Sanitizers cannot be forgotten. We both know how busy you are going to be with your hands, sanitizing afterwards is a MUST.
- There’s nothing like too much Lube, especially if you are trying to be adventurous with sex positions.
Dress the way you want to be addressed:
This quote was first uttered by {name redacted}, the first woman to ever make love in the plush leather seats of a car. It baffles me that older folks have wielded the quote to slut-shame and reinforce harmful stereotypes on people based on what they wear.
The complete saying goes thus:
All ye that have forsaken their beds at home for the confines of a car, dress the way you want to be addressed. For this sexca(r)pede, loose gowns and skirts, preferably short, and trousers with elastic bands will let your Mister or Mrs know that you’re not there to play.
Also, you do not have to go fully nude during car sex. Only remove whatever absolutely needs to go. That way, if someone happens to catch you, japa japa japa!
Shhhhhhh!
All the moaners and screamers in the house, you will have to tone it down while he parks that big mack truck right in your little garage. Car Sex requires lots of cautiousness, reducing how loud you get helps.
Things that should be turned on:
During Car Sex, the only thing that should be turned on is you and your boo, not the car’s engine. Low ahhhh and ooooohs are appreciated. Vroom vroom’s are distracting, draw unnecessary attention and waste fuel.
Easy does it:
I understand the need to go on a wild and rough ride, but sometimes slow and steady wins the race. The movements between you and your partner, and the pace at which you have sex should be unrushed. It is even more sensual that way.
Go too fast and you might break something in the car, then you spend the whole time thinking of your mechanic and the remaining 2k in your account, instead of focusing on your lover. Worse still, you might hit your head or injure yourself, then you will have to rush to the hospital with a concussion, half horny, half disorientated, stammering when the doctor asks how you sustained the blow.
Car sex positions:
Due to the minimal amount of space most cars offer, there aren’t a lot of sex positions you can try. So whatever complex stunt you are trying to pull off, I advice you leave it for the sheets. Well, unless you are in a limo, then by all means —driver roll up the partition please.
To maximize space (wahala for who no get Limo), you can try pushing the seats all the way back as far as it goes. The number one go-to position is the Cowgirl — regular or reverse. Oral Sex usually works too, and if there’s enough space at the backseat, hello missionary.
Keep it short:
When Jack Kornfield said:
The trouble is, you think you have time,
he was scolding his lover who wanted to go for the fourth round in his Volkswagen.
There are long hours of sexual activity and then there’s car sex. Typically, cars should be for quickies. The more you prolong car sex, the greater the chances are of getting caught.
So ma’am, there is no time for post coital cuddling and definitely no time for a fourth round.
With these basics, I doubt your journey can go wrong. You now have our permission to go get some oil in that engine.
