Seasons Greetings! Here at 21, we love you, and that’s why we think of solutions to problems before you even realize you have them. If you’re trying to have a quiet and peaceful Christmas devoid of “when are you getting married?” Or “you’ve gained weight” from African family relatives, I’ve created the perfect list of Christmas recipes/dishes you need to cook up (see what I did there?) so visitors leave as soon as they come in because you see, its not every December you make Jollof rice. Sometimes, spice it up and give your sometimes unwanted visitors Vegan food so you can confuse them and send them packing.
1. Vegan Dishes
If you don’t cook up a vegan meal, have you even started? When I say Vegan, I mean a no-meat, no-chicken, no-fish meal. Just vegetables, tofu and vibes. This one works I tell you because it’ll come as a shock to them. When they are opening the pots and the oven to look for the protein, tell them you’ve joined PETA and you don’t relate with such anymore.
2. Serve Rice, But Don’t Make It Jollof, Fried or White Rice
Serve Cauliflower rice and communicate to your older relatives the benefits of this meal while adding that they are getting old so they need to be eating healthier. Imagine the shock on your aunty and uncle’s faces when they realize there’s no Jollof or Fried rice this year. As Nigerians, that’s a big problem. Problem for them, peace for you. Soon after lunch, you’ll find them trying to make excuses to leave. It’s not that they have to get home early, they just need to look for someone else’s house to eat Jollof.
3. Cook Your Food Without Pepper
Follow this up with discussions on how you don’t eat pepper anymore as advised by your Doctor. This tip would bang especially if you’re from the Yoruba culture. If you’ve successfully reached this step, then your aunty is probably giving you weird looks by now because whose child are you? Don’t be shocked if she casually brings out dry pepper from the bag that she carries everywhere, just proceed to the next step.
4. Serve Sea Food, Particularly Lobster & Crab
Empathize with them on the vegan meal and tell them you made a seafood platter, just in case. They will be relieved when you tell them there’s protein that isn’t vegan based, so peep their surprise when you serve a tray of full de-shelled Crab & Lobster with the mallet (hammer) and knife to break the crab shell. Your 50+ aunty would ask you what the hammer is for, and your uncle who really isn’t your uncle will most likely tell you that he’s full already. The goal is to stress all of them but understand that this will only work for your older relatives that eat only African dishes. If you serve this meal to your aunties and uncles that vacation every 3 months and are always abroad, you’re on your own because they’ll camp at your house.
5. In Fact, Don’t Cook At All. Tell Them You’re Fasting On The Lord’s Day
Who will want to fast with you on Christmas day?
I wish you all the best, don’t forget to let me know the set date for the family meeting they’ll call on your head.