Real AF is an anonymous series that explores the interesting lives of Nigerian women, because we all have stories to tell.
Healing from sexual trauma can be a difficult and complex journey. One that is unique to each individual who has experienced it. While the path to recovery may be challenging, it is also one that is filled with hope, growth, and the potential for profound transformation. In this article, for Sexual Assault Awareness Month, we explore the experiences of women who are healing from sexual trauma and offer guidance for navigating the journey to recovery. By gathering responses from women who have faced similar challenges, we hope to provide insight and support for those who are on their healing journey. We recognize that every individual’s experience is different, and we approach this topic with sensitivity, compassion and an open heart. We hope that this article will serve as a source of comfort, inspiration, and empowerment for anyone who is on the path to healing from sexual assault.
Jennifer
My best friend and I were 18 when we were walking on our way back from school. She told me how she had been talking to her ex-boyfriend and how he wanted to see her. I grimaced because this man was older – 26! – and bad news. I told her point blank it wasn’t a good idea. But she insisted and said she needed closure and asked if I would go with her in support. Of course, I wanted to be supportive of my friend so I agreed.
We got to his house around 6 pm and sat on the couch in his living room. He sat directly in front of my friend and handed her a bottle of alcohol which she took and drank. He kept encouraging her to keep drinking and at some point, she offered me a drink as well. I was hesitant at first but didn’t want to seem uncool so I took a a few gulps. I noticed he smiled a little bigger once he saw I was also drinking, which I found weird. Moments later, my friend started to act odd and said she didn’t feel well. She ran to the bathroom, and I followed behind her worried. She even threw up a few times while I held her hair. Then I myself started to feel dizzy so I pulled her off the floor. We went into a room and laid on the bed and immediately passed out.
I woke up to someone unbuttoning my shirt and rubbing their hands all over my stomach and breasts. But I couldn’t turn my head to see who it was. I realized I was unable to move at all, I was paralyzed so I passed out again. My friend and I woke the next morning, confused as hell. “What happened to me!?” I remember asking myself. I had felt a bruise on my vulva and got a burning sensation. Once I got home and showered, I tried to wash my vagina and noticed discharge that was smelling weird. I was so scared, I couldn’t tell my best friend or my mum. A few weeks later, I bumped into my best friend’s ex at a supermarket and he ran his hands through my hair and sniffed it afterward. It made me feel horrible. I hated myself and it made me feel dirty. Whenever I slept, I would picture his hands under my boobs, and it made me sick to my stomach. I was depressed for years and the first step I took was to seek professional help. I began by seeking a therapist who specialized in treating survivors of sexual trauma. And I found it helpful because I had a safe and supportive space to share my experience and process my emotions. I also learned coping skills for managing anxiety and depression. And I found out that expressing myself creatively was helpful in my healing journey. This included writing in a journal, painting, and playing music. Therapy and support groups have been helpful as it has helped me prioritize my healing and well-being. My challenges started when I started experiencing triggers and flashbacks that were overwhelming and difficult to manage. I also had PTSD, which interfered with my daily life and made it difficult for me to function. My advice to women healing from sexual assault is to consider seeking the support of a mental health professional who is trained in trauma recovery.
Amaka
I was 7 years old when I was sexually abused by a family friend on multiple occasions. One of the times was when he and his wife offered to watch me while my mom and dad went to work. I remember being picked up and taken to his bed. I just pretended to be asleep while he touched me but I tried moving around constantly to try to make him stop. I didn’t tell anyone until 2 years later but my mom didn’t know what to do. I mean, who was going to believe me? All she could do was keep me safe, and she never spoke to them again. She never told my father because he’s hot-headed and might have ended up killing him. One night, I had vivid dreams about one of the times he abused me. I woke up crying and shaking, and it just kept replaying over and over in my head. I didn’t know that I could relive the same moment even years later – kind of a cruel joke my brain plays on me.
My first step to recovery was speaking to a therapist; I also joined a group in my church that helps women struggling with sexual trauma. God has been helpful in my healing journey. He has been my anchor. The assurance knowing that the man wouldn’t ever have to hurt me or anyone again kept me going. Fortunately, he got arrested a few years later for molesting his nieces. My biggest challenge was having to deal with PTSD and flashbacks. It almost felt like when I was healing, the devil wanted to feed on my fears. The nights I had those flashbacks, it came with panic attacks. It was so crazy. My advice is, don’t be hard on yourself. Seek help from a professional, read books that help, pray to heal and most of all, forgive yourself.
Henrietta
I’ve always been a bit overweight and when puberty came around, I started developing faster than my peers. This caused me to gain unwanted attention from older men and even some of my peers. The weird part is, these people would never show interest that was beyond sexual so my self-worth started to decrease daily. Then in SS1, one of my peers showed interest in me and I was excited because he was one of the popular boys. He was cute as well and we ended up getting intimate. This continued for about 2 years until we drifted apart, mostly because I disliked the fact that he was using me for my body and I got fed up with it. But we remained distant friends though. Then one morning in SS3, we were in a class alone and he cornered me and assaulted me. I didn’t tell anyone for about 3 years, mostly because I didn’t even recognise it as assault.
It wasn’t until I was speaking to one of my male friends online, we were discussing how we both don’t like being touched inappropriately and randomly, he asked me if I had ever been assaulted. I told him I hadn’t because I didn’t see what happened to me as assault. Then I searched online and realized I was assaulted because I didn’t give consent and I remembered begging him to stop. It has really affected my romantic and sexual relationships with men. I was already diagnosed with depression and the initial symptoms of a personality disorder, and this added another dimension to my poor mental health. I was suicidal for a long time and I didn’t understand why. I was also assaulted by another person in my first year of university. Fortunately, when I begged him to stop, he did stop but then ended up publicly shaming me. The step I took on my path to recovery was reading an informative book about sexual assault towards overweight women. I also told my partner and best friend about it and they were extremely understanding. I also went for therapy – talking about it was a form of relief for me. I found a way to express my negative emotions, from crocheting to sewing to braiding. I used my negative emotions to do something positive. And on days that I didn’t want to do anything, I allowed myself to rest. Finally, I found my faith again and it’s been great working through my trauma via my religion. My advice for other women still trying to navigate the journey to recovery is, give yourself a break. It’s not your fault that you were assaulted!
Helen
I was sexually harassed for the first time when I was six years old. I soiled myself and the cleaning lady was washing me, and as she washed me, I looked up and saw the cleaning man looking through the gap between the door and door frame. Then when I was ten years old, I was changing after sports and some boys were jumping at the window in a manic to see me undressed. Thereafter, I was being catcalled and groped nearly every day. It was hell. Therapy and medication helped me heal because ever since then I have been battling with anxiety and depression and also had PTSD from it. Time helped me heal because I got bolder and decided that I will never allow myself be assaulted or harassed again. My greatest challenge to my healing journey is when people blame me for what happened. My advice is, don’t be too hard on yourself. It was not your fault. Give yourself a chance to heal!
Faith
I was sexually assaulted at age six. My older cousin was staying with us then and this lasted for a few months. I used to go to my neighbor’s and spend the whole day there, it was during the long holiday. My cousin would come to pick me up and then take me to the boy’s quarters and have his way with me. The generator was usually switched on so nobody could hear anything. I never screamed but I do remember always repeating “It’s paining me.” It is unclear to me why I never told my mom about it. But she eventually found out one day when she was bathing me and I squealed as she wanted to wash my private area. I don’t remember much from what she did but she ended up sending him away. We never spoke about it until last year, when I asked her to tell me what had happened with him (my cousin.) Speaking about it to my closest friends and asking my mom about it was my first step to healing. I tried to suppress the memory of it, and I had almost succeeded in convincing myself that it was only my imagination. My friend group has been helpful in my healing process. I was scared to share it with them initially, but they were supportive and didn’t make it awkward. My greatest challenge was seeing how people blamed victims. Although I wasn’t victim-blamed or anything, but it made me scared to open up to anyone for the longest time. My advice to other women struggling is, it was never your fault. No matter how much you think you might have been the cause or avoided the situation, you were not at fault!
Damilola
The first time I was molested was during a Christmas break my family and I spent in the village. My mom’s younger brother kept asking me to follow him to the roof of the house, I knew something was off. He must have been in his late teens at the time, and I was just a little over six. I remember running away from him when he tried to touch me, but I couldn’t run forever. He moved to our house in Abuja a few months after and he would invite me to his room because I always stayed up late. At first, it was his fingers, then he tried with his penis. He would touch me until he came, and I got so used to it. My parents didn’t notice, they were too busy fighting themselves. After him, it was like the door of abuse was opened in my life. It felt like every man around me could tell I was an easy target; uncles, family friends and even the neighborhood security tried. They would come to our house and make me do filthy things. Life has become weird since then. Whenever I was next to a man, I would expect him to touch me. I didn’t feel like I had friends anymore, because life was just different. I wasn’t even in high school yet, isn’t that crazy?
In my first year in high school, my uncle moved out. There was no one to continue what he started so I started touching myself. But it wasn’t enough so I moved on to touching my neighbor, who was just two or three years younger than me. We would touch ourselves when my parents were not home, and it continued for months. One day, his uncle caught us and threatened to report me if I didn’t have sex with him. I was also abused by my female maid and neighbor. They made me suck their breasts or even their vaginas. I felt so dirty and depressed. Life was horrible. I was not only a victim but I had also abused other people. The first step I took was to face all of it and remind myself that it wasn’t my fault. And what has been helpful is trying to be the person I wish I was. I faced numerous challenges, it felt like I deserved those things because I kept going back to my abuser. It took a while for me to be able to remember those things without hating myself. I even became suicidal, I felt like nothing was supposed to go right for me. I was so young, but I was dealing with so much. My advice is, keep fighting hard!
Doris
I had just lost my mum and had to move in with my dad and stepmom. My dad wasn’t very present while I was a kid so my mum raised me independently. This was a massive change for me as I was grieving my mum at the time. After spending two weeks with my dad, my stepmom had to visit her parents for a few days. That fateful day was when it all started. My father had told me he wanted to check if I was a virgin. I was 14 years old so I allowed him but he insisted on taking my pants off to check. That night, he ate me out and that’s when I knew it was sexual. But I didn’t quite understand and I felt nothing. He kept doing that every time my stepmom was away and if I refused he would beat me mercilessly. There was a time he masturbated on me by attempting to penetrate, and he nutted. The first step I took was moving out of his house, and I have been trying to find myself ever since. What has been most helpful is my relationship with God and some friends. I find it hard to tell my partner what I experienced because i’m ashamed of it. My only advice to other women is, be honest with everyone around you so they can help.
The responses we received were deeply moving and provided valuable insights into the recovery process. Some of the most common challenges women faced included feelings of shame, self-blame and difficulty trusting others. However, many women also highlighted the importance of self-care, developing a support system, and finding a therapist or counselor who specialises in trauma. In terms of resources, therapy was consistently cited as one of the most helpful tools for healing, along with support groups and books. Women also emphasized the importance of finding a therapist or counselor who they felt comfortable with and who had experience working with survivors of sexual trauma. We hope that this article will serve as a valuable resource for other women who are beginning their journey to recovery, and that it will encourage them to seek the support and resources they need to heal and thrive. The process of healing is unique to each survivor, and there is no “right” way to navigate the journey to recovery. However, the insights provided by these brave women can help others who are struggling with their healing process. Women reported that engaging in activities such as exercise, mindfulness, and creative expression helped them cope with their trauma and aided in their healing journey. It is also crucial to acknowledge that healing from sexual trauma can involve setbacks and triggers, and it is essential to be gentle with oneself during these moments. Self-compassion and self-forgiveness are critical in the process of healing. The responses from these women offer hope, support, and encouragement to others who are on a similar journey to healing.
Here are some organisations and healthcare providers that can provide help to sexual assault victims in Nigeria:
- Women at Risk International Foundation (WARIF) – 6, Turton Street, Off Thorburn Avenue, Yaba, Lagos
- The Cece Yard Child Advocacy Centre – Lagos: 2A Akin Ogunmade Davies Close, Gbagada Phase 2. Abuja: 1st Avenue – D2, Salatu Royal Estate, Wuse 2
- Sexual Assault Referral Centre – Juvenile Correctional Home, Ooo-Erin, Ilorin, Kwara
- The Spring Centre – Babalola Ti’lase Own Close, Ikereku-Ayedun, Oke-Mosan, Abeokuta, Ogun State
- Agape Sexual Assault Referral Centre – Immanuel General Hospital, Eket, Akwaibom
- Vivian Sexual Assault Referral Centre – Ogbe Nursing Home, Reservation Road, GRA Benin, Edo State
- Moremi Clinic – ART Building, Ekiti State University Teaching Hospital (EKSUTH), Ado-Ekiti
- Mirabel Centre – Lagos State University Teaching Hospital (LASUTH), Ikeja, Lagos
- Ntasi Centre – General Hospital Enugwu-Ukwu Njikoka Local Government Area, Anambra
- Hope Centre 1 – ADSACA Building State Specialist Hospital, Jimeta, Yola
- Stand to End Rape (STER) – Lagos: 1B Godson Ilodianya Close by Akiogun Road, Oniru. Abuja: 19 Y.P.O Shodehinde street, Utako
