It seems like everyone agrees that the dating pool for Nigerian women looking to find ‘the one’ is a murky puddle. You’re either navigating a sea of “situationships,” dodging men who want a wifey without the commitment, or dodging men who have a wifey. Between concerned aunties enquiring into your love lives and a fresh marriage proposal Instagram post from a follower, for many Nigerian women, the pressure to find the one grows ever higher.
It doesn’t help that some of us grew up on a steady diet of Disney movies that sold us a very specific dream: find “The One,” lock it down, and ride off into the monogamous sunset.
It’s a beautiful narrative, but for a generation that questions everything, is it really surprising that young Nigerian adults are starting to question if a one-size-fits-all approach to love is the only option?
If you’ve been on the internet long enough, you’ve probably stumbled upon the word polyamory—maybe in a TikTok think-piece, a podcast episode, or while doom-scrolling through someone’s “ethical non-monogamy” profile. There is a current shift in how millennials and gen-z’s are understanding connection. At its simplest, it is the practice or philosophy of engaging in multiple romantic or intimate relationships at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Unlike cheating or infidelity, polyamory is based on honesty, transparency, and mutual agreement. People who are polyamorous believe that it’s possible to love or be romantically connected to more than one person without diminishing their feelings for any partner.
So, how does it actually work?
If “polyamory” is the practice, a “polycule” is the cast of characters. The term is a blend of “polyamory” and “molecule,” and it’s the perfect description for the interconnected network of people in a non-monogamous relationship structure. It’s you, your partners, your partners’ partners, and so on.
Unlike the rigid geometry of a “love triangle,” which implies competition and tension, a polycule is a fluid, unique shape. It can look like:
A “V”: Where one person is dating two people who are not dating each other. Think of yourself at the bottom point of the V, with a partner on each upper tip.
A Throuple: Three people who are all in a relationship with each other.
A Quad: Four people in various configurations of relationships.
The most important people in your polycule, besides your direct partners, are your metamours—a term for your partner’s other partners. In healthy polycules, the relationship between metamours can range from respectful acquaintances who wish each other well to deeply supportive best friends.
Why People Choose Polyamory
Polyamory is quietly carving out a space in the Nigerian dating landscape, offering an alternative to the traditional rulebook we were all handed.
People choose polyamory for different reasons. For some, it’s about embracing the idea that love is abundant, that one person doesn’t have to be your everything. You can love multiple people without taking away from the love you already have.
Others see it as a way to unlearn the possessiveness baked into traditional relationship models. Polyamory says: “I love you, but I don’t own you.” It’s a challenge to the narrative that your partner’s desire for someone else automatically means a lack of love for you.
Then there’s the freedom of self-expression. Polyamory allows people to explore different dynamics, sexualities, and emotional connections without shame. For women especially, it can be deeply liberating, choosing to center choice, honesty, and emotional intelligence in love instead of secrecy or guilt.
And while it might sound progressive, some may say its deeply human. After all, we love more than one friend, more than one sibling, more than one passion. So, why do we believe romantic love must be confined to one person?
Pros and Cons of Polyamory
Of course, polyamory has its critics, and many misconceptions. Some people dismiss it as “just wanting to have your cake and eat it too,” or confuse it with polygamy (they’re not the same). It isn’t also an excuse to cheat. Polyamory is not a free-for-all. Cheating in a polyamorous context is simply the violation of the specific agreements and boundaries set within that relationship.
Examples of cheating within polyamory could include:
Lying about emotional involvement: If you have an agreement to keep other relationships casual but secretly develop a deep romantic bond and hide it.
Breaking a safe-sex agreement: Lying about using protection with another partner.
Hiding a new partner: If the agreement is to inform partners before becoming intimate with someone new, doing so secretly is cheating.
Crossing established boundaries: For example, if you and a partner agreed not to have sleepovers with other partners at your shared home, doing so would be a violation.
Like any relationship style, polyamory isn’t all sunshine and group hugs. It’s a choice that comes with its own unique set of rewards and, let’s be honest, wahala.
The Good Stuff:
- Emotional Abundance: More people to love you, support you, and hype you up? A win!
- Personal Growth: You are forced to confront your insecurities, jealousy, and communication skills head-on.
- Freedom and Flexibility: It allows you to define relationships on your own terms, outside of societal expectations.
The Hard Stuff :
- Jealousy is Real: While the goal is to feel happy for your partner (known as “compersion“), jealousy still happens. It requires a lot of self-work and honest communication to navigate.
- Admin Overload: Managing multiple schedules, emotional needs, and date nights requires serious time management skills. It’s a lot of emotional and logistical labor.
- Social Stigma: Be prepared for judgment from family, friends, and a society that largely doesn’t understand or approve of non-monogamy.
- Complex Breakups: When one relationship ends, it can send ripples through the entire polycule, affecting everyone connected.
So, Could Polyamory Be For You?
Polyamory isn’t a “fix” for a broken monogamous relationship, and it’s definitely not an excuse to cheat. It’s a conscious, intentional choice.
It might be for you if:
- You genuinely believe you can love more than one person romantically.
- You are a rockstar communicator (or are willing to become one).
- You are good at managing your time and emotions.
- You are looking for a relationship model built on radical honesty and personal freedom.
It’s probably not for you if:
- The thought of your partner being with someone else sends you into a spiral (and you have no desire to work through that).
- You are looking for an “easy” way out of monogamy. Spoiler: it’s not easier, just different.
- You struggle with honesty and direct communication.
The Nigerian dating scene is complex, but it’s also vibrant and evolving. The rise of polyamory is just another sign that we, the women of the 21st century, are no longer content with the old scripts. We’re writing our own stories, and that story may be a solo act, a classic duet, or a full-blown orchestra. Nevertheless, the ultimate goal is the same: to build a life filled with love, respect, and joy, on your own damn terms.
