99 Thoughts I Had While Watching Netflix’s Glamour Girls

I spotted Nse Ikpe Etim and Sharon Ooja in the movie’s trailer, and was immediately convinced it was going to be lovely watch because great actors make great movies.. right? I expected expensive sets, glamorous costumes, interesting banter, and for the bare minimum – a plot. Did it meet my expectations? Here are 99 real time thoughts I had while watching Nollywood’s 2 hours attempt at rebooting a 1994 classic.

1. How would you know a movie was filmed in Lagos if they don’t show the streets of Victoria Island at night?
2. It’s supposed to give off strip club vibes, but Sharon Ooja is just wiggling around the strip pole.
3. One of the men in the club is looking for his ring and thinks Sharon Ooja’s character stole it, so he sends his bodyguard to search her – in a very sultry way.
4. What in the Christian Grey is going on with the guy who’s searching?
5. Did he actually find the ring on her or did he plant it there? I vote for the latter.
6. The strip club madam is screaming at Sharon and the other strippers because of the “stolen” ring.
7. Sis, Cynthia Morgan called and she needs her wig back.
8. They’ve sacked Sharon Ooja because of Christian Grey’s ring sha.
9. Donna (Nse Ikpe Etim) walks into a spacious office setting – giving boss bitch as always.
10. Nobody should come for me but why is it only Receptionist Amebo roles Taymesan acts?
11. Sharon Ooja (5 minutes into the movie and we still don’t know her character’s name) and 2 other ladies walk in to see Donna but –
12. She’s on the phone with Louise (Toke Makinwa) who’s sitting on the top of a Yacht.
13. Sure Nollywood, let’s pretend like you actually get good network reception in the middle of the ocean.
14. Donna just asked if the girls’ wigs are made of horsehair and I choked on my caprisone.
15. Donna: Any CV? The Girls: *Proceeds to show off their bodies.*
16. Interview tip 1.
17. Donna chases the girls out of her office because they don’t fit her standard.
18. Sharon Ooja (Now known as Emma) walks back into Donna’s office looking angry. Fighting for what she clearly deserves apparently.
19. Emmanuella stripped off her gown, and now has the job. Interview tip 2?
20. Not sure what energy Tommy (Taymesan) is supposed to be bringing here, but cute suit though.
21. This Chief in Agbada keeps laughing but nothing funny is happening.
22. Apparently, Donna pimps girls out to wealthy men.
23. Donna is deeply upset with someone named Jemma.
24. Next scene: We see a troubled Jemma (Joselyn Dumas) and her ill husband in a hospital.
25. Shout out to Nneoma, 21 Mag’s Beauty Strategist. She makes a Cameo appearance in one of the club scenes and our girl is gorgeous!
26. An exhausted Donna gets home at night and meets a troubled husband who says “Today is our anniversary.”
27. Aiya. The man is clearly alone in the marriage. But why was he shirtless?
28. This scene with Louise and her husband is uncomfortable to watch.
29. Honestly the plot of this movie is a bit all over the place.
30. Emma and Jemma meet in the parking lot of Donna’s office. Jemma’s bag falls down, Emma rushes to help and their eyes meet.
31. Nollywood ft. scenes from Disney channel.
32. Awkward conversation between Donna and Jemma.
33. So far, we’ve met 2 glamour girls on Donna’s team – Louise and Hell (Segilola Ogidan)
34. Finally, they gave Tommy a script. He had just been standing in the background with his rainbow suits.
35. Jemma (an ex-Glamour girl who left the business because she fell in love) needs some money but Donna’s condition is that she works as a Glamour girl for one more party. Jemma refuses.
36. There’s some drama in the lounge between Emma and Hell on which chair to sit on.
37. I’m getting bored.
38. Donna: “Tommy, fix her” Nollywood: *Proceeds to display a whole shopping spree and makeover session for Emma.*
39. Emma is now a Glamour girl.
40. I love her in this perfume shop scene.
41. Donna just called in her husband (Kenneth), and throws a Condom to Emma and says “show me what you’ve got.” Ehn?
42. The husband looks so fed up but he didn’t waste time to lie down on the bed.
43. Wow. Emma is having sex with Kenneth in front of Donna.
44. No words.
45. Louise’s husband (Aaron) is back in town. Glamour girl in the mud.
46. It’s party time.
47. Jemma is at the party, so I guess she really needs the money.
48. I’m bored again.
49. It’s party time It’s sex time apparently.
50. Alexander (Lynxx) is a young gentleman who walks up to Jemma.
51. For sex of course.
52. Whew. Alexander is one fine man.
53. Christian Grey is back and like I predicted, the ring was planted. He introduces Emma to his wealthy boss as an apology.
54. Boss, that football game can’t be THAT interesting with a whole babe standing before you.
55. Emma is talking football now? Sharp girl.
56. What is with Hell’s character though? She just keeps making noise and inhaling white powder everywhere.
57. Music choice doesn’t fit this slow-motion party scene but okay.
58. Its 6 months later? I’m worried.
59. Who was in charge of this music selection? You’re my sugar plump, you’re my sweetie pie while Emma struts out of a Jet. Are you confused?
60. Emma is clearly enjoying her new life. She has a house now.
61. Now this is the Sharon Ooja we love to see.
62. She called a whole Christian Grey “Dirty Small boy.” Money is sweet oh.
63. I haven’t even bothered to learn the guy’s actual name.
64. Jemma is in the hospital to see her ill husband, and sweet boy Alexander is with her.
65. Ah. They just took her husband off life support, so he’s dead dead.
66. And sex with Alexander is next on the schedule?
67. Okay oh.
68. Private jets, Helicopters and Yachts. Let’s take a minute to appreciate the Luxury in this movie.
69. Jemma is back fully into the Glamour girl lifestyle.
70. Trying to get Emma a job as a Bank Manager? Stop please.
71. I still don’t get Hell’s character.
72. Jemma’s son, Ese’s facial expression is my mood in this party scene because this movie is going round in circles, with no direction whatsoever.
73. I need an Uncle Tommy in my life to cheer me up with dollazz.
74. All this drama is unnecessary, honestly.
75. Emma is having sex with Christian Grey? What’s all this one now. They didn’t even try to be discreet.
76. This movie is somehow. It’s telling too many stories and no stories all at once.
77. Aaron with the Machete, when he catches Louise cheating, is hilarious.
78. Alex has been (sexually) hurting Jemma’s son for a long time and Jemma just found out, so she killed him.
79. Hiding Alexander’s dead body in a couch is impressive work.
80. Hell overdosed and is now dead. What exactly is this movie about and why was she in it?
81. I’m bored and confused.
82. Update: Some guys are searching for Alexander and questioning Donna for money (we have no idea how or why.)
83. Jail time for whoever oversaw the music selections in this movie, please.
84. Donna meets up with 2 older women (probably her mothers in the game) and begs for help.
85. I wish I could update you right now but I’m so confused.
86. Can’t believe I’m still watching.
87. Update: The movie has turned into a money hunt / low budget spy kids movie.
88. I’m short for words.
89. In a bad way.
90. Emma is having sex with the hacker?
91. Didn’t these actors read the script before proceeding to act in it?
92. Tommy and Louise have disappeared from the movie’s plot.
93. Impatiently waiting for this movie to end.
94. The money in the flash drive is missing?  
95. Christian Grey (Zeribe) stole it? Emma stole it? I’m confused.
96. What in the Africa magic is this soundtrack!
97. Donna stole some of the money I guess. That’s the end? I seriously have no words.
98. Why did Emma come back after telling Donna she chooses herself? and more importantly, what is this movie even about?
99. What a waste of my time.

Glamour girls had a few stellar actors, Nse Ikpe Etim and Sharon Ooja brought some life into a very lifeless storyline. The production quality was okay. But the scattered plot and zero direction was very infuriating. I have so many questions but I’m even too angry to know the answers. Watch at your own risk please.