The truth is, I’ve been avoiding writing this piece because I know it will bring up old wounds. Maybe that’s why it’s kind of therapeutic to finally put it into words.
If I can help even one girl or woman see clearly in a situation that left her questioning herself, feeling lost, or stuck in the dark, then it’s worth it.
Let’s start with my love life.
My Dating History
I’m 28, and my love life has been bittersweet. For the purpose of this piece, we’ll focus on my last two relationships before meeting the DA, the dismissive avoidant.
The first was a three-year relationship, and by most accounts, it was healthy. He was a secure man. Someone who knew how to communicate, repair during conflict, and handle emotions with maturity. A well-rounded, solid guy. Of course, all relationships have their ups and downs, and ours was no exception.
It was during that time that I realized something important: just because a man is good doesn’t mean he’s good for you.
Then came my “relationship” after that. Yes, it’s in quotes because I’m not even sure it qualifies. Situationship? Talking stage? Whatever you want to call it, it was intense.
Chemistry and intimacy were so strong that it almost blinded me to who he really was.
And yes, it was that intense, but I was also wise to all his antics.
I always say the context in which a person meets you matters. Do they approach you when you’re open and vulnerable, or when your guard is already up?
My headspace was the latter. I enjoyed the intensity, sure, but I also knew he was full of sh*t.
It was during this entanglement that I realized something else: some men seem to feed off women becoming attached to them. They thrive on it.
As you can imagine, this relationship quickly fell flat. I mirrored his behavior until he couldn’t handle it anymore. A textbook story: a man who got exactly what he dished out, and retreated.
Looking back, it wasn’t until I met my DA that I really started understanding why some men operate this way, and why their patterns can feel so confusing, manipulative, and exhausting.
Who is a Dismissive Avoidant?
A dismissive-avoidant is a type of attachment style. There are three others:
- Secure-attachment.
- Anxious-attachment.
- Fearful-avoidant attachment (also called disorganised).
People with the DA attachment style tend to value independence and self-sufficiency over closeness, most of the time to the point of distancing themselves from others emotionally. They may appear confident and self-reliant, but this masks a deeper discomfort with intimacy or vulnerability.
That’s the psychology.
From my experience, dismissive-avoidants also have very narcissistic tendencies.
They appear calm, collected, and logical, but underneath, they are contradictory, emotionally guarded, and even fragile.
They crave connection like anyone else, but it has to be on their terms.
They want chemistry and closeness, but only in small doses.
They want trust and openness, until it requires them to be vulnerable or accountable. That’s when they pull back.
They can be incredibly charming, but it’s fleeting. This is because they can manage intimacy in very small doses.
The honeymoon stage only lasts so long. For most people, conflict and emotional issues are opportunities to grow closer. For an avoidant, conflict is a trigger to run.
The moment things get emotional or intimate, they distance themselves. They make it feel normal, like needing closeness is a flaw on your part. When they say they “value independence,” it’s really about protecting themselves from vulnerability and subtly controlling the situation by keeping you in the dark.
Avoidants thrive on confusion. They want you uncertain, off-balance, and questioning yourself.
Control is their power, and anything outside of it can trigger them to pull away even further.
Meeting My Avoidant
As I mentioned earlier, where a person meets you in life matters.
I met my avoidant at a time when I was vulnerable. I had just left a long-term relationship, not because it was toxic, but simply because it had run its course. My heart was open to the possibility of someone new, someone who could be everything my ex wasn’t.
Avoidants are very charismatic, but not always attractive. And I don’t just mean physically. There’s something magnetic about them at first glance: the confidence, the mystery, the effortless charm. You want to know them. You want their energy. They can light up a room with a smile or a witty comment, and suddenly you’re hanging onto every word.
But here’s the catch: that charisma is a mask. Beneath it lies emotional unavailability, a reluctance to show true feelings, and a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
They are skilled at making you feel wanted without ever intending to be fully present.
Let me break it down.
Most avoidants enter relationships with the idea of love, but only on their terms. They enjoy the beginnings of connection, the excitement, the chase. But as the relationship progresses and closeness is required, they pull away.
This cycle repeats, and what’s most interesting is how consistent it is. Avoidants tend to follow the same template with every single person they date.
They might genuinely like you at first, but over time, normal human needs—reassurance, intimacy, accountability—feel overwhelming to them.
Their nervous system goes haywire, and they feel like they are in danger.
Think of the way someone with anxious attachment feels unsettled when an avoidant gives them the silent treatment. That’s exactly how the avoidant feels when you start expecting vulnerability, consistency, and emotional presence.
The response is instinctive: they run. And more often than not, it’s rooted in trauma.
Avoidant Wounds
We’re not born with our attachment styles, and they are not personality flaws. They are subconscious beliefs and patterns formed in early childhood that shape how we relate to others as adults.
In most cases, avoidants behave the way they do because of neglect in childhood. In other cases, it may be due to betrayal in a past relationship.
Many avoidants grew up in homes where emotions were seen as weak or unnecessary, so they were forced to rely on themselves.
Some, I like to call the “avoidant nice guys,” became who they are by observing their fathers.
They watched how their father treated their mother, and emotionally, they stepped in to support their mom while vowing they would never be like him.
But here’s the paradox. In trying not to repeat their father’s mistakes, some avoidants end up setting impossible standards, expecting their partners to act in ways their mothers did, or defining love as endurance.
A woman refusing to shrink herself can feel like a threat to them, even if the father’s emotional unavailability caused pain. To them, intimacy only works when they remain in control and keep their distance, because they never want to be treated the way their father treated their mother.
This type of man struggles to express his own needs. As a child, he was too busy managing his mother’s emotions and never saw healthy communication modeled.
He doesn’t know how to bring up problems because he witnessed what happened when his mother did. So, he suppresses his feelings, pretends everything is fine, and quietly resents you. Eventually, the relationship ends, either because he discards you or because you walk away with your self-respect intact.
Complicated? Yes. But understanding these wounds is key to seeing that their behavior says far more about their past than it does about you.
The 4 Stages of Meeting an Avoidant
I know people—including me, at one point—say that avoidants are experts at masking themselves, especially in the beginning. But the truth is, there are always signs, and there are always red flags.
The problem is that most of us only fully understand what we’re dealing with after the situation has unfolded, usually after we’ve learned about attachment styles and what an avoidant really is.
Seriously, being with these people will have you deep-diving on the internet, trying to figure out how and why they operate the way they do (hey, maybe that’s how you found this article).
An avoidant will show and tell you who they are from the very start; you just have to pay attention and recognize patterns.
Another thing about dismissive-avoidants: they can waste your time. They can keep up their facade, date or even marry you for years, and then one day, drop the mask.
Ultimately, it’s up to you to be wise. And trust me, you need to be.
1. Lovebombing
Avoidants believe everyone else is the problem except themselves.
No matter how badly a relationship ended, you can bet your avoidant will be ready to jump into another one before you can even say “discard.”
They want and crave love like anyone else, the difference is their capacity. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Before they even meet you, your avoidant has likely studied you. They know exactly how to approach you to get your attention. They morph into your version of an ideal partner, and I’m not exaggerating.
In the early stages, you might genuinely feel like you’ve found your person – your soulmate. They say and do all the right things, and you’re certain it’s meant to be. That is, if you don’t pay attention, which most of us don’t.
Trust me, I didn’t.
Love bombing is always the first stage. It’s part of their template. And most of the time, it comes through acts of service. Vulnerability isn’t their thing, so they show “care” by doing things for you:
- Buying flowers regularly
- Sending spontaneous gifts
- Saying the “L” word early
Most times, you’re already attached when this happens, so you fall for it.
Side note: Avoidants are exceptional gift-givers. You can mention losing a sentimental necklace when you were ten, and they’ll somehow find it and gift it to you.
Charmers, yes, but you have to be wise. Love bombing is never a good sign.
A man who goes above and beyond so quickly is usually hiding something crucial: his true character and intentions.
2. Compartmentalization
When an avoidant enters your life, it may look like they’re invested, but they aren’t. At least, not at the level you think.
Avoidants don’t merge you into their world; you simply become a part of it.
They compartmentalize everything: emotions, relationships, even the people in their lives.
What this means is that you are never fully integrated into their life. You might meet friends or see glimpses of their routine, but it’s always on their terms. Your world and your experiences exist separately; they don’t make space for you to truly belong.
With my avoidant, I noticed that we only did things on his terms. Even spontaneity was carefully controlled.
Everyday couple behaviors (going out for breakfast, random check-ins) don’t work with avoidants because you’re compartmentalized.
Everyone in an avoidant’s life fills a void. They seek external validation almost like we need air.
The sad truth is, if you’re with a dismissive avoidant, you are one of many. This doesn’t reflect your worth or value, it’s about them and their patterns.
They can’t give their all to one person. Intimacy, closeness, and vulnerability scare them, so they seek validation from multiple sources.
If you ever come across an unhealed avoidant, pack up your belongings and run.
3. Lack of Emotional Intimacy
This is the stage where the charm starts to fade, and the cracks begin to slowly show. With my avoidant, I remember the moments vividly: we’d talk, laugh, share stories, but somehow, nothing ever felt real. One day, it hit me: what do we even talk about? There were words, plenty of them, but none of them carried depth.
That’s the thing with dismissive-avoidants. They show up, yes, often in ways that seem caring: little gestures, favors, acts of service. And for a while, it’s easy to mistake these actions for emotional presence, especially if sex is also involved. But actions can’t replace intimacy. They can feed a feeling of closeness, but they don’t bridge the gap where vulnerability lives.
It’s in this stage that you realize no matter how present they seem, there’s a wall between you. And it’s a wall they’ve built for themselves, one that keeps you out, no matter how much you want to break it down.
4. The Push-Pull Dynamic
The push-pull dynamic is where the emotional rollercoaster truly begins. As cracks start to show and your inevitable need for connection creeps in, an avoidant senses the relationship getting too real. God forbid conflict arises or worse, you cross a boundary, intentionally or not, that’s when detachment starts.
And without warning.
This is their self-protection mechanism in action. When they feel closeness or emotional intensity creeping in, they pull away.
Sometimes it’s the slow fade: fewer calls, delayed responses, less engagement. Other times, it’s more calculated, a subtle distancing that keeps you guessing, questioning, and holding on to the hope and version of them that’s still “invested.”
The tricky part is, they will breadcrumb you by reaching out occasionally and showing glimpses of the charm you first fell for, but those moments are temporary and strategic even. It’s a pattern that keeps you hooked, constantly chasing the highs and trying to fill the gaps they’ve deliberately left.
The push-pull dynamic is exhausting, confusing, and borderline maddening, but it’s the precursor to the final stage—the discard—which we’ll get to soon.
Understanding the stages is one thing, but many women reading this might be wondering: how do you spot an avoidant in the first place?
The truth is, the signs are usually there much earlier than we realize.
Spotting an Avoidant
Like I said, if you pay close attention, spotting an avoidant isn’t that hard. The signs are subtle but consistent, and once you see them, you can’t unsee them.
Intimacy feels off. When avoidants engage in sexual intimacy, it’s quick, surface-level, and more about going through the motions than truly connecting. Foreplay is very foreign to them. They rarely want to slow down and build intimacy and instead jump straight into intercourse.
They always want space. Always. The closer you get, the more they pull away. Vulnerability, normal relationship needs, or even simple closeness can make them retreat. And I don’t mean a day or two. With avoidants, “space” can easily stretch into weeks or even months.
They keep their lives very private. Avoidants have a strange relationship with visibility. Private social media accounts, minimal posting, or very controlled access to their world. If you ask me, it’s because they would rather not be easily perceived or questioned about their shadiness.
Physical affection is selective. Long hugs or kisses are rare and always on their terms. Affection is typically used to charm or manipulate, not to actually build intimacy. At their core, avoidants can be very self-serving. Their priority is their own comfort, not your emotional needs.
How Not to Get Bamboozled by an Avoidant
First things first, you can only reach this stage if you have identified that you are dealing with an avoidant. If you have not recognized the pattern, the chances of getting bamboozled are very high.
You cannot protect yourself from something you do not even know you are experiencing.
Once you have identified it, the push-pull dynamic becomes easier to spot. Something shifts. The energy that once felt consistent between you two suddenly changes.
Conversations become shorter.
The good morning and good night texts fade away, replaced by the occasional breadcrumb: a cold, HR-coded “Hey. How are you doing?”
When that shift happens, the most important thing you can do is leave them be.
Do not chase the distance. Do not send long messages trying to fix what has changed. As difficult and painful as it may feel, continue living your life. Give them the space they are already creating. In many cases, avoidants circle back when the pressure of closeness fades.
But here is the tricky part. When they return, you may be forced to demand clarity or deliver an ultimatum.
In theory, that sounds reasonable, but with avoidants, it triggers the exact response you fear. The moment they feel cornered emotionally, they will run again. This is when you may hear the familiar lines: I just need space, I cannot give you what you need right now, or I’m just going through a lot right now.
At that point, it becomes clear to you that you cannot do the healing work for someone else. Avoidants can only confront their patterns if they choose to do that work themselves. And until they do, the healthiest thing you can do is protect your peace, keep your boundaries, and accept that some people simply are not capable of meeting you where you are.
The real way to not get bamboozled is simple, even if it is painful. You leave them where they are and you keep moving.
The Avoidant’s Capacity
It’s important to understand something about avoidants that can save you a lot of unnecessary self-blame: their capacity for emotional closeness is limited.
They are emotionally stunted. Truly.
When you walk away from a relationship with an avoidant, it’s very easy to internalize the ending. You start replaying conversations, questioning your reactions, wondering whether you asked for too much or pushed too hard. But more often than not, the breakdown of the relationship has far less to do with you and far more to do with the emotional framework they are operating from.
Dismissive avoidant attachment styles are usually rooted in early experiences where vulnerability did not feel safe or welcome. Over time, emotional distance becomes their form of protection. Their independence is prioritized, feelings are compartmentalized, and intimacy begins to feel less like connection and more like pressure.
Because of this, many avoidants genuinely struggle with sustained emotional closeness. It’s not necessarily that they do not care. It’s that the level of intimacy required for a healthy relationship can feel overwhelming. They simply lack the capacity for it.
When the connection starts to deepen, their instinct is to retreat, create distance, or shut down emotionally.
Understanding this does not excuse hurtful behavior, but it does offer clarity. The ending of the relationship is rarely about you being too much, too emotional, or too demanding. You simply reached the edge of what they were capable of giving.
And when you finally reach the limit of what an avoidant can emotionally tolerate, the relationship does not grow. It ends. Almost always the same way.
This is where the avoidant discard begins, the most confusing and painful stage of all.
The Avoidant Discard
Whether or not you are the one who technically initiates the breakup, an avoidant discard almost always feels cold and abrupt.
In my case, I could sense it coming. He had already started withdrawing.
Someone who came across as an excellent communicator suddenly couldn’t talk to me or handle conflict.
I was left in long stretches of uncertainty, trying to make sense of someone physically present but emotionally miles away.
When someone leaves you in the dark, eventually you react. And I did.
Psychology calls this protest behavior. It’s what happens when the person seeking connection (me) finally does something to force clarity.
You test the situation. You push the issue. You want to see whether they will fight for the relationship or disappear entirely.
In my situation, that protest triggered the final detachment.
Even though I knew the ending was coming, the coldness of it was still so insane to me.
It was like dealing with someone I had never met. Someone so cold and empty with absolutely no regard for my feelings.
A version he had never shown until that moment.
That is the thing about avoidants. What feels sudden to you has usually been happening internally for a while. Long before the breakup conversation ever happens, they have already started emotionally distancing themselves.
Another thing I noticed is how much avoidants care about the narrative. They are very intentional about how the story of the relationship is told. The ending may feel abrupt to you, but in their mind, the decision has been justified, rehearsed, and emotionally processed long before you even realize something is wrong.
And no matter what, you will always end up being the villain, while they play the victim.
They are literally incapable of taking accountability.
By the time the discard happens, they have already detached emotionally. Which is why they seem cold and unfeeling.
So while the ending may land like a shock on your side, for them it is simply the final step in a process that started much earlier, quietly and internally.
Choosing Yourself
I thank my friends for being there during my spiralling phase, because dealing with an avoidant puts you in a loop of confusion. It is absolutely shattering.
After all the push, pull, uncertainty, and cold endings, the most important person you can invest in is yourself.
Being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant can leave you questioning your worth, replaying conversations, and chasing what can never be fully given.
None of it reflects on you; it reflects on the limitations they carry from their past.
Choosing yourself means reclaiming your time, your energy, and your peace. It means setting boundaries that protect your heart and refusing to shrink or apologize for needing connection, consistency, and respect.
Trust me, dealing with an avoidant will have you subconsciously shrinking yourself to better accommodate their feelings. Someone who does not even have the capacity to empathize with yours.
You can never truly win with an avoidant. If you try to work things out, you will likely lose yourself in the process. It’s not worth it.
Begging, crying, or allowing them to walk in and out of your life only confirms that you will accept less.
And the irony is brutal: the more you accommodate, the less they value you.
Being with an avoidant forces you to confront yourself. It forces you to face your own abandonment wounds and come head-to-head with your sense of self.
Choosing yourself means deciding that your happiness cannot be held hostage by someone who cannot meet you where you are. It’s not easy, and it will feel lonely at times. But in walking away, leaning into your own growth, and prioritizing your healing, you discover a freedom no avoidant could ever offer.
Meanwhile, your avoidant is likely repeating the cycle with someone else. The exact same thing you experienced.
Why would you miss that?
Choosing yourself is not just the healthiest choice, but the most radical act of love you can give to yourself.
