Sorry Not Sorry: Rating 10 Popular Fruits

Truthfully these days fruits are for the wealthy, because it can’t be me you’re selling that tiny apple to, for that amount. I haven’t always been so much of a fruit person, but there’s that whole sermon that tells you to stay fit and take your vitamins. No matter how hard Nigerians try to form like they are not about that life, somehow we still see fruit vendors on every corner of the street, and they seem to be making good business.

Whether your preference is to blend it into a healthy fruit smoothie, incorporate them into your meals or simply munch on them, aiming for that fit fam life and Beyonce body? We all have to deal with taking fruits once in a while.

In this article, I’m rating top 10 Popular fruits based on what I think they have to offer, and I have very strong opinions.

Bananas already shaking in her boots.

1. Apples – The Sensitive Babes 

• 5/10

I’ll never understand what the hype is about apples. I mean first of all, they are partially the cause of all the problems of the human race. Without apples, the world will be a better place. No bills to pay, free food and no Lagos traffic? Would have been nice. More seriously though, apart from the crunch and sometimes sweetness the green apples give us, they are actually not all that. You see those ones called the red apples; I avoid them. The worst thing about Apples has to be their sensitivity. Just because you fell down from my nylon, you’re attempting to go brown? Abeg. Apples are like narcissistic exes that hurt you and then make you feel like you did something wrong. It’s a 5/10 for me.

 2.  Agbalumo – The Warriors

•   6/10

Firstly, I think this fruit deserves an apology from Nigerians. How can you be created with such a sweet name as African Cherry and have a whole nation drag you and turn your name into something as local as Agbalumo or Udara. It sounds like the name of a fighter going to war. What I love the most about Agbalumo has to be the baby seeds inside of them. When we were much younger, we would wash and store the seeds after eating around it, and use the seeds to learn how to count and do tough addition and subtraction math exercises. That was second hand value, and we respect that. Agbalumo however, will be getting a 6/10 from me, simply because we can’t tell the good ones from the great ones. While some produce sweet flavours, some just leave a slapping taste in your mouth.

3. Strawberries – The Decorations

• 2/10

No, but seriously. Strawberries should be relabelled as decoration items. Just sit there on the candle lit dinner table, look pretty and try to blend in with the flowers. Do anything else but don’t try to enter my mouth. Strawberries are awful. Yes, I said it. Romantic yes, but awful. They just taste wrong. Don’t try to cover them in chocolate because I will eat around the chocolate and leave your decoration for you. Can we also tell bakers to stop adding them to cakes? They are unnecessarily costly and nobody ever eats them. 2/10 is even such a generous score.

Read: Sorry Not Sorry: Foods That Should Never Be Eaten In Public According To Nigerians

4. Pineapples – The Queens

• 9/10

Pineapples should be crowned the queen of fruits. And if you think about it, they already are. Or what do you think the prickly crown on her head is for? 

Pineapples are so lovely and there is absolutely nothing terrible about them. They are sweet and juicy and even sweeter and juicer when chilled. They are yellow; bright and warm, and can really make your day. It’s a 9/10 for me and the only reason I’m reserving the 1 – is because they are sometimes difficult to peel. But don’t worry Queen, we get it. You don’t want anyone touching your crown and all.

5. Bananas – The Clout Chasers

• 3/10

Clout chasers. Bananas are clout chasers. They are like this Alakada specimen. Not good on their own, so they try to gum body with other things to gain popularity. On their own, Bananas don’t really bang, and they know it. I’m sure somewhere in their history they must have rebelled against the Plantain kingdom to form their own system. That’s why they are so alike, yet so different. If you like to take them with groundnuts, it’s because you like groundnuts, not because you like Bananas. Repeat after me and you’ll feel better – Bananas are a 3/10.

6. Oranges – The Elders

• 7/10

The thing about Oranges is, that are just there. Everybody likes them and they are not proud. They try to maintain reasonable prices and are hardly ever scarce. They even know how to give variety of colours. You would expect a lot of pride from one of the forefathers of fruit juices, but no. They are so humble. This fruit also happens to be blessed with a lot of vitamins. I love oranges, I really do.

7. Watermelon – The Bullies?

• 6/10

Watermelons are just way too big. Although they are also quite juicy and if you’re lucky, sweet too. What worries me though, is how they seem to intimidate the other fruits by swallowing up a typical fruit basket. And why are the seeds so plenty?! But maybe, just maybe, Watermelons are just plus-sized fruits who feel like they are constantly being body shamed.

8. Mangoes – The Catch

• 6/10

I love Mangoes, I really do. They seem to have such an interesting personality. That ability to keep you on the edge of your seat, while they decide on how to make their grand entrance for the year is priceless. So scarce, but so worth the wait. They are bright and sweet and fuzzy on the outside. And that’s where I become worried. Mangoes to me, seem like they need therapy. How can you be so sweet on the outside, but rough and tough and impossible to break on the inside? I mean, I admire the hard to break spirit, but really Mangoes, are you okay?

9. Tangerine – The Cheerful Givers

• 8/10

I don’t know about you, but Tangerine is sweeter when shared. Easy to peel and soft on the inside with a reasonable number of seeds. When not scarce, I will buy. And whether it is 365 days until I see them again, I will wait patiently.

10. Coconut – Brown Skinned Beauties

• 10/10

Yes, you saw that right. 10/10. They are legendary, eternal and of course, versatile. You will either find them in the rough market place or on a beachside in Maldives with a straw running through them. These fruits know when to work and when to have a good time. They are diverse, as you can eat them and drink them. In fact, they happen to be classified as fruits, seeds and nuts at the same freaking time! They are brown skinned beauties with inner skin like milk. If this is not goals the other fruits should be looking up to, I don’t know what is.