The phone rings. A family member, a former neighbor, a voice from a past you’ve tried to escape, delivers the news: they’re gone. Or perhaps as in recent times, you find out on the internet. The person who caused you immeasurable pain is gone. Your abuser is dead.
For a moment, the world might go silent. You wait for the feeling that’s supposed to come. Grief? Sadness? But what rushes in might be a confusing, chaotic torrent of emotions that society has no script for. Relief, sharp and dizzying. Anger, hot and familiar. A strange, hollow grief for something you never had. Numbness. Even guilt for not feeling the “right” way.
The death of an abuser is not a typical loss. It is the end of a relationship defined by trauma, a complex conclusion to a painful chapter of your life. If you’re navigating this disorienting landscape, know this first: whatever you are feeling is valid. There is no right or wrong way to react when the source of your pain is gone forever.
This guide is for you. It’s a map for the messy, contradictory, and deeply personal journey of processing the death of an abuser. Your emotional response will likely not be a single, clean feeling, but a tangled knot of several. It’s crucial to give yourself permission to experience them all without judgment:
1. Relief and Freedom
This is often the first and most powerful emotion, and it can be accompanied by a wave of shame. You might think, “Am I a bad person for feeling glad someone is dead?” The answer is no. This relief is more about acknowledging the end of a threat, rather than celebrating a death. It’s the feeling of a heavy weight being lifted from your chest. You are no longer looking over your shoulder. You are safe from them in a way you have never been before. This relief is a natural, healthy response to the cessation of harm. Embrace it as the sound of your own self-preservation.
2. Anger and Rage
The anger you carried for years may not dissipate with their death. In fact, it might intensify. You may be furious that they died before you could confront them, before they could ever apologize or be held truly accountable for their actions. They got an escape that you were never afforded. They left you with the scars, the memories, and the lifelong work of healing, while they simply ceased to be. This injustice is real, and your anger is a righteous response to it.
3. Grief for What Was and What Could Never Be
This is perhaps the most confusing emotion of all. How can you grieve someone who hurt you so deeply? This grief is rarely for the person they actually were. Instead, you may be grieving:
- The relationship you should have had. You’re mourning the parent, partner, or family member they were supposed to be—the one who should have loved and protected you.
- The loss of hope. As long as they were alive, there may have been a tiny, unacknowledged flicker of hope that they would one day change, apologize, and give you the closure you deserve. Their death extinguishes that hope forever. Closure, you now realize, will have to come from within.
- The good moments. Abuse is rarely 100% bad all the time. There may have been moments of kindness, laughter, or connection. Grieving these small, good parts doesn’t invalidate the abuse; it simply acknowledges the full, complicated picture of your experience.
- The person you were. You might be grieving the childhood, the innocence, or the years of your life that were stolen by the trauma.
4. Numbness and Confusion
You may feel… nothing at all. This emotional void can be frightening, but it’s often a protective mechanism. Your mind and body are processing an event of enormous significance, and it can be too overwhelming to feel everything at once. Numbness is a way of temporarily shutting down to cope. Be patient with yourself. The feelings will likely surface in their own time.
5. Guilt
Guilt can creep in from many angles. You might feel guilty for your relief, for your anger, or for not feeling sad enough. You might even feel a misplaced guilt, a trauma response that makes you wonder if you were somehow responsible for the bad things that happened.
Navigating the Aftermath: Practical Steps for Healing
Understanding your feelings is the first step. Actively navigating the period after their death is the next.
1. Find a Safe Space to Process
You cannot do this alone, and not everyone will understand. Well-meaning friends or family might say things like, “You should just move on,” or “At least they’re at peace now.” These platitudes can feel invalidating. Seek out people who can hold space for your complex reality:
- A trauma-informed therapist: A professional can provide you with the tools to unpack these feelings in a safe, confidential environment.
- Support groups: Connecting with other survivors who have gone through a similar experience can be incredibly validating. You’ll realize you aren’t alone in your chaotic emotions.
- A trusted friend: If you have a friend who truly understands your history and won’t judge your reaction, lean on them.
2. Manage Social Obligations on Your Own Terms
The pressure to participate in traditional mourning rituals can be immense. Remember: you owe no one a performance of grief.
- The Funeral: You do not have to go. Your attendance is not a requirement for anyone else’s closure. If you choose to go, do it for you not for anyone else. If you don’t go, that is an equally valid choice to protect your peace.
- Dealing with Sympathy: People who don’t know the full story will offer condolences. You don’t owe them your trauma. Prepare a simple, neutral response like, “Thank you for your thoughts,” or “It’s a complicated time for our family.”
- Speaking Your Truth: You will almost certainly encounter the old saying, “You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead.” Let’s be clear: you have the right to speak the truth of your experience, whether privately to a trusted friend or publicly. Take back the narrative your abuser controlled for so long. The responsibility for their legacy lies with them and their actions, not with you. If you don’t want bad things said about you when you’re dead, don’t do bad things when you’re alive. Whether you choose to speak out or not is entirely your decision, but do not let a misplaced sense of decorum silence your truth if you feel the need to share it.
3. Create Your Own Ritual
Since a traditional funeral might not serve your needs, create a ritual that does. This is about giving your own experience a sense of ceremony and closure.
- Write a letter: Write a letter to your abuser saying everything you never got to say. Read it aloud. Then, safely burn it, bury it, or tear it to pieces as a symbolic release.
- Plant something: Plant a tree or a garden. This act of creation can symbolize the new life you are now free to cultivate for yourself.
- Reclaim an activity: Do something they told you you couldn’t do or something they hated. Claim that joy as your own, an act of defiance and liberation.
4. Be Kind to Your Body
Trauma is stored in the body. In the weeks and months after their death, you may experience physical symptoms of stress: fatigue, headaches, or anxiety. Prioritize self-care. Rest. Eat nourishing food. Move your body in gentle ways like walking or stretching. Your body has carried you through so much; now is the time to care for it.
The Path Forward
The death of your abuser does not magically erase the past. The scars remain. But it does mark a fundamental shift. The narrative is no longer about surviving them, it is now, entirely, about living for you.
Their story has ended. Yours is still being written. This is your opportunity to turn the page on a chapter that was defined by their shadow and step fully into the light of your own making. Be patient, be compassionate, and give yourself the grace to heal on your own timeline. Your life is finally, unequivocally, your own.
