As told to Udo Ojogbo by Oluwagbemisola Osoba, Assistant Clinical Psychologist at NDIDI, Lagos.
I’ve spent most of my life worrying that I am too loud, too ambitious, too emotional, or too intense, especially in spaces where calm composure is praised and vulnerability is discouraged.
At home, at work, even in casual conversations, there’s often an unspoken rule: don’t take up too much space. If you do, you risk being labelled “too much.”
For many women, especially in Nigeria, this fear of being too much isn’t only about personality; it’s also about survival. About navigating family expectations, cultural norms, and professional dynamics without ever breaking the invisible rules.
But the truth is: being fully yourself is never a flaw. Learning to honour your full presence is both a personal and professional superpower.
What “Too Much” Really Means
Being labelled too much often isn’t about your behaviour, it’s about other people’s comfort.
Your ambition isn’t threatening. Your intensity isn’t inappropriate. Your emotion isn’t wrong.
It’s society’s narrow definition of “acceptable” behaviour that casts your full presence as a problem. And when you start believing it, you may:
- Over-apologize for your opinions
- Hide excitement or joy
- Downplay accomplishments
- Suppress your feelings to avoid being a burden.
But fully embracing yourself, your emotions, ideas, and energy is valid and it’s necessary.
When “Too Much” Feels Like a Threat
The phrase “too much” makes it sound like you are the problem, when in actual fact, society is. The demonization of society’s discomfort with unrestrained emotion or ambition, especially in women, is the issue.
Psychologists diagnose the feelings associated with being too much as self‑silencing. It involves suppressing your own feelings, thoughts, or desires to avoid conflict or judgment. A pattern that often stems from fear of rejection.
In workplaces and within families, women are taught to shrink. To tone down opinions in meetings. To soften energy in conversation. To edit laughter, tears, ambition, and ideas. Why? So we aren’t too much.
Internalizing this message comes at a cost though; your confidence, energy, and sense of self slowly erode.
How to Stop Shrinking
Here’s how to reclaim space at work, at home, in your own mind and wherever you find yourself without losing balance:
1. Name Your Feelings
Acknowledge your emotions without judgment. Naming what you feel reduces internal pressure and builds emotional awareness.
2. Set Boundaries
Saying no doesn’t make you selfish; it protects your energy. At work or home, boundaries allow you to show up fully without burnout.
3. Express Yourself Intentionally
Sharing your ideas, ambition, or emotion doesn’t have to be dramatic. Expressing yourself with honesty and respect builds authenticity and influence.
4. Seek Support
Lean on trusted colleagues, mentors, friends, or mental health professionals. Research shows that emotional support reduces stress and strengthens resilience.
5. Celebrate Your Full Presence
Recognize that your “big” emotions and ideas are gifts, not liabilities. Embracing your depth increases confidence, creativity, and well-being.
Strength Is Not Contained
Your full presence is your strength. It drives ideas, inspires others, and fuels growth both personally and professionally.
So if you’ve ever softened your voice, dimmed your energy, or hidden your ambition to make others comfortable, let this be your permission slip:
You are not too much.
And the world, your family, your team, your peers, you, will be stronger for it.
