Ghosting in our society has become the new ‘not-so-classy’ way of calling it quits. Breakups suck but have you ever been ghosted? Ghosting is when a person cuts off all communication with you without zero warning or notice before hand. Well, so much for closure.
I find it quite ironic writing this as I personally have never been ghosted but have ghosted people on multiple occasions (I know it’s a horrible thing to do, don’t hate me). However, enough about me. I spoke to some of my male friends and asked if they had ghosted people they were seeing in the past, why they did it and if they regret it now. I will be sharing their responses with you so we can dissect them and get into the Nigerian man’s mind to find out what gets them to the point of wanting to ghost someone. Who knows, It could prevent you from getting ghosted in the future, not that it’s ever your fault.
I’ll also be sharing my (don’t judge me) reasons for having ghosted people in the past.
Dayo 22 (M), ‘Crazy Eyes’
I had just started talking to this girl for about two months. I know this is going to sound wild but when we met in person I could have sworn she had those crazy eyes they talked about in tv shows. I told my friend that set us up but we turned it to jokes. Shortly after, she started accusing me of cheating on her. I was surprised because we were not together. She would text my female friends and create fake accounts to see if I would respond to other girls. It was too much for me and it put me off. I had to ghost her.
Do you regret it?
I do not and it is definitely the last time I am allowing anyone set me up with someone.
Tobe 26 (M), ‘Ex Drama’
Whenever we were together, all she talked about was her ex that moved on. It was obvious that she was not over him. It put me off a lot more than I expected. I knew I had to ghost her.
Do you regret it?
Folarin 21 (M), ‘Clingy and Needy’
She wanted to text and be on the phone with me 24/7. She would complain when I did not reply as fast as she wanted. It did not mean anything to her if I was busy or just not in the mood to talk. She was crowding my space and it was suffocating, I just had to ghost her. It’s a shame because I actually liked her. If we were not together and she was that clingy, imagine what it would be like if we were now officially together.
Do you regret it?
Certainly not. We are two very different people.
Carlton 25 (M), ‘Moving too fast’
I had gone on a couple of dates with her and I noticed she kept sliding in ‘our future’ into conversations. I wanted to gradually get to know her but she wanted to speed things up and I was not ready for that. I kept communicating that to her but she did not want to hear it. One day, she sent me a long message on how she was fed up of waiting and I should ‘man up’. It had only been a little over a month since we started seeing each other at the time and she was already giving me an ultimatum. I did not respond. I just blocked her.
Do you regret it?
Itseju 20 (F), ‘Read the room’
This is going to sound like an excuse but I used to ghost people unintentionally. I believe you can tell when a relationship is just not going anywhere and I do not have time to waste. I did not want to hurt anyone’s feelings so ghosting was a reflex action for me. It is probably worse than just saying no, but you live and learn.
So What’s A Girl To Do?
I am sure reading these stories are fun and entertaining but if you ask me, I do not think anyone wants to be ghosted. The real question is ‘how can I avoid getting ghosted?’. I believe in most cases, ghosting occurs when a degree of undue pressure is placed on the other person. A big mistake we make that may lead to us getting ghosted when dating, is going into it with a “could he or she be the one?” mindset. This blinds us from seeing red flags and causes us to put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to make the relationship work at all costs. It can manifest through crazy actions we thought we could never do. Being clingy, giving ultimatums and more.
It is important to remember that even when looking to settle down, dating should be fun and exciting and not a battlefield. Keep it light and easy, even as you focus on working on yourself. Why do I say this? I have noticed from personal experience that the need to hang on to a relationship to make it work at all costs is that savior complex I had, and the deep rooted insecurities I was dealing with.
Dating someone should not be a game of tug of war. If you are the one putting in all the work and you are not getting the same amount of commitment and sacrifice, perhaps it is time to assess if the relationship is worth your peace of mind. This is subjective but I believe that if a guy is really interested in you, you would not need to stress or worry about where you stand in his life. It is also possible that he is interested in you, but your insecurities are clouding your judgement and pushing him away.
Let me add that if you have been hurt from being ghosted in the past, it does not determine your value and self-worth in any way regardless of what you believe you could have done differently.
With that being said, I would love to hear from you. What are your thoughts on ghosting? Have you ever ghosted anyone or been ghosted?