9 Things You Can Relate To If You're A Chronic Online Shopper (Like Myself)

Chronic shopper [ˈkrɒnɪk ˈʃɒpə]

Noun

An individual who cannot go a long time without buying clothes, skincare products, shoes – in fact, anything. Such person’s worst nightmare is being caught unfresh, so you would always find them buying things in advance for a party or outing that doesn’t exist, yet. I mean, you just might never know.

Being a chronic shopper is equal part fun and depressing. You’ll never run out of outfits to wear – at least not often – but when others talk about savings and investments, your closet becomes your solace.

From emptying your bank accounts 3 days after payday to spending your entire day window shopping online, here are 9 things you can relate to if you are a chronic online shopper like myself:

1. Your Instagram ‘Saved’ List Is Filled With Prospective Outfits

You take it a notch higher by organising them in different collections to make them easier to find, such as shoes, clothes, and weaves. We know ourselves.

2. Your Photo Gallery Is Filled With Screenshots of Clothes, Bags, Shoes, Accessories And Wigs That You’re Still Yet To Buy

A friendly reminder: today is a good day to declutter your phone. While other people’s pictures are filled with selfies, yours is filled with screenshots of dresses from different Instagram pages and websites. Stop deceiving yourself, you haven’t bought half of the items in your screenshots folder, yet you keep adding more. Aren’t you tired of the “your iCloud storage is full” emails?

3. Your Salary Finishes Three Days After Payday

I was once forced to reevaluate my financial/lifestyle habit when 80% of my income went to a shopping website 1 minute after I received my monthly salary. The credit and debit alert was literally 60 seconds apart. I stared at the alerts for 20 minutes, promising to do better. Sadly, old habits never die. I didn’t choose this life, it chose me.

4. To Make Yourself Feel Better About Your Reckless Spending, You Term It An ‘Act of Self-Care’

I must admit that there is a certain level of confidence that comes with pampering yourself, you just feel so good and everything is suddenly right with your world so yes, it is an act of self care. And to be fair you aren’t hurting anyone but your bank account of course.

5. No Notification Is As Exciting As “Your Order Has Been Shipped!”

With an online order on the way, life becomes much more exciting. The first thing you do when you wake up is check your order status. Your afternoons are spent daydreaming about the various ways you’re going to style the items you bought, and your last act before sleeping is checking to see if there has been any improvement on your order status since the last time you checked. People would call it joblessness, but I call it being focused. A focused queen; I stan.

6. Because You Always Show Up Looking Good, People Assume You’re Rich

People are usually hellbent on arguing my own reality with me. I tell people, even my friends, that I don’t have money and they raise their nose, look me over and say “rich babe like you”. Hasn’t anyone ever heard of packaging?

Your followers are under your latest Instagram post commenting “Rich aunty vibes” meanwhile you had to starve for a week to afford the dress in the picture. Tears.

7. You Mute Your Favourite Instagram Vendors, Only To Stalk Them And Save Outfits For ‘Later’

Instagram vendors are notorious for offering impromptu sales or anniversary discounts, so it would make sense to always be on the lookout. Imagine missing out on free delivery or 10% off? The bank account should be protected but please, the slay must go on.

8. You Spend Your Entire Day Window Shopping Online

“I can’t go out, I’m doing hot girl shit”. The hot girl shit in question – laying in bed in your PJs, alternating between numerous shopping websites, converting prices from Dollar to Naira and saying “fair” while looking at shoes you can’t afford.